Recalling Reality

Chapter 9

My heart is beating so hard, I'm afraid it's going to beat right out of my chest. The muscles surrounding it are being pulverized. My lungs ... I haven't been able to get any air in them since we boarded the plane. This is it. This is going to be my death right here.

The plane is small and has a door that is open on the side.

An open door.

The door is open.

Wide.

Open.

The wind is slapping me in the face, trying to wake me up from this nightmare.

I am clutching the holder on the wall. My legs are weak, and I am not too sure why I am even standing.

The.

Door.

Is.

Wide.

Open.

"I'm going to hook you to me now, Hannah!" He is screaming in my ear, and I look over to Shane, who is ready to go. His friend, Ryan, has worked with me all morning on getting me ready for this jump. But I'm not ready.

I thought I was.

I am not.

Wide Open.

I close my eyes, and Ryan is latching himself to the harness he secured on me before we ever entered the aircraft. Too close. His body is pressed tight to mine. Very tight, and I can feel him. Hot tears fill into my eyes, and my heart is out of control. I can't catch my breath, but Ryan says that's normal for the first time.

I think he's full of crap, but he assured me, too, that his bowels were empty. Something I didn't need to know, but apparently, he was willing to share anything and everything with me. Even the time he found out that he had a case of the crabs. Why I needed to know that, I still question, but there is no answer.

Shane uses the handles and passes the doorway that is wide open. He leans close to me, and a smile that is filling his whole face. "You don't have to do this!"

"I'm not sure I can!" I cry back, but he just nods and gives me the thumbs up. It's hard to hear with the wind trying to wrestle you to the door, but I have a body attached to me who isn't letting me go just yet.

"You are with Ryan! He won't let anything happen to you!" Before I know it, there is a green light on above the door and Shane kisses my cheek. "I will be seeing you on the ground. I will be right there, Hanner!"

Before I can latch onto him, he is out of reach and at the door. I blink and he is gone.

It is a nightmare.

I am frozen and I can't move. Just like that, he disappears. There is so much I have to say to him yet. What if his shoot doesn't open? What if he fails to pull it on time, like Ryan stressed so much in the training? What if something happens and the parachute is caught in the strings because it wasn't reset properly and it doesn't slow him down on his way to the ground?

"You ready?!" Ryan yells as his one hand squeezes my shoulder and the other is holding the handle to the plane.

I am not.

I can't do this.

"I guarantee that he will pull his cord this time, Hannah!"

My heart slams into a sudden stop. This time? What is that supposed to mean? I shake my head and try to step backward, but with Ryan being attached to me, it's not working. This time isn't surpassing the questions. I need to know what Ryan meant before I do anything else. So, I ask, but Ryan's face pales and I am left with just the wind screaming at me and trying to urge me to the open door.

"He jumped a couple years ago when I first started this gig! I went through everything with him and he seemed normal! But when we jumped, I pulled my cord and he didn't! I found out that he wasn't even going to! But, he ended up pulling late and suffered severe injuries, but he pulled through!"

"That was when he tried killing himself?!" I had to ask, and Ryan seems to offer me those answers I need.

"Yeah! I felt like shit for letting him jump! If I had known, I never would have let him jump alone! I take my shit serious here, Hanner-Nanner!" He points at the light, and it's red now, telling us that it isn't safe to jump. "We don't have to if you are not comfortable doing it!"

"I'm not! I'm scared!" Tears are filling the bottoms of my goggles, and I can't see. Being that hurt and that lonely, thinking the only way out is ending your life ... I've been there. I've felt that lost. But to know Shane was once there, it feels like a thousand knives plunging into my heart once again. Although, the pain is severe, I am thankful that he did survive and I was given the opportunity to meet him.

"It's okay! I don't make anyone jump who doesn't want to!" He smiles, but I can see the disappointment in his eyes. After all the training he did with me, and I chicken out. How bad can it be? "It is something else, though! Are you sure?! We will be going through another chance to have a green light!"

Shane jumped. He took the chance, expecting me not to bail. And I am bailing. But, he said that if I did it, I could be his date for Quinn's wedding next weekend. Which, I am sure I would be anyway by the way he's been talking all week.

"It will be okay?!" Clutching the straps on my harness, I swallow hard, but a lump keeps building. He would be thrilled if I met him on the ground at the jump zones and not the aircraft landing pad.

"You're with me, baby. I gotcha!" His dark eyes sparkle with the excitement, and he's pumped and ready to jump. But there is still a red light. He communicates with the pilot quickly, and then moves us down the row of handles toward the open door. "We have one chance for a green! We are away from Shane's landing zone, but we will come to the other one as long as we hit it at the right time!"

I nod.

I'm terrified, and my blood is ice cold.

My heart is frozen, and it refuses to beat.

I breathe, and it's echoing in my ears, drowning out everything else; even the wind.

I nod again. I have to jump.

I close my eyes.

Shane will be so happy if he knows that I did jump. And I want him to be happy.

This might be something I enjoy.

I open my eyes to see the canopy of trees below. Trees. Big trees, and not the ones that were just planted a year or two ago. There are tons of trees. Fully grown trees. And the light is still red.

Taking in a deep breath of air, I peer out the window to see the trees are gone and there is a field. There is some shouting from the cockpit and the vibration coming from the man glued to my back, but I have no idea what is being said. I just know that I want this to be over with.

"There is a problem with one of the jumpers!" I hear. Muffled, though, but I hear it. I look over, and the light is green.

There is a problem with one of the jumpers?

Shane!

Is there a problem with his shoot? What happened? Why wasn't I informed yet of what happened to him? What's going on? I need to see him.

"I'm not..." Before I can pass on the jump, the body behind me gives us a push, and we fall forward. The wind is biting me. It's cold on my face. Tears are collecting in my goggles and everything is blurred. And we are falling.

Falling...

Falling...

Falling...