Recalling Reality

Chapter 33

This cannot be happening. I can't be having an affair with Ryan. From what I can remember, I was friends with him, and he did back me up when the sleazy ex of Shane's came back around and tried to push me away.

And at Quinn's wedding, I dance with Shane, and only Shane, and left with him for one amazing night. So, where does the affair fit in? And why would I ever sleep with Ryan when I had Shane, a man who I couldn't get enough of?

I have not slept since finding the letter. And my eyelids keep threatening to close for good on me as I sit in the waiting room beside my mom.

This morning started out strange as I went through the closet and shifted through the clothing that are apparently mine. I put on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt that is three sizes too big, and I am guessing it was Shane's. A part of me feels awkward for wearing his sweatshirt because of the affair, but I am lost.

I am lost in my life, in my mind, and now, in my heart. I loved Shane so much, and how I could sleep with his best friend, I have no idea. I have no idea who the hell I am anymore and I am getting so tired of it.

Not to count that the ten times I've called Ryan to ask him about the affair, he doesn't answer. It goes straight to voicemail and I've left messages, but he's not returning the call. My texts, are not being answered either. When I asked Mom to take me over to his house, she just brushes it aside as if I never spoke.

"Hannah Bartholomew." The young nurse holds the door propped open and I look at Mom for reassurance. But, her attention is on her phone and work, as it has been for as long as I could remember. Taking the day of is really putting her far behind, but Shane insisted he had plenty of other stuff to do than to help me with anything.

And I don't blame him one bit. Why would he want to spend any time with me if he knows that I was having an affair? If I could take it all back, I sure in the hell would. I would in a heartbeat. I love Shane. I love him with all my heart.

"I'm Hannah Janderowski" I swallow my words as the confusion runs across the young woman's face. Her eyes dart to the chart in her hand before returning to me. "Never mind."

I follow her down the hall and into the exam room where she proceeds to take my blood pressure reading, temperature, and logs it into her computer. Then, she leaves me. And I sit and wait.

Then, the older woman walks in wearing a white coat over her black sweater and jeans with knee-high boots. "How is it going, Hannah?"

"I'm really having some issues lately."

"That's what your mom tells me. She said you don't seem quite right." She sits on the little stool and turns to me, resting her head on her fist, and her elbow on her knee. "Tell me everything."

"Well, apparently, I am married."

"I know. I've met Shane and he seems really, really great." Her attention turns back to the computer and she clicks on a few different areas. "Tell me from the beginning, when you started to realize something was wrong."

I went on about how I woke up in the strange house, all the way to being brought to the police station. As I go through, I am hoping that something strikes up a memory, but nothing comes to mind. I am just as lost as I was that day.

"Any trauma; fall down and hit your head, a seizure, drink anything that could be toxic?"

"No." I closed my eyes and thought about that last time I was in the hospital to now. Nothing comes to mind. It was as if that was all in my life. I started talking incoherently to be released from the hospital all the way to waking up in the strange home. "Not that I can recall."

"I see you had some major trauma about five years ago. You were struck by an automobile." She scrolls through the page she is reading on the screen. "You have had some seizures, which is understandable with that kind of brain injury you sustained. But, as for waking up one day, out of the blue, with memory loss, that doesn't seem to fit."

She vacates the stool and leads me over to the paper covered exam table. I scoot up on it and she checks my eyes, ears, throat, and the movements in my joints. When it comes to testing my reflex on my left knee, she stops.

"Why don't you do that one?" I ask while she turns back to the computer.

"With the scar tissue that is built up in that knee, your reflex is noted to be off the charts. And I don't want to be kicked today." She smiles as me and returns, standing directly in front of me. "Where is your husband today?"

"I'm not too sure. He's not really wanting to be around me right now. And I don't blame him." I swallow hard as the words of that stupid letter flash through my mind. Shane's ex was sleeping with his brother and it crushed him, devastated him to the point where he tried taking his own life. Then, I do the same thing, but I'm worse because I knew what he already went through dealing with the humiliation, the hurt, and the anger. "I found this letter last night, and it pointed to the fact that I must be having an affair on him."

Her laugh came out as she shook her head. "No way, Hannah. I don't think so. You two are... how can I put this... perfect. The last checkup that you came in for, he couldn't stop looking at you, still."

"I must be, and I am very ashamed because I do, I love him more than anything in the world. But, I did and it was with his best friend. And I can't get ahold of Ryan to save my life. Even he isn't talking to me, so... I don't know what to think anymore. Something is very wrong."

"Well," she releases her pent up breath in a loud exhale, and she shrugs her shoulders. "I wish I knew more, but I can't say that I do."

Stepping closer, she tilts my chin up and looks into my eyes again with her little lighted ophthalmoscope.

"I'm not seeing anything that is warranting me that something major is wrong. But, seeing your history, and your previous head trauma, I am going to order up a CAT scan to see if we can find any reasoning behind your amnesia."

I swallow hard as I watch her return to her computer. "Could I suffer from something that would make me do something that is not of character?"

She looks at me with the questions in her eyes, and I know that the affair isn't something I could put blame on something else. I did it, and now I had to pay the consequences.