Recalling Reality

Chapter 40

The thud in the living room rocks me awake, and my heart begins to race. I look over at the peaceful little girl who is still sound asleep beside me. Another thud brings me to my senses, and I know that someone is in the house.

Something gets tossed in the downstairs area, and I am fully awake now. I look over to the nightstand. There is no phone. My cell is on the charger in the kitchen. And there is definitely someone in the house. What do I do?

If I disguise Josie in the bed by putting the pillows all around her, I can sneak out and try to get my phone. I have to protect my little girl.

A loud bang causes her to stir, but she ends up just rolling over and staying asleep. I slip out of the room and pull the door closed behind me. My legs are trembling, and it's hard to force myself to move, but I have to get to my phone. I stop at the steps, and look at the front door. My heart pulls back from its torture and eases on the muscles around it.

I step around the banister and jog down the steps, seeing my office torn apart. My books now litter the floor, and my desk drawers are all tipped over with the contents spread around. "What are you doing?"

"Go. Just go, Hannah. I don't want to talk to you right now." Anger is turning Shane's cheeks and ears bright red, and the muscles in his shoulders are tight, drawing them upward. He grabs the wooden filing cabinet and tugs the top drawer open.

"What are you doing to my office?" I bend down and start picking up the books that I've apparently written over the years. What they are about, I have no idea, but, according to my daughter, they are what made me famous. So famous that I put her aside.

"I am trying to find out why you decided to lie to me about something so fucking stupid and horrible, just to cover for that bastard!" His eyes travel over to me, knocking the wind from my sails. The pain is so deep that my stomach tries to expel the contents I had at supper. "What are you covering up for him? What is so big that you have to tell me that you were fucking sleeping with him to cover up the lie?"

Scorching tears blister my eyes as I try to focus on the three books in my hand. They are novels, all with beautiful covers, and I have not one clue as to the characters or the plots of them. "I don't know, Shane."

"Of course you don't! Because you ... don't ... remember ... shit!" Each word exits his mouth, leaving behind a trail of blazing anger. His fingers curl around the handle of the second draw, and he pulls with such a force that the whole cabinet tips, landing on the corner of my desk. It rolls over and hits the floor, the sides coming apart. "You ... don't ... remember! And I have to live with it!"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on with me." The books fall from my fingertips, and I crawl into the corner, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them the best I can with the cast on the one. "I can't ... I can't remember my own daughter. I can't remember my life. I can't remember marrying you. I can't even remember..."

Sobs fill the room, and the temper is toning down from the other side. His breath comes out hard and slow. "Hannah, I am sorry."

"It's all my fault. I am horrible." I cry, my heart breaking more than it ever has. Or that I can remember. My own daughter ... I put aside and lost five years of her life. I hurt Shane by hiding something from him, but I do know, deep in my heart and soul, that I never slept with Ryan, or anyone for that matter. Yet, he's here and trying to figure out what I am hiding from him. "I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve you. And I certainly don't deserve Josie. It's all my fault."

"Hannah." He pinches the bridge of his nose while sucking in some more air. "You're not a bad mother. You were just busy and we wanted you to succeed with your writing ... which you have. Immensely."

"She told me I was never there, Shane. She told me that you took her to the park all the time because I was too busy, and that I needed some quiet so I could work." I look up at him, and his face is slowly returning to normal.

"I took her to the park so you can have some time, because you were always leaving everything to the last minute. Right up until the deadlines, Hannah. I had to take her to the park to push you to finish, because you were too busy being distracted by us." Stepping over the broken filing cabinet, he glides closer to me and slides down the wall. Resting his arms on his knees, he lets his head plop back. "All you wanted to do was to be with us. And you had deadlines, so I had Ryan hang with you; push you to finish your novel so the publisher didn't get angry."

"Is that why I dedicated the books to him?"

"You did it because ... You did it as a reminder to him that he was the only reason behind you even finishing them. So, it was more of a grunge thank you than anything." His lips curl up a little, and a hint of a smile comes out. "He was a good friend to you, Hannah. Ever since we tried going sky diving."

Tears sheet my eyes, and I pick up one of the books. "I was so scared jumping out of that plane, but Ryan, more or less, pushed us out."

His smile fades instantly, and he raises just his left brow. "We never jumped. I saw how scared you were, so I pulled you back, and we just brought the plane around and went home."

I throw the book across the room and dig my fingers into the mess of curls. "Why can't I remember right? I hate this! I hate being like this!"

"I did some research online, and it did say that sometimes, when you have an instance with amnesia, that it will put some fiction in with the reality. It's quite common. Your brain is filling in parts it doesn't remember with things that would seem to be right." He clears his throat and nudges me with his leg. "I know you want me to pack up and leave because you say I don't deserve you, but I can't do that, Hannah."

"I asked..." Tears multiply and refill in my eyes. "I asked you to leave?"

"Well, first you told me that you were leaving me and Josie, but I told you no. It was your fortune that paid for this place, so you were going to keep it. And then you told me to pack myself and Josie and you would put a down payment on a place for us." Reaching over, he slips his hand into mine and holds it tightly, pressing it to his lips. "I just haven't had the heart to leave yet. I was hoping that it was all a bad dream or something, but then I found that letter..."

"What letter?"

"Does it really matter?" He looks over my hand, studying the petite nature of my bone structure. "Maybe with this memory loss, we can pick up and move on from here. We can put aside the old, and start fresh."

"Josie told me that Mom said I may never remember again."

"Is that such a bad thing?" His attention comes back to me. "The past six months ... I don't know, Hannah. But, I don't want to go through anything like that again."

"Was that when you and Ryan had your fight at the bonfire?"

"No." His fingers lace with mine, molding our hands together, and he shakes his head. "That was almost a year ago."

Drawing my bottom lip through my teeth, I scoot closer to him and rest my head on his broad shoulder. Sitting next to him, being with him ... this is where I want to be. What my heart knows. No matter if I can't remember, or my brain makes things up ... there is no way I will ever feel any different about Shane.

His breathing hitches and his muscles stiffen up. "Hannah, do you remember the bonfires?"

"No. Josie told me that I left you and Ryan out by the fire and I put her down, but she wanted to cuddle, I guess. It was what she told me, Shane, but I can't remember. I just can't believe that Ryan is gone. How did he die?"

He tips his head and looks at my hand again. "You're not remembering that we went through this just recently."

My throat tightens, and I shake my head. What the hell is wrong with me? How can I be forgetting stuff that just happened?