Recalling Reality

Chapter 41

The bed is comfortable, yet my body feels strangely like I've been through an extreme workout. I roll over, fitting right to the large, muscular body beside me. When I see those beautiful blue eyes looking back at me, my heart flutters and it's hard to catch my breath.

"You always have been the most beautiful right when you wake up." Shane presses his lips to my forehead and nudges the out-of-control curls from my face. "Why don't we get up and take Josie somewhere? She likes going swimming."

"Yeah. I would like that." My heart flutters again, and I can recall that hotel room that Shane rented the weekend of my brother's wedding. But, was it real, or was I just imagining it? And how do I ask Shane if I was just making it up in my mind?

But, I just let the thought go and climb out of the bed. He was right. Without being able to remember, or remember things right, this is a chance to begin again. And I want that chance. A chance to really get to know my daughter and husband. And, hopefully, I can hold these memories in.

Shane asks if I want to get in the shower, and I shake it off. What is the point of showering just to get into the pool? I can shower after, when we get something to eat. When I open the closet door, tears are beginning to come back into my eyes. I have never seen this closet before.

"Your stuff is all on the right, and mine is on the left. Your personal items are in the drawers, and I am sure your bathing suits are in there also." He opens the bedroom door after donning his jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. "I'm going to see what Josie is up to, and help her get a bag ready."

I swallow hard and run my hand over the built-in dresser that is right in the beginning. The top drawer is bras, followed by panties, and then socks, stockings, and such. The bottom drawer has some colorful bathing suits. Some one-pieces, and a few two-pieces. I chose a royal blue one-piece and push the drawer back in. But, it isn't budging. It's stuck...

Pulling the drawer out all the way, I set it aside and reach into the darkness. Crawling down to the floor, I push myself back as far as I can and sweep the area for something, anything that would hinder the drawer from going back in. Just when I am going to give up, I begin to pull my hand back, following the drawer's railings.

I pull out the wad of glossy paper, and then check for any more. But, there isn't any more. So, I flip them over and my heart slams into a sudden stop. They are pictures of Shane, and he's barely clothed, unaware that anyone was taking photos of him. When I flip through, coming to ones with me in the background with Shane, my stomach knots and tightens. It was someone else who was taking photos of him. But why would I have them? And hide them in my dresser?

I stand and rush out of the room, nearly shoving Shane out of the way. His questions are following me as I ignore them and run down the steps and into my office. It's still a mess, but I know that it's still in there. Somewhere.

Pictures. But, what were they of again?

Of course there were pictures. There are pictures everywhere in this damn house. But, there is something with these pictures. I can feel it.

I pick up a few brass frames from the floor and look through the shattered glass on the one. It's me holding up one of the books with Ryan beside me. There isn't a smile, or smirk, on my face. But, more annoyance winning me over.

"Hannah?" Shane glances over his shoulder, checking the basement living room for the smaller version of me. "What's going on? What's wrong?"

"I don't know, Shane. If I knew, maybe I wouldn't be in this God forsaken mess." I toss the photo to the side, and retrieve another one. This one is of me with Josie in my arms, and Shane beside me. And my little girl is holding up the book. She can't be but three for as petite as she is, and dressed in the cutest purple dress with a frilly tutu bottom.

"Last night we agreed on this, Hannah." He steps in and captures my hand, taking the photo from it and placing it on the desk.

"What did we agree on, Shane? Huh? That I am out of my God damned mind? Huh? That I destroyed our relationship because ... because..." It's there. It's right there, but I can't ... remember. All because of what? Why can't I even remember?

"Hannah, please." His arms wrap around me, holding me tight to his chest while I fight to get away. I am keeping something from him, something big, and, apparently, it's ruining our marriage. But what? What the hell is it? "Just, calm down."

"No! I have to find out what I did! I have to find out what I am keeping from you! It is something with ... pictures!" I scream, and, finally, I am able to pull myself away from him to go back to searching for the answer. There is an answer, and it's here. I know it is.

The books. Maybe it's something with the books. I drop to my knees and pick up the first book, ignoring the cover and the title. It doesn't matter. I wrote it, but I have no clue as to what it's even about. And, at this point in time, I don't really care. I page through it, and drop it when nothing comes from it.

The next one, I do the same. And again. Over and over, until I am at the last book and empty handed. So, it isn't in the books.

"Hannah, please." Shane's hand slips into mine, and he pulls me back into the world that I am in. "Whatever it is, we will search for it. But, later. Right now, we are going to spend some much needed time together."

"It's in here, Shane. The reason. I know it. But ... I don't know what it is." I sit back on my heels and look at the doorway where the little version of me is standing, holding tight to the stuffed kitty. "I didn't give that kitty to you, did I? That's not from your Dad..."

"Hannah? I gave you that when I tried luring you to go home with me when we met up at the zoo. You gave it to her because she was always cuddling up to it." He glances back at our daughter and pushes a smile to his face. "Mommy is just looking for something important, and I think it might help her if she had a sandwich."

"I will go make you one, Mommy. It will make you better." She turns and disappears up the steps.

"I hate this, Shane. I hate it. I can't remember, and what I do remember is wrong." I fall into his embrace, knowing he will catch me.

"So, what, Hannah? I still remember those days. And I don't mind sharing them with you, because it was when all I wanted was you. You were the one who made my life worth living." He presses his lips to my forehead, and cradles me in his arms.

I look over the mess, knowing this is going to take a long time to clean up. Not to count, there is a huge gash in my desk and I have no idea how it got there. Or why the wooden filing cabinet is tipped over and broken into pieces.