Recalling Reality

Chapter 39

Her beautiful blue eyes are looking at me as I stand by the counter with the cup of hot tea in my hands. Mom had to leave, saying something about having some appointments in the early morning that she had to get to, and I hadn't called Shane. Josie was my daughter, and it was time for me to get to know her.

"Did you eat dinner?" I ask, and a chill runs down my back. There was a time Shane wouldn't let me cook, or do anything in the kitchen, but I am not sure if that rule still exists to this day.

"I had chicken nuggets."

"Anything else?"

"Fries."

I nod and lift the cup to my lips. The hot liquid passes through them and enters my mouth. I cringe at the bland taste and carefully place it down on the granite counter. "What did you have to drink?"

"Milk." She slides off the stool and makes her way to the counter where she opens the cupboard door to retrieve a stool. Then, she climbs up onto the countertop and gets the bear shaped bottle of honey down, squirts some in the tea, and puts it back. "You always have honey in your tea. That's how Gramma does it and made it for you when you were really sick."

My heart jumps. Sick? When I was in the hospital? Or after I was released?

"I was four, and you were really sick. Daddy was upset because you weren't good at all and the doctors kept sending you home. Gramma and Daddy, and Ryan, would take turns taking care of you, and then, one day, you just got better."

I brace her when she climbs back down. Then, I pick up the cup of tea again. "I'm sorry I don't have my memory."

"Gramma says you might not get it back, so I might need to help you remember." She shrugs and slips her hand into mine. "I have a book I think will help."

Putting my cup down, I decide to follow along. At this point, I need all the help I can get, and figure out why everything is falling apart. And if it is up to the daughter I don't remember to help me, I will have to take it.

We enter a room that is across from Shane's, and I am hit with the purple walls and the pink accents, blinds, curtains, and bedding. This girl really loves pinks and purples, and I just wonder where she gets it from. The purple I can deal with, but the pink is beginning to make me nauseous.

She pats the mattress on the high-rise white metal framed bed that gives me the impression that it should be in a castle somewhere in England. I sit, and she goes to the closet, only to come back with a large, purple book that has stuff poking out of the sides.

When she opens it, my breath runs away, and my heart begins to beat hard. The first photo is of me and Shane, both wearing the biggest smiles on our faces, holding an ultrasound picture.

"Daddy said this was out of the blue. You weren't feeling good. And he took you to the doctor, and the doctor took this picture of your tummy. And I was the reason why you weren't feeling good." A soft, tender smile fills her face. "I was just a little, tiny baby then."

"Of all the things not to remember." I touch the photograph, my fingertips taking in the whole excitement that I missed out on. But, I had it once, a very long time ago, with a child I never was able to fully carry. Having Josie is my second chance.

We go through a few more pages, of me looking absolutely horrible, huge, and miserable, but smiling each and every time. When the birth comes up, the sting enters my eyes and I can't help the tears that want to roll down my face.

"You were such a beautiful baby." I take in the sleepy baby that is safely tucked in my arms, swaddled in a pink blanket. It reminds me of a porcelain doll my grandma had in her upstairs. Absolutely perfect. Almost flawless.

"Daddy says that all the time." She giggles and cuddles up into my side. "He tells me that I am not allowed to get any bigger because he will go to prison for murder. I don't know what he means by that, but I just let him laugh about it."

"He seems to be a great father." I turn the page to see him holding her in his arms, looking down at her and wearing his heart right on his sleeve.

"We go to the park a lot. He says you need your quiet time to work, so we just go and play."

A lump fills in my throat, and my chest is getting heavy. I look at her; her eyes are half closed. "Am I not there a lot?"

"Daddy says it goes with the territory. He made you famous and now he has to live with that." Pulling away from me, she scoots up to the row of pink and purple pillows on the bed and lays her head down, her curls spreading out.

"I'm sorry, Josie. I'm really sorry if I haven't been there." I crawl up beside her and lay my head down on the pillows so I can look at her. "I'll be better from now on. I promise."

"Uncle Ryan was around, too. When you were away. But then, Daddy got mad at him."

A knife plunges into my heart and rips it apart. There is something my heart wants to tell me about this Ryan ordeal, but my mind keeps going blank. "It's not your fault at all, Josie. You do know that, right?"

"Daddy says it's Uncle Ryan's fault, and that he doesn't want him around. But, Uncle Ryan is up in heaven now."

I sit up fast, causing her to jolt and wake up. "In heaven?"

"Yeah. He went to heaven a few days ago. But Daddy was mad at him a lot longer than that. Uncle Ryan would still come over, but Daddy went to the garage to work on something he was building, just to avoid him." She yawned and cuddled back into her pillows.

"How long ago did Daddy get mad at Uncle Ryan?" Am I crazy? I am asking a five-year-old if she remembers when Shane and Ryan had a falling out. If it was six months ago, maybe I did have something going on with Ryan. After all, my books are dedicated to him.

"I think when we had a bon fire. It was for Uncle Quinn. You took me to bed and they stayed. You said I couldn't be out there because I wasn't old enough yet. That was the first time you brought me to bed. I remember that. We snuggled, and laughed, until we fell asleep." Her eyes opened just enough to focus on me, and the sadness shot through, straight into my heart. "Would you cuddle with me like that night?"

"Would you like that?" I slip off the side of the bed and slip my house shoes off. Crawling into the bed, I move the book to her nightstand and cuddle up beside her.

How could I ever pass this up? This is my daughter. My little girl. I'm surprised she doesn't hate me if I haven't been around. And why did Shane put up with it for as long as he did?