Recalling Reality

Chapter 36

This was too much. Way too much to grasp. First, I find out that my brother took his own life, and now, my friend died? How? When? Why can't I remember?

Shane has stayed away all day, and I kept to my basement until that call came in. My doctor asked if I could come down so she can go over the CAT scan results. I manage to make it up the steps. This time, I stand on the rug and it doesn't go anywhere.

Shane is standing at the kitchen glass doors, looking out into the green lawn. The horror he expelled last night still haunts me as I look him over. He's wearing some jeans and a red shirt, one that fits him just right. And my heart is reacting to the sight. I'm not sure if it is because I broke him, or that I am still in love with him even through everything I've been through.

"I'm supposed to go in to go over the results." A lump bobs in my throat in hopes he decides to come with me. I need to him to come with me. He has always been the strength I needed, and no matter what, I will always need him.

"Yeah. I have to take care of some things, Hannah. I am sure you can do this one on your own." He tips his head and pulls away from the door.

"Would you please come with me? I'm hoping these results can clear up some questions."

He shakes his head. "The scan isn't going to make me understand why you slept with him, Hannah. It isn't going to explain why you have been sneaking around him with him six months..." His eyes glass over as he looks away, pressing his lips tight together.

"I don't remember anything, Shane. I don't know why I woke up in the bedroom, in your bed, not knowing even where I am. I don't know why I would sleep with him when I am in love with you." I take in as much air as I possibly can and step forward, off the rug and across the tiles to the carpeted living room. "It's so hard not knowing..."

"So hard?" He nods and the pain begins to fill inside of him. "Explain hard to me, Hannah? I get a call from Ryan's mother asking me to prepare his funeral because she... she isn't able to..." He chokes back a sob. "How can I put together a funeral service for the bastard who I find out, has been sleeping with my wife!"

My heart slams in my chest and I close my eyes hearing him sucking in breath after breath.

"I have to plan the damn funeral for the son of a bitch who... goes behind my back... and screws my wife knowing... Knowing how much she means to me!"

"I don't think I would do that, Shane. And I don't think he would do that. There is something..."

"Stop! Just stop it!" He screams and flies across the room to the wall of our wedding photos. "You admitted to it! I showed you the letter and you admitted that you did!"

"I don't remember, Shane!" My legs tremble and I step back to the staircase. My heart is shattering at his tone, and his anger, but I know I deserve it. If I admitted to it, I just needed to accept my fate and stop hurting him even more. I love him too much to keep putting the knives of deception and torture inside of him. "I don't know what I said or what I have done for the past five years! But, I am sure that I wouldn't do that to you. Not after knowing what your ex did. I would never hurt you like that."

"Really?" The anguish in his eyes filled to the top as he finally looks at me. His chin quivers and he presses his lips tight together. "Then why would you ever, every admit to something like that knowing what happened to me before?"

"That's what I need to find out, Shane. I need to know why I would, and I can't. No matter how hard I try to remember, I can't." I want to hug him. I want to run to him and hold him, or him hold me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But, he doesn't move, and my legs weaken.

I sit on the top step, folding my arms around myself, and I stare down into the basement's living room. Silence is filling into the house, and my stomach wants to revolt again. But, from the sudden news last night, I had nothing in my belly to even expel.

"The funny thing is..." His soft voice finally emerged and cut through the room, causing my heart to brutalize the walls of my chest. "I asked him why he would do that to me. Why he would sleep with my wife. And... And he actually tried to deny it. He said that that letter wasn't what it seems, and that he would never do that to me."

"But the letter clearly..." Tears in my eyes thickened and I closed them to hold back the searing agony of the salty water. The letter was clearly written. It would prove the affair in a second. How many other secrets could there be that involved a man, a woman, and maybe a child?

"She is mine, but the way. So, don't worry. I know that is the truth." He makes his way across the living room. "Do you want to know what the last thing I said to him was?"

No, I didn't want to know. I couldn't imagine the torment Shane was facing after having found that letter, for me to admit to the affair.

"We were on the phone, and I demanded him to tell me the truth. When he denied it, I told him that if I ever caught him around my daughter, or my wife again, I would kill him with my bare hands." He stops at the kitchen and retrieves his keys from the little hanger that is by the door. "I didn't even give him time to say anything. I didn't even give him time to deny the adultery again. I hung up. I hung up the phone and here... When the paramedics got on the scene, they found his phone and when they looked at it, it hadn't even been five minutes that I hung up on him."

My heart aches for him even more. Shane and Ryan went farther back than I ever could ever know, and hearing how hard Shane is taking this, I know I have to do the right thing. I have to just accept that I ruined everything and stop trying to come up with excuses.

The cries came out hard and fast. He tipped his head, and covered his face with his hands. "I can't even tell him that I am sorry. I can't even ask him if he strongly denied sleeping with my wife, then why would she lie to me about it. I can't... I can't even... find out why anything from him anymore. I loved you so much, Hannah. So much, and he robbed you away from me. He took you away. And I hate him so much. I hate him with every inch of my body. And... And I threatened to kill him. And... he is killed... not even five minutes later."

What can I say? The man is utterly broken and it is because of me. But, he did have a point. Why would I lie about an affair if it wasn't true? Who was lying? Me or Ryan? And how can I even find out now that Ryan's gone too?

"I'll take to your appointment. Then, I have to get down to the funeral home." He brushed some more tears away and sniffled a little.

"I am so sorry, Shane." I try to get up, but when I step in the rug, I slide across the tiles and, this time, I fall backward, but I reach for the railing, or the shelf, or something to break my fall. Instead, I wrench my shoulder and the loud crack echoes in the room. Pain shoots through my arm, unbearable pressure that instantly fires up with heat. The scream shreds my throat and I reach around for my arm, to try to sooth the pain, but it's not working.

"Are you okay?" He wraps his hands around my upper body and lifts me to my feet. The blood is gushing to my upper arm and my shirt is getting tighter. Quickly, he wipes his tears away and walks me to the door. "I am getting rid of that damn rug. I don't care if you love it, and just have to have it. It's gone."

Once I am in his arms, pressed against his chest, I am surrounded by the comfort I longed for. But, I know this is just temporary. As soon as this is all over with, I would never see him again. He would never want to be with me again.