*Jessie*
We woke up this morning at first I was shaky and crying but Dan hugged me and replayed the words he said the me only yesterday about being strong for the girls, I'm their mum I can’t be sad around them because people always say children pick up their personality’s off their parents and I don’t want Rosie and Shaya to be sad I want them to have a happy childhood, like I did growing up. That’s I want for them a stable happy childhood I can say they are having two parents because me and Dan are stronger than ever, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I get up having a shower whilst Dan feeds the girls then we swap and I get the girls ready, because we are going on a boat trip today to try and lighten the mood for the kids, they don’t understand what’s going on of course not they are all under the age of 6. Soon everyone is ready, I notice everyone including me has sun glasses on and not just because it’s sunny they are doing it for the same reason I am to hide my eyes they are puffy and red not something I want my kids and nieces and nephews to see. Why does this thing always come round in a circle it goes its fine then it comes back if it’s not that it’s something else I know my life’s crazy as in my ‘Jessie J life’ my personal life doesn’t need to be complicated as well because that is what I look forward to family time but how can I when everything that happens always turns sour. We all get on the coach that has been arranged for this ‘trip’ and I sit by the window in Danny’s arms while Rosie and Shaya sit with Mark and Rina because they know what’s going on. The trip to where the boat is, is like an hour journey. We have only been on the bus like 20 minutes when that’s It I can’t hold it in any more I sob louder than I wanted to into Danny’s chest I'm sure the whole coach could hear me but I didn’t care seen as Rosie and Shaya were asleep by this point so they weren’t going to see, I just cry loud sobs escaped my lips and Danny held me tight kissing the top of my head and stoking my hair in hope of soothing me, yes it was soothing me but it didn’t stop my sobbing they actually became stronger the more I thought of the words Hannah said to me yesterday. Strange Danny normally would have spoken by now but he obviously knows what’s going on he knows how bad I was at handling it last time and I was pregnant I'm so scared this time because this time now when Hannah said it I actually looked at her, and she does look ill but so you know it’s not just a cold. After 10 minutes of straight crying and loud sobs I'm still doing It but this time Danny speaks.
Danny: shhhh shhh baby don’t cry come on be strong for her at least
I don’t listen, but after 5 minutes more of me crying I'm still going but I feel Danny move from underneath me and someone swap places, it was my mum when I look up at her, I don’t want to be rude but I wanted Danny he’s the one I can be myself with I don’t want to cry to my mum.
Jessie: Da-n s-wap ba-ck pl-ease
Danny: sweat heart just listen to your mum please
Jessie: no! I want you!
Rose: Jess listen to me please
Jessie: I want Danny
Rose: listen Jessica
Jessie: you listen I want Daniel
I think that shocked everyone they knew I was serious when I used his whole name but she didn’t budge I sat up, and then stood up walking over to Danny and slumping down on him I just start crying again ok I'm next to my dad but I'm in his arms. After 5 minutes of being there I feel Danny pick me up and sit me on him I look up and were in our actual seat.
Danny: why didn’t you listen to your mum Jess, she just wants to help just like me
Jessie: you know why
Danny: why jess
Jessie: you know I don’t like crying to them, what were we talking about only last night Danny I'm me around you everyone else there is still one wall up but with you there is none I have a shield with everyone else but with you I don’t because your my shield, do you get it and ask why and I don’t know the answer
Danny: I know I know Jess I'm sorry, just stop crying yeah for me please because everyone here is there for you even if you don’t want to talk to them about it they know how it feels Jess if its not me that’s there talk to at least Rachel she’s in your position as well
Jessie: No! I don’t want to talk to anyone apart from you about it Dan I cant I said I don’t know why because I'm me with you everyone else I feel like they judge me
Rachel: we don’t judge you Jess
Jessie: no but you hate me!
Rachel: I don’t hate you Jessie
Jessie: I don’t want to talk about it Rach another time
I dig my face into Danny’s chest and he hugs me tight I actually fall asleep because I didn’t sleep that much last night neither did he because of my crying and he was doing that thing on my back that I like, it sooths me just like he’s doing now he does it even if I'm zoncked because he cares about me and I care about him loves a strong thing when you know what it is. Love.
A/N
Hope you enjoy… comment inbox me please
Rant..
It really sucks when the only person who can make you feel better is the reason your crying.
You make me cry, yet I need you, but I'm strong enough to hold back and watch you move on, I agve you up so we could both be happy because crying everyday wasn’t my idea of happy but now I've done that crying everyday is still my routine. Ohh how did that work out for myself…not very well I see you smile through my tears, I'm just happy that you happy one thing came out of it I guess
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