Crash (SC, #0.5; ARTL, #1)

Chapter 31

Chapter 31

The Truth

I don't know if Ches saved me from Harry's words or it just an ache to my head. Pagkatapos ng pangyayari iyon ay hindi ko na nakita si Harry sa reception area. Well, ano naman sigurong pake ko? But I can't stop looking anywhere...Sa bawat pagtingin ko sa bawat mesa ng lugar ay wala akong makita na pamilyar na tao. Yes, I think, I am looking on him. He said the words I wanted to hear when I was just seventeen, but I heard it when I know I don't know what to do with those three words. Hindi ko ba talaga alam? Maybe I know, I don't like to rake my heart, my emotions laying on the line again, if I'd know my feelings. Maybe, I am afraid. Maybe, I am not. Maybe I don't want to know it.

I breathed a sigh when cold wind pressed against my hot skin. Lumabas ako ng hotel upang maglakad-lakad muna. Sumasabay sa hangin ang aking Grecian-inspired gown. Hindi ko malaman kung pa'nong hawak ang aking gagawin. Ngunit kahit ganoon ay nagpatuloy pa rin ako sa paglalakad hanggang dalhin ako ng aking paa kung saan kami unang nagkita ni Harry. I breathed a sigh as I remember the very first time we've met. Humanga kaagad ako sa kanya. That was when I felt my heart beating crazily in my ribcage. That was when my stomach churned gratefully. Who have would thought that the definite Nathalie was falling deeply? No one predicted that kind of instance. Doon sa pagkakataon iyon nalaman kong ang pag-ibig ay dumadating sa hindi mo inaasahang oras o panahon. May pagkakataong malilihis ka ng landas kung sobra ang binigay mong atensyon at mapagkamalang pagmamahal ang ibinibigay mo pero hindi naman. You stop caring about yourself as you stop loving yourself for this particular person. It shouldn't be like that. You don't give everything, magbibigay ka lang ng parte mo. Love seems complicated because some people act viciously when they fell. I know I've learned my lesson. Am I?

Pero bakit bumabalik pa rin ako kung saan nag-umpisa ang lahat. Is it possible to give the same love to a person you loved dearly? Pwede bang bumalik ang pagmamahal na iyon o panibago na ang ibibigay mo? Is it going to stay? Why fate wants me to go back to the place I don't want in the first place?

I shouldn't be here.

Ilang gabi ko ng nilalabanan ang aking sarili sa mga posibilidad. Ilang gabi kung ano-ano ang aking iniisip. His words haunting me. His beautiful features can't stop occupying my head. His being is making me weak. I shouldn't be like this...bakit ba ganito...bakit hindi pwede ang gusto ko? I think I am stopping myself to feel what should I feel. Pride is controlling me and becoming the master of my life. It shouldn't be like that. I need to stand on my way and don't stop myself on what I am feeling. Pero pa'no kung magkamali ka na naman kapag sinunod mo ang nararamdaman mo? I'm sure it is going to hurt you awfully that you can't endure the pain anymore. But life is about taking risk. Every step you will do is worth taking the menace. Dahil sa bawat pangyayaring iyon, matuto ka. You should have learned something! Kung hindi, pagkakamali mo 'yon.

He loves me. He loves me since the beginning. Why I didn't hear the words from him when I was still sure of my feelings? Bakit kailangan may sakit munang maramdaman at pagbabaliwala? Requirements ba 'yon kapag nagmamahal ka na akala mo hindi ka niya mahal? Why was it all mixed-up? Why was it fuck us?

Ilang buntong hininga na ang binigay ko sa aking pag-iisip.

I pushed the thoughts immediately.

Kasabay ng pagsimoy ng hangin ay nakarinig ako ng halakhakan. Naningkit ang mata ko sa mga aninong mabibilis ang kilos. Some are familiar voices. It makes my heart beats crazily. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad. Curiosity makes me want to continue to see it. Sa bawat hakbang ay ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagkalabog ng aking puso. I am calming my heart as I soothe my system, too.