I originally didn't want to publish this, it was too personal, but I don't care anymore. Might as well do it.
I've always been scared of change. Maybe it has something to do with me not knowing the future, because the future terrifies me.
I remember when I found out that I would have to go to my dads every other weekend. I was nine I think. I was on the green rope swing that I had just gotten big enough to ride.
I was with my best friend and I was telling her about it, I remember how we were upset that we wouldn't be able to spend every weekend with each other anymore. I felt like it was the end of the world. It was the end of my world at least.
I remember when my mom told me that we would have to move from my house. And I remember crying myself to sleep with my dog at the side of my bed, licking my hand comfortingly.
I remember trying to memorize every detail of my home. The treehouse we used to plan redecorating. The sheds in the side yard where we would hide behind, where we found an almost mummified rat the size of a cat. The club we made out in the woods, where we would dig in the dirt for grub worms and peel the bark off trees to find caterpillars and frogs.
The big tree with the rope swing that I had been scared to swing on until a few months before. The walls that contained my childhood. The roof that held my dreams. And the floor that carried my joy.
And I remember the awful feeling of having my heart ripped from my chest, and it dragging behind us as we drove away.
And I remember when we had to give my dog away. My step dad didn't like the fur. I remember how much it hurt to hear him whine for us as we left.
I think that the reason I feel so empty now is because I left so much of me behind. I don't know. I just get so homesick sometimes.
