My father was usually in the army. I remember the dreaded 2 weeks or so a year where he would come home. My mom would tell us "daddy's coming home soon!" and my brother and I would burst into tears. We would beg her to not make him come home. We were terrified. I don't have a single memory of my parents getting along. The only memories of them together is waking up in night to shouting, creeping into the hallway to see them screaming at each other. I remember eating dinner silently, afraid to anger him. When my brother or I annoyed him he would slam his fist onto the table and scream. I remember us having to kneel on rice when we didn't clean the game room fast enough. It was a nice little room, a bin of toys and a few maps. A train table for my brother on the side. I remember that train table being flipped on my brother before we were pulled into the kitchen for that unique punishment. My mom walked out of the shower before the rice dug into our skin too deep. We were really light, after all. I remember when my dad was going to come and live with us for good. I was in my mom's bathroom and she was just getting done with blow drying her hair. I started sobbing so hard I fell to my knees and begged her to keep him overseas. Pretty fucked up for a 7 year old to beg for her dad to stay away I guess. She told me a few years ago that that's the reason she divorced him. So my brother and I wouldn't have to live with him.
Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. I love him with all my heart and he is a good person. He had a fiancee once. She got him to control his anger and punish us with things like doing the dishes or cleaning. I really appreciate her for that. And I guess my dad got us to show him respect. We don't talk back to him or anything.
My dad raised me to think that children should sit down and not speak unless spoken to. The only problem with this is that I don't know how to stand up and speak out. I don't know how to voice my opinions and I'm terrified that I'll get in trouble if I try.
If in being honest I blame quite a bit of whatever's wrong with my brain in my dad.
"Why do you jump so easily?" "Why did you flinch? I just raised my hand." "Why are you always apologising?"
I get these questions all the time and they all stem back to my father. I want to have a good relationship with my dad, but I still walk on eggshells around him.
Social anxiety? Yeah my dad did a shitty job at teaching me how to function as a normal person. I can't have a normal conversation and I can't speak in public. I wish he had taught me to speak up for myself, to be proud of my opinions and my beliefs. Instead, he taught me they don't matter. He taught me that unless they agreed with my elders I shouldn't voice them.
Depression? He didn't do a good job at showing me a happy life. He kept me on my toes all through childhood and he's made me cry more than anyone else. He set me off on a rocky road and he left my training wheels screwed loose.
I have a bad time at getting in a close relationship with people. Maybe this has something to do with him? I think this might have more to do with an incident involving my mom.
I just wish my dad was more supportive and kind to us when we were young. That's when I needed it most and he left me in the dust. I grew up not thinking much about my dad. Is that normal? I would go months completely forgetting I had a dad. He just wasn't there. To be honest, I preferred his absence to his presence.
