I can't help but feel I'm missing something. I began to fall asleep about an hour ago, but I woke with a start. I was confused as to why I was in my own bed and it took me a minute to remember why I wasn't still at my grandma's house. There's something I need to do. Maybe someone I need to talk to. I don't know, but I can't sleep.
I have auditions for high school band Monday and I can barely play three measures in the first song. I'm going to be terrible. I'm going to have my mom help me out a but tomorrow. Unless I sleep throughout the entire day. Maybe I should get something to eat. When is the last time I ate? I think at my grandma's. Gabriel is grinding his teeth in his sleep.
I went to the see a play at my school friday. I got to hear Frog Tequila sing so that kind of made up for the extremely awkward place my friend chose to sit. At one point I felt so out of place I almost cried. Then Frog Tequila came onstage and distracted me. Afterwards, I stood alone in the front of the school in the stupid rain because I just wanted to leave and I still wasn't sure if I would start crying because I was still so fucking uncomfortable. I practically ran into my grandma's car when she pulled up.
When we got to her house I began to run a bit because that's the only thing that really calms me down when I'm tense or upset, and then my grandma told me that I needed to calm down because I have no idea what stress is.
That really lifted my spirits, ya know?
That night all I could think about was my lack of friends and the high probability that a lot of kids I used to consider my friends now dislike me. Idk last night was just a terrible night for me. It's just dawning on me how much time I spend alone with myself.
I consider myself a friend of myself. Does that make any sense? I don't dislike myself. I try to pep myself up and I try to comfort myself. I know how to treat myself when I'm in a slump. Idk is that weird? Most days I try to treat myself kindly and with respect.
Some days, though, I just really want to open up my fucking arm or treat myself like scum. I honestly have no clue what I'm rambling on about. It's 3 am and my brain is not working. I'm not a night person at all.
So why the hell am I still awake?
I don't know.
If you haven't heard it, go listen to Antartica by Andrew Applepie, Redhead Gang.
Actually, let me go find you a really good song. This will take me a moment so excuse my absence.
You're reading this. I could leave for an hour and you not notice why the hell am I still talking ok I'll find the damn song
Sweet Tooth by Melanie Baker is it I think. Also anything by In Love With A Ghost. Have you heard the new song? Words Ain't Enough. Goodness, that song hurts.
I decided to listen to Adored By Him by dodie and as soon as she starts drumming I stared crying. Every time I try to listen to one of her old songs I immediately cry. Why? I don't know. I listened to her like she was a drug a few years ago when some stuff was happening and agh.
It's already 3:30 and I still am not able to sleep. I want to plant something. Do you think I'd get in trouble if I went out and watered my plants? I forgot to earlier and I haven't watered them since friday. I am obsessed with these darlings, I swear it. My lavender has began to sprout. I'll have to set an alarm for six so I can water them. Unless I'm still awake then. I want to clean my room. Gabriel is making noises in his sleep and what if he's talking to a demon. My mind wanders too much jesus fuck.
I'm going to go water them. The door makes a beepy thing when opened and it might wake up my mom and step dad but my plants might be dying. Jeremiah is dead and Tobias does not look well.
I want to talk to someone, but it's 3 in the morning. I just want to laugh with someone about something. Time to watch Markiplier I guess.
