I think I'm doing okay. I still have some problems to sort out, but overall I think I'm fine. I've been trying to keep my room clean, and it's been helping me think straight. I have to get all of my brain junk sorted out and organized. I'm trying to imagine little categories for things. That way I will be able to think of one thing at a time. I'm organizing my school related thoughts into one pile, my thoughts related to home in another, and my feelings into another. It sounds strange, doesn't it? It's really helping me get my life in order, though. I've been getting my chores done and I've been keeping my room tidy, as well as keeping up with school work. I've got the school and home thoughts sorted out nicely.
Now I just have to work on my feelings and relationships with others. This pile of brain junk is a particularly tangled and messy one. I need to figure out who I want to keep in my life, because some people really aren't that good for me. I've been trying to hang on to every single person I know because I was terrified of ending up alone. I say that like I'm not afraid anymore. I still am. Some people have a way of making me feel more alone than I feel without them though, if that makes sense. I just want things to be organized. I'm so tired of all the mess of emotions and confusion. It's been dragging me down mentally and it shows in my schoolwork.
Feelings really are a messy thing. You can never truly control them, and they can bring you to your knees. I want to figure myself out. I've never really paid much attention to myself. I've just been there. I think it was yesterday when I thought to myself: I am an actual person and I actually exist. I am human, just the same as these people you see every day. It was quite scary, really. I have always thought of myself as a thing. Never as a human. It's an unnerving feeling.
I want to do what's best for me. I want to be around people who will treat me right. People who see that I care about them. It stings when people ignore the fact that they mean so much to me.
I don't know what people see me as. Annoying? Quiet? Loud? Mean? Whiney? I see myself as tired. I'm always tired.
I know I'm talking nonsense, but I might as well get all the nonsense out of my head.
I don't think I'll publish this. This will just be the ramblings of an exhausted 14 year old girl. Wow I'm so young. I also think about how young I am a lot. Okay I'm rambling a bit too much.
None of my friends have been talking to me these past two days with the except for one person, yet I feel fine. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the left over giddiness from getting new shirts.
Ooh, my smexy shirts. It's a pity nobody will see them from under my jacket. My jacket is my safety blanket. :P
What else did I want to talk about? I feel like I was getting somewhere with this rambling...
Oh, yes! I remember now. It is strange that I feel fine, despite my isolation. I depend on other people to keep my happy. It's weird because I'm a really shy and introverted person but who knows. If I feel like someone is upset with me or are trying to avoid me, I completely freak out. Maybe I just need other people's approval to function as a normal person. I haven't had WiFi, so I've had nothing to entertain myself with. Well, I've had a book on here that has managed to keep me from falling into the depths of insanity, but I can only take so much of the constant romance it has in it. Romance is a funny thing, isn't it? I find it awfully scary. Let's keep it simple and sweet. Anybody? No? Okay.
It is when I get to these thoughts that I want to retreat back into my world of fiction. The thoughts that keep me up all night. I can't explain them. They make me wish to disappear.
Goodness, I'm tired.
I'd like to make this point clear to everyone. I am not a good person. I am an uncertain and an unstable person. I panic when things get complicated and I run when I feel cornered. I've hurt people, and just thinking about that hurts me. I don't want to be a source of pain for others.
I think this is my longest chapter on here. Probably because it's full of nonsense. If you've read this far, go listen to Chihiro by Yoste. It's so great. I just said that in Dodie's voice. Except I didn't say it, I thought it. Okay I can barely form a sentence, I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight.
2-20-17
