I've been all over the place today. It began well, and then as I was walking to school I had a friend talking to be about her depression. It made me want to cry because I felt so bad for her, and I felt guilty because she was willing to talk about it. She told her friends and they were all there to tell her she is loved and that they're for her and I got a little jealous. I just always feel so alone and it stinks.
If you've read the previous chapter then you will know that I tend to push people away. I think that a part of this stems from my fear of abandonment. When I get very close to a person all I can think of is "what of they get tired of me?" or "am I annoying them?" or "are they just staying with me out of pity?"
Because of these doubts I close myself off from them, subconsciously or not. I distract myself with unimportant things to hide my fear. I run from my problems and that's my main problem. I refuse the fact that I am sad and I fool myself into thinking it is alright when it is not.
I don't want to hide from it anymore. I want to acknowledge the fact that I am not happy, and I haven't been happy for several years now. I don't want to hide from it, but I don't want to wallow in it either. I want to kick and scream and shout and I want to fight it. I want to fight my fears, my doubts, my insecurities, my loneliness. I want to rip it to bits and stomp on it. The problem here is that I have absolutely no energy. I'm so tired all the time and it takes so much of me to put on a smile and laugh for people.
People I know have read this book and have told me that I sound very emo and whiney. I guess that's true. Maybe they don't understand how much I am hurting? I hurt all the time and if I don't let it out somehow, it's going to build up until I break.
I'm going way off topic. About my day.
After I got to school I was better when I was with Daniel and my friends. That's the only time I really see that many people I enjoy being around at once, and it's only about four people lol.
I went through my day going from happy to sad until the end of seventh period where I began to feel so alone it made feel ill. I walked most of the way home feeling like crap when a guy I know came up to me. We started talking and it was nice, I felt a lot better and less alone. Somehow we got to the topic of me being dumped and how that will happen soon and I agreed. Honestly it's only a matter of time until Dan Dan dumps me for some guy. XD
Anyway, I need to figure out how to get better. I'll make a list sometime soon. I think I first need to tidy up my room and organize. That will help me think.
Second I'll have to figure out my friends. It may sound bad, but some of them are not worth staying friends with. They make me feel bad and left out. Once I think about them I need to figure out if I should talk it out with them or just gradually stop talking to them. This step will be very hard for me because I'm pretty sure everyone knows by now that I'm a clingy little bitch and I hate leaving people.
I don't want to hurt anyone, (even though the people I would leave wouldn't miss me :P) but I'm just so sick of feeling like extra weight. I don't want to be the Peter of the group. I don't want to be the overlooked one. I don't want to be around people who don't want me around them. Not many people want me around, though. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I was Hitler in a past life and everyone can sense it. Idk.
-~°~-~°~-~°-
"I'm better on my own, but I don't want to be alone."
"I don't want to be alone, but I'm better on my own."
