So where should I start. How about the beginning? Like, the very beginning.
Well, I lived with my mom at my grandmothers house when I was 1 and 2, they spoiled me rotten as my mom likes to joke about. When I would cry they would come in and coddle me instead giving me a pat and letting me cry it out, and every night before bed my nana would dance with me. Eventually my mom and dad get a house in my grandmas neighborhood and yay a new bedroom and a baby brother! Something then happens and my dad gets laid off work and my mom has to take one 3 jobs and my dad plays videogames. Then I get older and blah blah childhood happens. Then I start going to sacred heart Catholic school and I meet some friends and I get my first crush on a boy named Gunnar. Yippee. Then my parents divorce and I move away from that school and start to go to public school which was a whole new experience because I had previously been in a class where there was about 20 kids in my entire grade, and now there's over a hundred little fourth graders running around. I'm the new girl and everyone is interested in me, and I get a little popular in my class. Fifth grade I get into the G&T class so none of the friends I made are there with me. I have to do the entire "meeting new people" thing again, and Jesus I am bad at that. Anyway, the kids hate me and I end up with only one friend, despite trying to worm my way into several friend groups. More yippees. Everyone makes fun of me and calls me a demon and my English teacher enjoys calling me demented when he's not busy talking to the pretty girls in the class. Creep.
Then my mom meets my now stepdad and they start dating and then they marry and then we have to sell our house because of something my dad put in the divorce papers. Now I'm moving to a new town, in a different hois than I grew up in, away from my best friend and I get tossed into this new school. I hate this school, let me tell you, I also hate my mom for remarrying and I hate my step dad for marrying my mom and I hate my dad for making is move and I'm about as full of hate as a 12 year old girl should ever be. I'm constantly angry and one little thing can set me off into a flash of rage. I beat up my brother and I scream at my mom. I threaten to kill my step brothers and I cry myself to sleep at night. I have a few friends but I never feel like I could trust them enough to talk about how I feel or how alone I am. Several months of this later my mom sends me to a shrink because my attitude is bad. I don't like this one bit. Can't they see I'm hurting?
I see the shrink for a month or two, meeting up every other Thursday I think? Anyway, she's nice enough.
Every day I'm in pain. Every night I fall asleep to my shoulders shaking in a steady beat. I use my music to cover up my sobs.
It's in this year that I meet my best friend. Lets call her S.
I meet her on Quotev and we instantly click. I talk to her every day and she heals me without me even noticing at first. She patches up my wounds and gives me someone to trust when everyone around me seems so scary and unreachable. I'd be lying if I say I didn't fall at least a little bit in love with her.
Bad idea to reread our convesrsations. Now I want to cry. Maybe I should.
We're not done yet, don't leave. Are you even here in the first place?
One day I'm watching LukeIsNotSexy when he mentions someone by the name of dodie clark. I decide to go check her out (wink wonk) and holy guacamole she's freaking fantastic. The first song I ever hear her sing was "she" and wow I have never cried more to a song in my life.
Anyway lets skip over this bad year and jump into the next one.
Here I am, seventh grade and I am a changed child. I vowed to make this a happier year for me and I sure did keep this promise. This is the year where I meet Daniel, my wifey, and start talking to Jazzmine more. Also I meet the twins so that's fun. Anyway, I have athletics with a friend I knew from the previous year and eventually I become friends with her friend too. We hang out a lot and they became really close to me. I finally have friends I cam talk to and trust.
I met Jazzmine in my science class in sixth grade and we became friends but I wouldn't consider us close. I forgot how but I end up getting her phone number and we start texting. Pretty soon I realize what a majestic human being this girl is and im like "I need her to be my best friend right now" and so she becomes. I meet Daniel in my math class. He had sat on the opposite side of the class and everyone else found him annoying so I decided to find him annoying too because why not, I didn't know him as anything other than the smiley redhead kid and my opinion on him would not affect him in any way. One day after a particularly rowdy outburst from his side of the class He is sent to sit at my table. Oh also there was this guy I liked in this class. I should really think things through before I write things down. Anyway, Daniel comes here and I remember a boy named Patrick going "oh God" as he walked over. When he sat down and started talking, though, I realized he wasn't half bad and he was pretty funny too. We start talking more and we become friends.
I'm happy.
The second semester of 7th grade I begin to stop liking that one guy I mentioned earlier. There really was no reason for me to like him in the first place, and I'm too young for that nonsense anyway. As I do this, though, I realize that whoopsie daisy I kinda like Daniel. I deal with this information for a couple months until the end of school where he walks me to the corner. He wasnt going to be there for the last day. I was hoping for something as we walked, but I don't really know what.
Also can I mention here how he waded through a flooded parking lot? Just a memory I had.
I don't really remember much anymore, but I tried.
In the summer Daniel and I texted, as well as Jazzmine and I. As my bonds grow stronger with these two through the year, they loosen with S. It gets to the point where we would say:
"Hey"
"Heyo"
"What's up?"
"I'm ......."
"What about you?"
"Oh I'm just....."
And then nothing for a month. Then repeat. At random times I remind myself of this and I would panic. I was losing my best friend. The one who had carried me through when I was a weak little girl. The one who gave me advice and showed me how to be strong. In the moments I think of this, I feel like I had before we met. Weak and afraid. Afraid to lose someone. Before I have long to dwell on this, Jazzmine or Daniel would send me a text. I am okay.
When I start 8th grade everything is okay again. I have friends I return to and I feel like I have a place. Heck, I even have a boyfriend. Yeah, that guy I liked last year. Boy I have poor judgement. I still like Daniel but I figured it wasn't going to work out. After a couple months of dating the guy, though, I'm not happy. Goodness he seems desperate to get in my pants. I have to remind him sometimes that he is 13 years old and needs to slow the heck down. It's at this point that S. and i lose all contact. I message her but no reply.
I break up with him a little bit later (more like my friend does) because im 14 and I don't need none of that shit and then stuff happens and life continues and then Daniel asks me out (more like his friend does)
I feel like an honest to god middle school girl. "Omg Ryan McHotguy asked me out today I'm totally dumping Todd for him because omg his biceps are firm! ;)"
So here I am with Daniel and I'm happy as can be and then my schedule changes and I'm in new classes with people I don't know nor do I like and I lose touch with most of the friends I busted my ass to get in 7th grade.
Even more stuff happens that is too recent for me to want to explain and Daniel breaks up with me once, gets back with me, and then breaks up with me again because me and my stupidity. Yeah, being depressed and not motivated to do anything is a real relationship killer.
Now I am the me I am now and the me I am now sucks and I would tell myself to go fuck myself but I'm not in the mood so fuck me. Fuck.
S. hasn't responded to me since I sent that message seven months and I hope she's alright. I don't know, I miss her.
Well there we have it. A little peeksie into the life of the elusive Izb.
This took way too long to write.
