Fight the Feelings

The first encounter

Pain is the little voice in your had that tries to hold you back because it knows if you continue,

you will change  

Ashley P.O.V

Finally I am home from the last bit of my tour, I have been so excited because I can finally relax and plan for the future. As much as I loved touring I know that it wasn't  right for me to put on a brave face and pretend to be this strong, Confident woman when truly on the inside I was dying from insecurities.

It was hard finishing the last dates of the tour, I started not to eat or treat my body well because I thought I was fat and I shouldn't think those thoughts. I have kids that look up to me, what type of mother would I be If I didn't treat my body the way it should be treated. Someone once mentioned that in order for other people to love you, you have to love your self and inner qualities. Now I know what she meant by that saying.

So right now I am lying on the lounge while the boys are at school thinking about what I was going to do on my break. I only had a few more months until the new year and I wanted to do so much within that time, I wanted to start work on my new album, I promised Fifty I would help him with his album, I also want to try cooking more so we don’t have as much takeaway for dinner but I know the most important thing I want to do on this break is work on myself, work on my insecurities and confidence, that was the only way to get my self esteem back and get back to being on top.

The days of relaxing really didn't last long, I can't sit at home and do nothing I always seem to end up  working on something to do with my career, from writing songs to working on my costumes. So I thought I would take the opportunity to go to new York so I can start helping Fifty on his album. I just dropped my kids of at their dads for their week with him, his promised Kane he would help him with his basketball, so I knew he was happy and they wouldn't miss me that much.

“ so do you like the chorus or do you want to keep working on it” I asked Fifty as I stared at him in the booth, we had been in here for like 2 or 3 hours trying to work out this one chorus. We just couldn't get the right words to describe his feelings. Fifty was a perfectionist so it really needed to be right ,but I Don't mind how much time we spend in here because being in the studio was fun with fifty and it took my mind away from everything that was happening outside.

“ I don't know, it could be better” he mumbled scratching the back of his head trying to figure out what to do with it. He was looking at his phone so in an instant he got distracted. I have a phone but I don’t get distracted and caught up on like Facebook and twitter unlike Fifty who spends hours on it everyday just randomly checking into places and updating random status that often don't make sense.

We sat for the next hour trying to figure out new words but after that we both just got caught up in mucking round, when we both get bored we start acting like children especially Fifty who turns into an annoying 5 year old, so instead of eating his salted peanuts he was sitting beside me throwing them at my head, to get a reaction out of me. I know that's why he does it all he wants was me to react and pay attention to him. He forgets that I do have two sons, that spend numerous time on the road with me and can get very easily bored.

“ Fifty. Stop” I giggled trying to get out of the target zone but all Fifty did was laugh and continue to hit my head. He could tell that I was actually enjoying it, and I think he likes seeing  my smile which these days takes a lot to appear on my face.

“oh by the way, Some friends are coming by soon, just to say hello” he said making me looking up at him with worry. Right now I wasn't good with meeting new people I didn't have the confidence to introduce myself and begin conversations with them, I always seem quiet and like I'm not interested in them but it is just because I am shy and I'm  not sure what their real motives are.