DISASTROUS ( Jon Snow )

19

it was silence that broke her heart, the sharp, bitter growing silence. silence became a real creation inside her that ate her from the inside out, breaking everything in her with a sound.

-vazaki nada

__________

Into her pillow, Amaris sobbed. She clutched the soft material tightly to her face in attempts to drown out any noise. Despite her knowing in her heart that Jon would refuse her father, it still pained her, like she was being stabbed over and over.

Jon Snow was now the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. Any hope she could have held onto for them being together was now vanquished. She had known it, expected it, but this finality hurt more than she imagined. Amaris screamed into the pillow before throwing it across the room with as much force her body could muster up.

She was hurt. She was sad. She was furious.

However, she couldn't wallow in her misery for long because someone was knocking on her door. Expecting it to be Melisandre (who else would be calling on her so late?), Amaris didn't bother to wipe the tears from her eyes before opening the door.

"Jon," Amaris breathed out. She quickly wiped at her face. "What are you doing here?"

She noticed how pale he looked. There was something in his eyes as well, something that told her he was in shock.

"I just executed Janos Slynt," Jon whispered, walking into the cold room and standing in front of the fire. "My first action as Lord Commander was to cut off a man's head."

"I'm sure he deserved it," Amaris said in attempt to comfort Jon.

"He did," Jon sighed, "and if I hadn't done it, I would have looked weak. Too many of the men don't like me. I have to look strong."

Hesitantly, Amaris dropped the fur covering she had wrapped around her body and approached Jon. She placed a trembling hand on his forearm and smiled kindly when he looked at her.

"It sounds like you're trying more to convince yourself than me."

Jon looked like he was at war with himself. The way he was looking at Amaris was awfully familiar in the way that it caused her heart to beat erratically in her chest. His dark eyes looked into hers and Amaris couldn't help but smile just a bit.

"What is it?" she asked him, her cheeks flushed.

"I've made so many mistakes," Jon whispered miserably, "and the biggest mistake of my life was leaving you."

Amaris' heart tightened as a lump formed in her throat. Doing her best to not shed a single tear, Amaris lifted her hands and held Jon's face between her palms. She forced a brave smile onto her face while she shook her head at him.

"You did what you thought was best," Amaris told him, her voice quiet but strong. "Whether it was or wasn't doesn't matter. Y—you're a sworn brother now... the Lord Commander."

Amaris wanted to say more, keep Jon standing in front of her, but she let go of his face and turned away. She stood in front of the burning fire and let her eyes drift close. She could feel Jon's eyes on her and she could still feel the pressure of his lips on hers from all those years ago.

"Why are you still here?" Amaris asked, staring into the fire.

"I can't keep myself away from you," Jon confessed. "No matter how hard I try."

Scowling, Amaris spun around and stormed towards him. Her hands gripped his cloak and pulled his face close to hers. Her eyes were alight like fire, burning into him as she glared.