My Own Way

Chapter 26 - Part 1

Chapter 26 – Part 1

Sitting in my car in the parking lot of Blake's building, I was so nervous I couldn't move.  I couldn't find the courage to open my car door and walk to the building.

I could feel the panic and once again I wanted to run.  The only reason I was still in my car and not speeding away was the image of Blake's blue eyes and the way he always looked at me.  He always had a way of making me feel like I was the most special person in the world.  I knew that thought was ridiculous but it was all in his eyes and how he made me feel.

I had been sitting in my car for a bit over thirty minutes in the parking lot when I heard my cell phone buzz, informing me that I had a new text message.

'Hey, are you still coming over?' Blake wrote.

I just sat there looking at my phone not knowing how to answer.  I put my phone down on the passenger seat and rested my head on my headrest trying to calm myself down.

So many thoughts, feelings, memories of my past and of my present life were passing through my head.  To tell and explain my past to Blake, I had to think and relive it all.  It was the most vulnerable part of myself and I was about to share that with him.  I had never done that before.  Yes some people knew the truth but the only 'outsiders' that I told was Emily and Lisa and they both didn't really count.  Emily being my therapist everything was confidential and Lisa...well she was family to me.

I grabbed my things, putting my phone in my bag and finally opened my car door.  I didn't bother to answer his text, I still didn't know how to answer.  Even as I walked towards his building, I knew there was still a chance that I could turn around and leave, even with the promise I made to him about not running away from him anymore. I used to hold on to it with dear life but at the moment the promise didn't help like it used to.

As I arrived at the front door to the apartment building, I took a deep breath and whispered out loud, "Please let it be okay."  I needed the courage and strength to pull open that door and get to Blake.

I walked in the building and took the elevator to his floor.

Standing outside his front door for awhile, the voice inside my head was screaming at me and telling me to run but I knew I couldn't.

I knew I was going to tell him everything but only the way my mom had suggested it, to tell him about Jesse and that house but leave out the killing part.  If I felt comfortable after that, then I could tell him the rest.

As I lifted my arm to knock on the door I heard the 'ding' of the elevator, making me turn around.   The doors opened and Joey came out.

He looked surprised to see me just as I was surprised to see him.