Beautiful Mistake

xxix

I lay numbly on my bedroom floor. One second someone's here and the next they're not. It's so quick, like the blink of an eye.

Warren lays next to me, every few seconds I hear him let out a shaky breath.

He didn't only lose Tessa, but he lost his baby too and that's the hardest part to swallow for me. After Collin told us what happened with Tessa, he left the room and I don't know where he went.

I look over at Warren and his eyes are bloodshot and swollen, his cheeks are flushed a deep red, and his gaze is on the ceiling.

"Caroline?" He croaks, turning his head to look at me.

"Yes?" I try to keep from crying, but seeing him so broken, and knowing my best friend is now dead. It's extremely hard. A few tears slip from my eyes and I wipe them before they get too crazy.

"I'm never gonna be happy. I can feel it. Future me is never gonna be, wholehearted without my baby, and Tessa." He turns his head back to the ceiling, "I wouldn't have minded if I had the life where she hated me, had a new boyfriend, and he helped take care of our kid. And when I'd go get them from Tessa, her boyfriend would open the door and send them out with their backpack all packed."

"Warren, I know this is difficult. But we'll get through this. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's true. You can dwell in the past, one day, you'll find a woman and a child to fill that hole that Tessa left okay? It may not be a perfect fit, but it can always suffice." I cuddle into him and he kisses the top my head.

"I don't know if that'll ever happen Care," his gaze is now lost, he's not really looking at anything. His eyes seem lost in themselves, drowning in sadness and regret.

"It'll happen if you let it happen." I whisper, putting my head on his chest, "Do want to know a secret I haven't told anyone yet?"

"Hmm?"

"I haven't been to my prenatal appointments in the last couple months or so."

"Why?" He asks, resting his head on top of mine.

"I don't know. It's just, I'm afraid to go. It's scary having people poking a prodding because of another human inside me." He hums and I adjust his shirt, "I'm sorry War."

"Yeah, me too." He says quietly, "Is it okay if I go with you and Collin on Sunday?"

"Yes! Of course Warren. You can come to every single appointment if you want to." He sighs and I feel him nod.

"I just thought of something."

"Want to share?"

"I have to tell my entire family that the woman who carried my child died." The room is silent and the atmosphere is heavy. My chest feels like it has a gigantic weight on it and I know it's going to be there for a long time, rest of my life even. He slowly sits up and I go up with him, "I'm going home, I'll see you later Caroline."

"Hey!" I grab his arm before he fully gets up. He looks at me, questioning why I just randomly yanked him, "You're not driving home, I'm gonna have Collin drop you and your car at home."

"He doesn't need to drive me home, I'm fine Caroline."

"No," I push myself off the floor and gain my balance. "You just lost your child and girlfriend, you're not driving home." Warren sighs and nods.

"I think you just want him and me to kill each other," Warren mumbles loosely as we both walk out of my bedroom. I open Collin's door and he sits on his bed, scrolling on his phone.

He looks up at me and waits for a reason why I opened his door, "Hey, can you give Warren a ride home in his car? Please?" Collin begins to say something but then shuts his mouth and nods, "Thank you." I say, shutting his door and taking Warren by the hand.

"Hey, don't worry about anyone but yourself okay? I want you to be safe and healthy. And call me on Sunday so we can pick you up alright?" He nods and tosses Collin his car keys. I give him a long hug before he turns around and walks out the door, Collin behind him.

I sigh deeply when the door shuts. My heart aches when I take a breath. I know this isn't good for the baby, extreme sadness, depression but I don't know how I can just ignore the fact that my best friend died and I spent that time mad at her over the fact that she lied to me.

I go into the living room and sit on the couch in between my parents. I feel my eyes begin to burn and the lump in my throat.

"Honey, what's wrong?" My Mom looks at me, concern clear in her features.

"Tessa died. Her plane crashed." The tears fall and in an instant, I'm engulfed in my mother's hug.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry." She whispers, stroking my hair softly. My dad rests his hand on my back, rubbing it slowly. It calms me but the tears keep flowing.

We sit there for however long and I just let everything out. I pulled back from the embraces and wiped my entire face. My sleeve is soaked and my mother's shirt has a big dark spot from my tears.

"Thank you." I sigh, putting my head in my hands for a second. I push my hair out of my face and stand up. "I'm gonna go take a nap. I'll be down in time for dinner." I look into my bedroom and the sadness hits me again. Instead of going into my room, I open Collin's bedroom door and shut it behind me.

I lay down on the bed and flip on the television. I turn on the recorded Pixar movie, Monsters Inc.

Ten minutes into the movie the bedroom door opens and keys are thrown onto the dresser under the TV.

"What're you doing in here?" Collin shuts the door and takes off his jacket.

"I don't wanna be in my room," I say as he gets into the bed. He scoots in next to me and puts his hands up.

"Can I touch you or are those rules still in place?"

I think about it, pondering over the thought and I nod my head, "You're allowed to." Collin lays his hand on my stomach and runs it over my tummy.

He says, "You know, this baby is going to be beautiful." The feeling of butterflies happen again and Collin's eyes nearly fall out of his head, "I just felt that. It kicked!"

"Yeah, the baby's kicking alright." I smile and he begins to laugh, a full-on laugh. It was beautiful, his teeth glow in the television light and the sound echoes in the room.

"I've never felt that before! It's amazing." He leaves his hand in the same place for a second but I feel the baby kicking in another place. I pick up his hand and move it there. For a little while, we just sit here, chasing our baby's kicks in the space where its feet obviously are. This moment is a moment I'll remember for the rest of my life, in immense sadness, my baby makes me happy.

Collin makes me happy.