Beautiful Mistake

xli

"Are you ready?" Collin comes into the room, dressed in a suit.

"Uh, yeah," I look in the mirror at my clothes and look back at Collin before I start to cry.

"I'll be in the car," He leaves my bedroom and I slip on my black flats. I take my phone from my bedside table and leave my bedroom. The drive to the cemetery is quiet and feels like forever.

When we pull into the parking lot of the graveyard, the both of us meet with Tessa's family and Warren's family.

"Hello Caroline, its good to see you again," Tessa's mom gives me a tight hug and then places her hand on my stomach, "Bless you dear," I smile slightly and give her another hug.

"I'm so sorry that this happened," I whisper, trying to keep the tears in.

"We're burying an empty casket, but anything you brought that you want to out on top is welcome," The funeral director says as we approach the area where the coffin with a picture of Tessa sits. She's smiling brightly in the photo, her brown hair down in a long wavy style, "Please everyone, keep your distance from the hole," He says, everyone backs up and the priest is the only one standing remotely close to the casket.

The service begins and the priest begins talking about what a wonderful life Tessa lead and how she was a spirit that brightened everyone's lives. Basically what every priest says.

"Now, we have a few words from Tessa's very close friend, Caroline Folsen," My name comes out of his mouth and I almost freeze. The words I practiced so many times slip from my head and I look over at Collin who lightly nudges me to the stand.

I walk over and replace the priest in the spot in front of the casket.

"So, I had this big speech prepared about how much of a great friend Tessa was and how much she meant to me. It was all true but it's all kind of gone now, I don't remember much of it. It's kind of hitting me now that my best friend is gone. Tessa has been there for me for so long, for a really long time. No matter what it was, she was there, ready to hold my hand and jump with me."

Tears brim my eyes as I continue talking, "The truth is, before Tessa left, we got in a big fight. It was a fight over something incredibly small and stupid. I regret not saying goodbye to her, or hugging her, or telling her that I love her. I loved her so much, she was like a sister to me. I don't know how any of this could've happened. I just want to say now, to Tessa, wherever she is, that I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I was mad, I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you how much you meant to me. Also, I always felt like funerals were a load of bull. You know? When that person is alive, nobody claims how much they loved them, or how much they cared, but until that person dies and it's time to say things about them, that's when people choose to say things like this."

I look over at Collin who's wiping under his eyes, "All I know, is that Tessa was the best friend I could ever ask for and that it, that's all I pretty much have to say," I walk away from the stand and make my way back over to Collin who automatically pulls me into a hug.

"You did so well Care, I'm proud of you," He whispers, rubbing my back softly.

"Next, some words from Tessa's boyfriend and father of her child," The priest says, moving out of the way again for Warren.

"Hi, everyone. My name is Warren. Uh, so I was Tessa's boyfriend. And for the time I was her boyfriend, it was amazing. She was so fun and charming, and just gorgeous. I actually proposed to her not that long ago and she turned me down, not saying that's a bad thing, it's just when she said no, it kind of stuck with me and I always wondered why she said no to me. Now though, now I think I know why," Warren stares at the crowd, "She told me no, but that she still loved me. I don't think it's because she wasn't ready or because she didn't want me, but because she's Tessa."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, where is he going with this?

"I know it doesn't make much sense but if you knew Tessa, the real Tessa, you'd know she's such a free spirit that couldn't be tied down. She just somehow knew that I wasn't the one for her. Even though she was having our child, we both knew deep inside, we weren't meant to be together romantically. Caroline, Tessa and me have been the trio for so long. I'm starting to think this entire speech isn't making sense. I think I'm finished, but I want everyone to know before I go, that Tessa was the light of my life and she was the girl I loved."

Everyone claps but the wind drowns out some of us.

"Beautiful words from Warren, thank you." The priest says, clapping as he takes the microphone again, "This funeral is coming to a close, we are going to lower the casket into the ground and then anyone who would like to participate in the celebration dinner will head over to Warren's home."

They remove the flowers from the top of the coffin but all of the personal items stay. The motor of the thing sounds and the casket is lowered into the ground. I look at Collin and he watches intensely as they set the wooden box on the floor in the hole.

Tessa's mother cries into her husbands shirt, the sight rips my heart from my chest. There's no way I'd be able to come back from this if I was a parent. I can't imagine the pain they must feel.

I wouldn't be able to live day-to-day knowing that my child is dead and there's nothing I can do about it. It's hard to even think about.