The Fangirl in a Heartbeat

Chapter 14 - Patrick's Monologue

Chapter 14 - Patrick's Monologue

Patrick's POV

Dumbfounded. 

That is what I'm feeling about my talk with Mia earlier, in general. 

I'm now at my bedroom, listening to piano music, as I lay down in bed, remembering our conversation awhile ago. 

I had so many thoughts that I wanted to tell her awhile ago. Also, I’ve got so many explanations towards a lot of things that she might question. At the same time, there are so many questions in my head but I just don't know where to start. 

Since when did she realized that? 

I know, I know... I did not show any interest towards her, I'm guilty of that. Also, I know that it has been eight years since she told me about her feelings towards me, that she likes me, and that she'll stick with me no matter what. 

But I didn't do anything about it. 

I mean, why me of all people? I don't know what love is... it's such a big word for me. I'm not even sure if I am ready to feel that. 

Sure I flirt with a lot of girls from time to time, but that's just it. I like the feeling of being wanted and being appreciated. I like it when they tell me that they like me, and that they miss my presence whenever I'm not with them... but to jump in a real, legit relationship, I don't know yet. 

As I hear Mia talking her heart out earlier... I feel hurt seeing the sadness in her eyes. It's something unexplainable in my part, I really can't explain it. 

All I know is that I can't bear to see her sad... that I have to look away from her at that time, to look at anything or anywhere as long as it's not her. It hurts seeing her with that sad, defeated expression. 

Why do I feel that I just lose something important in my life? 

That's like a 'one million-dollar question' for me. We're just friends. I've never treated her more than that. Maybe, I may have not even look like I'm a friend to her... worse, I may have seen her as just some other fan, it just so happen that she's more consistent than anyone else. 

But that's not the point. Why do I feel like it's such a loss for me? I should even be happy that she finally realized that she should stop clinging on to me for some feelings that she's aware that I won't return. I should be happy that she chose not to pursue her feelings towards me, after all as she has said it, it's just one sided. 

I'm saving her from heartache. At least I did not take advantage of her feelings towards me. I chose not to do anything about it. 

But really... why does it feel that I just had my heart broken? 

She did not reject me... I clearly, first-handedly rejected her in the first place. It’s just that she's blindly in love with me for eight freakin' years. 

Such a waste of time on her part, I know. 

She could've loved somebody else around those years, someone who will like her back. Why did she even bother on pursuing me?

She said something about hope and wishful thinking...

Sigh. What have I done? Why does it feel so wrong? I should be happy about this, but why is it that I can't even feel that I won in this situation? 

I feel guilty, hurt, and... sad. I don't know. This is not how things should end. This is not how things should've become. 

Plus, there's also one thing that I didn't cleared out with her... the time that she may have thought that I've been sleeping with someone else in my room when in fact it is my older cousin who just stayed for a week to visit us before she goes back to Singapore to continue her studies. She's like my older sister that I never had. She just wanted to catch-up with me at that time. 

I'm not even sure as to why do I even have to explain my side about that. I don't owe her an explanation, heck I'm not even sure if she checked me out on my bedroom to wake me up or if she just really decided not to go to my room because she remembered to do something. 

But it's impossible, no matter what she had to do, she'll chose to wake me up first... that's how she is when it comes to me before. 

Also, deep down inside, I really feel that I owe her an explanation. I really want to clear that misunderstanding. 

Suddenly, something in my mind just clicked. What if that's the time that she realized how silly she was for liking me for eight years? 

Did she realize that I'm not worth it of her time anymore? Did she think that I'm a manwhore? Or even a playboy? What if she thinks that I sleep with random girls... and that I'm capable of going beyond flirtations? 

Oh God. Why? Did I just make a bad record on her list? 

Ughhhhh. Thinking about this makes my head hurt. I don't know what to do about this situation. I don't even know what to think about this situation. 

It's for the best, let Mia do what she thinks is right.

No conscience, I have to clear things with her. I know she does not want me anymore but that doesn't mean that I should just leave things that way. I have to clear a misunderstanding, that's all! 

Why clear things? It won't change anything. She decided to stop liking you already.

No, no, no. Ughh I DON'T KNOW! I just don't want things to end sour between us. Heck, I'm not even sure if we're still friends. 

You never acted like a friend to her anyway... so why bother now?

Wow. How motivational for you to say. Stupid conscience. 

It's the same as telling yourself that you're stupid. I'm just YOUR conscience anyway.

Ughh. Shut up. You're messing my already messed up thoughts some more. 

I know this may sound stupid... but if I can't get the perfect timing to clear the misunderstanding, that doesn't mean that I'll just forget about it. 

For now I have be on her good side. 

You just wait Mia... I'm not giving up on you. 

I'll be on your good side and be friends with you... for real. 

---

Author’s note:

Yay! It’s the 14th chapter already!

I know, I know, it’s short and it seems like a filler, but hey! At least you get to have a glimpse of what Patrick thinks about this situation *wags eyebrows*

So, tell me what you think about it? What will Patrick do now? How will he be able to be on Mia’s good side? Also, what do you think will the other characters do by the time they know this?

Stay tuned to find out!

Vote and comment! I appreciate all of your feedbacks :D

Chat away whenever, message me your thoughts :)

I’ll update within this week or next week!

Have a nice day awesome readers, woohoo!

~kirimisashimi♥