Words

Who I Really Am

Darkness consumed me. It was intoxicating. It was addicting; the way it devours me. And I won't do anything about it. It's reminding me I'm nothing without it. It's reminding me I'm powerless without it.

So, I write.

I write with my own blood to create a world where all the bad things exist. A world where there is no such thing as hope. A world where I can breed hatred and it won't be classified as a sin. A world where there is no guilt or conscience; just pure malice.

...and I loved it.

I didn't really care about anything else.

...until you came.

I was never bothered by silence until you made me realize how uncomfortable it was.

I was never bothered by the void in my heart because how would I notice when it's already empty in the first place? But you. You fill it with different emotions.

I was never bothered by the darkness until you light it up with fireworks.

I never noticed how empty I was until you made me feel.

Honestly, I never wanted to be like this. I was always comfortable with being alone. I was completely okay with it. Because, heck, I didn't really care. But now, I'm obsessed with these peculiar emotions. I'm nothing without your smile. I'm nothing without your embrace. And I'm terrified of feeling empty again.

I was dead but you made me feel alive again.

Now, I want to live... with you by my side.

At first I was hesitant about it. Because, you make me weak. You made me depend on you. And I hated that.

I pushed you away.

But you came back, with a smile on your face. You wrapped me in you arms and promised me you won't run away. And in that moment, I was like a fragile little girl. I cried. Because you were the first person to ever say that.

And, heck, I believed you.

You became my drug. I was so afraid to let you go. I was afraid that when I let go of your hand, you'll be somewhere else and you'll leave me alone in the darkness again. I told you I don't want to go back in there anymore. I don't want darkness to devour me again. You smiled at me and promised me you won't go away. You promised me you'll stay by my side for eternity. And I was happy.

But, as time passes by, you're not smiling like you used to anymore.

I asked you what happened.

You smiled dryly and confessed, "It's suffocating here."

From that moment, I started to realize that both of us are trapped in my colorless, lifeless world. And you're starting to lose you own.

I was too happy I never noticed the change in you eyes. I was too happy I never noticed that darkness is already consuming you.

I know I'm the one to blame.

I was the one who brought you here.

I chained you here so you wouldn't escape and you didn't stop me.

You fulfilled your promise and still chose to stay.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I unclasped my hand from you and released you from the chains I wrapped around your body.

I need to get away from you.

I can still save you.

You can still save yourself from me.

And lastly, thank you.

Thank you for reminding me who I really am.