Stress.
That's all I'm feeling right now.
I have no reason to be stressed. I don't have any impeding deadlines or anything, I'm just stressed.
You ever get into one of those moments where you're just sitting and thinking "holy shit. I've only been alive for sixteen years and with modern medicine I could live into my nineties. I can't handle that. I can barely handle what I've been through already"? Yeah, those. I'm having one of those. I just think about all the crap my family and I have been through in the last ten years and I panic. I can't go through more of that. My mental state is too messed up. Human minds can only handle so much.
And then you get to thinking about how pointless life is anyway. It all ends the same way: death. You're born, the middle part is crazy and different for everyone, but you try to make it as good as possible, and then you die. What's the point? Wouldn't it just be easier not to go through the whole middle part?
The only thing that keeps me here is guilt. Guilt for something I haven't even done. If I were to go I'd leave my friends and family blaming themselves, wondering what they could've done to help. And I don't want that for that. I wish I could just be selfish for god damn once and skip to the end, but I care too much. I try not to, because people only get hurt, but I care. If I didn't care it would be easy.
If I didn't care, I'd already be gone.
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts and Feelings
Non-FictionTRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, ANXIETY, ETC. Welcome to my brain on my darkest days and nights. I'm warning you, it's not pretty, so continue at your own risk. This involves questions I find myself asking on a daily basis, rants...
