At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 1

Like me, she too was all kinds of broken, but I never expected her to use the shards of her own shattered heart to cut me deeper than I had ever imagined. I just stood there unable to feel pain, in stunned awareness of how numb I had become. The world had betrayed me again, using the most irresistible of weapons...hope.

I read the email over and over, looking for clues. Clues that would convince me these could not possibly be her words, but rather those of a "friend" or even a jealous colleague, heck, maybe even an obsessed ex who hacked into her email. Just someone (anyone) who convinced her to send this message, clearly knowing it would destroy me.

This was not the same girl who just 72 hours ago was joking about me giving her children with my green eyes if I ever left her. This was not the same girl who warned me against falling in love with her, but then instantly said she hoped it wasn't her who fell in love with ME.

I read the email again.

----------------------------------------------------------------

From: Hot Train Girl #2 [mailto: ]

Sent: 06 August 2013 09:17 AM To: Shaun Myburg

Subject: RE: hello

Ok so...

I'm not sure what the rules are here. Am I allowed to talk to you if I see you on the train? No you aren't Am I not allowed to email you? & again No you aren't & I will never get another e-mail from you in my life.

I'm not sure. You should be sure now.

All I know is I've been thinking about this whole thing for the last few days, and I feel I have to say what's on my mind.

If you choose to cut all ties after this email, then I understand and respect that. Thank you please do respect my wishes.

However, in my heart, I just can't let things "end" the way they did. You really should.

I'd like to start with an apology.

Because of what I've been through in my life I tend to speak my mind instantly...I don't know if there is a tomorrow, and I live out loud that way. This has often been my downfall. So for coming on so strong, I apologize. That was unfair on you, and I guess I'm so used to losing people so soon in my life that when someone comes in I panic and try hold onto whatever is there so hard that I end up suffocating them. But some of the things you said to me just touched my heart and soul in way it's always needed, and I allowed myself to act on those feelings, which in retrospect was a mistake. I am a nice person until people f**k with me, & guess what, you really have.

That was never my intention with you. However we can't deny that there was something there between us, a spark, no matter how faint. I am ridiculously bad at "seeing the signs" when someone is interested in me, but with you, I felt it. There were no signs, there was no spark, I am not interested in you. Oh my gosh!!!!!! I was just being polite.

It's such a mean world that we live in, that we tend to close ourselves off to good things, for fear that we are hurt even more. The people around us tell us to believe certain things, or to back away from something, because they don't believe good intentions are still there. I don't claim to know anything about your life, but I can see it in your eyes, that you want to see good in people, but you get scared and shut it down before it gets too far or too real. You should not claim to know anything about me because you do not know me & you never will, I see good in people yes but that's where it ends. I shut things down that are going to cause a problem in my life- i.e. you & your fantasy world.