At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 31

I have always found my greatest solace in travel. Whether by plane, train or automobile, there is something about the state of flux, which calms me, and helps me think clearer. Even as a kid, my greatest joys came from our family holidays to the coast. For those few days at least, all our family troubles disappeared.

My favourite past time, was begging and pleading with my parents to visit the airport. But unlike so many people who loved watching the planes take off from the observation deck, my greatest joy was watching the people. The human race for all their faults, are still the most amazing show on earth.

With this road trip, not only was the plan to spend some time alone, but to interact with complete strangers - people who had no clue who I was, and didn't judge me on the last few years. I was going to be the mysterious stranger who rode into town, changed their lives and then left just as mysteriously. But in truth, I just needed to get over Lori. She was consuming my thoughts, and I just could not stop blaming myself for how it ended. What did I do wrong?

And with that, I drove. I drove from 9am until 2am the next morning. Getting lost on deserted farm roads, almost flipping my car trying to avoid a rabbit in the road, and just laughing to myself at the absurdity of my situation, but I was loving every minute of it. Nobody was responsible for me, but me. Nobody had power over me either. I was free to be myself. Good or bad.

As with my previous road trip, the whole journey was documented by me with my little video camera. I edited it together each day and uploaded it online, because I always thought, hey, if they ever make a movie about this, at least I had the real footage they could show during the end credits.

For the next 11 days, I drove through five provinces, relying on the kindness of strangers when it came to food and accommodation. I drove through small towns, poor neighborhoods; I found coastal lines I didn't know existed; I drove many isolated roads where mine was the only visible car for hours at a time. If I was looking for loneliness, I had found it. I had also found the beauty of life, from the magnificence of sunrises and sunsets, to the fear of nature while being chased by snakes in the wild grass when all I wanted to do was take a pee on the side of the road.

One day I drove an additional six hours to see an old friend in Cape Town, also in the hope that I could stay the night to get some rest, but as happy (and shocked) as he was to see me arrive suddenly at his office, he already had guests staying with him. I laughed it off, citing I had other arrangements anyways, and then simply got back in my car and drove back to the town I had just come from, another six hours back.

The whole journey was carefree, careless, dangerous and revolutionary.

I had what people call an epiphany during this time. I knew nobody would ever love me unless I somehow learned to love myself again. Mentally I was in a state of self-destruction.

After 11 days of this strange isolation, I felt ready to return to my home, to my job, and to my life. On my way back, as with all significant moments in my life, I knew I had to mark this occasion somehow. I drove till I found a tattoo artist and explained to him the journey I had been on. I asked if he would be willing to tattoo the words "Love Thyself" on my forearm. He was so touched by the story and that I wanted him to be a part of the journey, that he did the work for free. It was the perfect end to this journey of self-discovery.

For now, my smile had returned, I was able to think of a life post Lori, and I had found a bit of confidence I thought was lost forever. I felt positivity bubbling again.

Almost immediately upon my return, I was contacted by a friend I had made on the set of the short film I had been in just on a few months prior. He was signed up to do a feature film, and had recommended me for one of the lead roles. Soon an audition was set up, and I was cast as Jack, a dark, brooding hitman in the film Slam-Bang.