At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 43

For many years I had been criticized for being a very negative person, and there were those who claimed that as long as I was a miserable person, I would be alone. Sure, they didn't even know a fraction of my story, but at this stage in my life I was more than willing to try being the happy-go-lucky positive person everyone said I should be. And for most of 2012, I really did feel like a changed man, a happier man.

It was never something that came easy to me, but I tried. Boy did I try. For the most part I did really well, but being happy was something I had to wake up every morning and work at being.

Financially, I was okay, but I knew sooner or later my lower salary would catch up to me, and the now additional expense of transport to and from work would play a part. I didn't let this get me down though, at least not yet, and I tried to enjoy my life to its fullest. I tried putting my happiness and me first. It was a strange feeling, one I wasn't entirely comfortable with. I was always happiest when I was making other people happy.

This is probably why I was so excited when I met my colleague, Katerina. She was a dark-haired Italian girl about my age with the type of bubbly personality that you couldn't help but be drawn to. I crushed on her almost immediately.

I knew from the beginning I was never going to be her type, but instead of following my head, I once again let my heart do the thinking...a decision that had clearly worked out for me time and time again in the past, however I was so physically attracted to her, that I couldn't help myself.

From the charming banter, to surprise gifts, I was clearly a man in need of a filter, or maybe for everyone's sake...an off switch. It was too much too soon, and it wasn't long before I made my interests known. Just the thought of kissing her was enough to get my heart racing, and I couldn't help but tell her how I feel.

I was shot down, and a late night instant chat one evening was all I needed to realize I was falling into the same trap that I had stepped into many times over the years. Worst of all, I was in danger of making a very awkward work environment for the two of us. It hurt, and for all the reasons I thought of not giving up, I realized the one reason I had for not pursuing anything further was more than enough. She was becoming a good friend and I valued that too much. Maybe in years to come we may have another chance, but deep inside I knew she would never see me that way.

An awkward few weeks followed, as I became outright moodier and moodier towards her. I battled depression on a daily basis, and often let it get the better of me, transferring that attitude towards her, which she didn't deserve because she was always honest with me; something I wish so many of my other love interests could have been with me from the get go.

We moved past that, and I'm happy to say, she became a good friend, who I saw almost every day.I still like to do nice things for her that nobody else will, not because I am trying to win her heart (although a man can still hope for something more) or impress her into submission, but because now I just like to see my friend smile.

Throughout my life, I've always been better friends with women, until, of course, I make it awkward by wanting to be more, but I've just never been a guy's guy. I get frustrated listening to guy conversations, and never feel like I can contribute much to the discussion. I see the world from a poet's point of view and for that have always just felt lost and alone. I guess it comes with the territory.

About a month after I started at the job, there was another girl who was coming for an interview one evening after work. I happened to be working late that night, and as I walked to open the door, she came out of the lift and walked towards me. As soon as we greeted each other, I knew that Carla and I would become great friends.