At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 47

I read the email again.

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From: Hot Train Girl #2 [mailto: ]

Sent: 06 August 2013 09:17 AM To: Shaun Myburg

Subject: RE: hello

Ok so...

I'm not sure what the rules are here. Am I allowed to talk to you if I see you on the train? No you aren't Am I not allowed to email you? & again No you aren't & I will never get another e-mail from you in my life.

I'm not sure. You should be sure now.

All I know is I've been thinking about this whole thing for the last few days, and I feel I have to say what's on my mind.

If you choose to cut all ties after this email, then I understand and respect that. Thank you please do respect my wishes.

However, in my heart, I just can't let things "end" the way they did. You really should.

I'd like to start with an apology.

Because of what I've been through in my life I tend to speak my mind instantly...I don't know if there is a tomorrow, and I live out loud that way. This has often been my downfall. So for coming on so strong, I apologize. That was unfair on you, and I guess I'm so used to losing people so soon in my life that when someone comes in I panic and try hold onto whatever is there so hard that I end up suffocating them. But some of the things you said to me just touched my heart and soul in way it's always needed, and I allowed myself to act on those feelings, which in retrospect was a mistake. I am a nice person until people f**k with me, & guess what, you really have.

That was never my intention with you. However we can't deny that there was something there between us, a spark, no matter how faint. I am ridiculously bad at "seeing the signs" when someone is interested in me, but with you, I felt it. There were no signs, there was no spark, I am not interested in you. Oh my gosh!!!!!! I was just being polite.

It's such a mean world that we live in, that we tend to close ourselves off to good things, for fear that we are hurt even more. The people around us tell us to believe certain things, or to back away from something, because they don't believe good intentions are still there. I don't claim to know anything about your life, but I can see it in your eyes, that you want to see good in people, but you get scared and shut it down before it gets too far or too real. You should not claim to know anything about me because you do not know me & you never will, I see good in people yes but that's where it ends. I shut things down that are going to cause a problem in my life- i.e. you & your fantasy world.

You said to me that you are a horrible judge of character. Yes yes yes because I should never have spoken to you to begin with. I wanna kill myself for making that mistake.

Well, I hate to say it, but you are right. You are completely wrong about me. And as much as I'd like to prove it to you, heck I even wrote a list of 101 facts about myself, how self- loathing is that? I understand that you need to realize that for yourself. It can't be forced upon you, it needs to come naturally. Make it natural to leave me alone forever please.

Over the last few days, I've thought about how on earth I can possibly go about proving my worth to you. Maybe you're worthy & whatever but not for me, so please don't force yourself on me, actually find someone that feels the same way about you! My worth in the sense that we owe it to ourselves to at least be friends I owe you nothing & will not be your friend. I don't have many friends. Let's take a wild f**ing guess why!, but the few that I do have "get me", and that is so rare that it's like pure gold dust when I come across people who I connect with. Sorry we don't connect, like I said I was being polite.