At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 20

As 2005 came to a close, I was as lonely as I had ever been, but I distracted myself completely with my work. However, it was hard to hide that I was growing more and more frustrated with my personal life. I was going to all these amazing social events, but I was often going alone. The curse of the "plus one" haunted me with each and every empty seat that was next to me. It had become so prevalent in my life, that people couldn't help but notice that I was always alone.

By this stage I was growing so tired of the "enjoy being single while you can", "the one is out there", "don't rush it, it will come when the time is right", "you're a good friend, let's not ruin that" and endless other comments girls would give me every time I showed an interest in them. They always thought they were being nice by rejecting me with words of advice.

What made it even more frustrating was that I was now in an industry where I was meeting new people ALL the time. Surely the law of averages would finally work in my favour?

I was even a pseudo celebrity thanks to my weekly TV show, and I still wasn't able to secure as much as a date with anyone.

It was all beginning to feel a bit pathetic, and my moods began to swing. My life was taking its toll on me, and soon, I began battling depression on a more regular basis. It was something that stemmed out of pure loneliness, and not being able to share my life, my achievements or my journey with anyone. My life was becoming a collection of moments, and the bad still far outweighed the good.

But somehow, I kept trying.

One of the best parts of being in the media, was that the television stations really treated you well, sending you gifts, inviting you to take part on shows and giving you access to anything you wanted, as long as you, in turn, helped promote their show. It was win-win, and that's how the machine ultimately worked.

I had a great relationship with one of the stations in particular, and they invited me to participate in a taping of Fear Factor. Being a big fan of game/reality shows, I jumped at the chance. I had done The Weakest Link a few years earlier, but Fear Factor, along with Survivor, were shows on my bucket list.

When I arrived on the set of Fear Factor, one of the producers recognized me from my Project Fame stint, and stuck around to support me.

There's not much that I fear in life anymore, but if you had to ask me what my top three phobias were, I would probably say heights, insects (en masse) and drowning.

Like kismet, each challenge I would have to face in order to finish Fear Factor revolved around those exact three things.

First up, was a bug eating challenge. It involved having your head encased in a glass box, having a bucket of cockroaches poured over you, and then having to eat what was drawn on a set of three cards. I flipped the cards...

Card 1: a cockroach

Card 2: a chocolate bar

Card 3: a cockroach

Now mentally, that should freak me out, but I was totally in the moment, and ate that first cockroach without even blinking. But the problem with cockroaches is that they dry your mouth so much that you can't produce saliva. And of course, up next was a nougat chocolate bar which requires much chewing, and without saliva it was damn near impossible. I just couldn't get rid of it, but before I knew it, I had another cockroach in my mouth. I decided to swallow everything in one gulp. I progressed to the next round. I felt ill, not from the insects, but rather from the chocolate bar.

Round two involved me being suspended from a car hanging several stories in the air, and having to climb out the door, collect a key hooked at the front of the car, then open the trunk to retrieve a flag which needed to be placed on the dashboard of the car.

The height freaked me out big time, and my body became as heavy as a house of bricks. I managed to complete the task, but not before slipping on the car door, and crotching myself on the open window frame. I had a bruised leg for about a month because of that, but deliberately wore shorts so I could tell people what happened when they noticed my black and blue thigh.

Round three involved being chained up in a tube, armed with a set of keys needed to open a series of six locks before the tube, which was filling up with water, was completely submerged. Now, being a short guy, I didn't have as much time as I'd hoped, and when the first key failed to open any locks, I panicked immediately and quit.

It was an amazing experience, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Plus, I always thought it was a great story to impress women.

And I was meeting all sorts of women. From FHM models, to actresses, to beauty queen constants, I literally knew everyone. I had them on my TV show, I wrote about them in my columns, and I socialized with them.

In retrospect, it was all very fake for the most part, but there were some stories that really meant something to me.

I was assigned a set visit with the cast of a popular local soap called Scandal on one occasion, and was invited by the same people who invited me onto Fear Factor, to visit them on set. Not being a big fan of the show, I went there with my mind somewhat already made up about the actors.

To their credit, they were all an amazing bunch of talents who were amongst the classiest bunch of people I'd ever met. One actress, in particular, caught my attention as I immediately noticed that we had a similar sense of humor. Her name was Zoe, and she was nothing like the ice-cold character she portrayed in the show. We spend the entire afternoon outwitting each other.

A few days later, my editor recommended I take Zoe out to lunch so we could do an interview for the magazine. Zoe eagerly accepted, and I had to remind myself that she wasn't saying yes to a date, but rather to an interview for the magazine. But, I could pretend at least.

We did hit it off, and had a great interview. There was no possibility to try and work in a way to ask her out on a second "date", but thankfully, she asked me if she was going to see me at the FHM Hot 100 party that weekend.

As Heat was the sister magazine for FHM, I was indeed going to see her at the FHM Hot 100 party.

I didn't give a damn about the scantily clad model wannabes who were going to be throwing themselves at my feet just to get in the magazine; all I cared about was seeing Zoe again.

I got my wish, and immediately when she saw me, she came up and gave me a hug. I didn't want her to let go. It was the first genuine hug I had had in a long time. We enjoyed a night of conversation, but that ended up being the last I saw of Zoe.

We occasionally stay in touch, and she is now happily married, but I often find myself looking at a picture of us taken at that party and just smile. Because that's what Zoe made me do - smile.