At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 32

Lori's email was an accident, pure and simple. She had mailed the wrong Shaun, and no matter how much I tried to read more into it, there never was. If only I believed that back then.

It had been about 10 months since I last spoke to her, and this was the last thing I needed. As strong as I thought I was, she was my kryptonite. And far too easily, I typed up a reply to her.

I was friendly, flirty and witty in my reply, almost like I was trying to convince myself nothing had ever happened. Certainly nothing bad that drove me to the point of near insanity.

And just like that, we began chatting to each other again. It was cautious, and felt like it could unravel at any second. It almost did too, when she revealed to me that she was now dating the love of her life. It was the guy she had mentioned in our earliest time together, and even though this news broke me, I tried to play it off as though I was happy for her. But inside...I was reminded of my good luck chuck curse, and how I was simply not good enough to be anyone's first choice.

We chatted regularly over the next few weeks, and while my two closest work colleagues, Ilona and Caroline, tried to warn me against going down that road again, I fooled myself into thinking it was just friendly chat. I kept telling them it was different this time and that I wasn't into her again, the truth was that I was waiting for her, even thought, though she was with this guy, I was going to try win her heart once more.

Again her birthday was approaching, and I couldn't help but think back to a year ago and how I made it her best birthday ever. This time, when I asked her what she had planned for her birthday, she told me that she, and some friends, including her boyfriend were just going to a restaurant for dinner. And then...she invited me to join them. She said her boyfriend wanted to meet me. There were a hundred reasons for me to politely decline, and yet, for whatever idiotic reason, I accepted.

As the night of the dinner arrived, I was sick to my stomach with the mess I had gotten myself into. But I put on a brave face and headed out to the restaurant. It was a freezing cold night and I arrived way too early, so I sat in my car in the parking lot, waiting just long enough to arrive fashionably late.

When I went into the restaurant, I couldn't see her or anyone I might know, so I waited outside for a while. Nobody arrived, so I texted her to say I was there when they were.

About 20 minutes later she phoned me. She said the dinner was cancelled a few days ago, and that she had mailed everyone to tell them. Clearly everyone but me, I just hung up the phone, sat down on the steps of the restaurant and asked myself what the hell was I doing.

The next day she emailed me to apologize. I never responded.

In February of 2009, I did have my final moment of weakness when, for some reason I sent her a small piece of jewelry for Valentine's Day, nothing fancy. She sent it straight back with the driver. It was a dumb and arrogant move on my part, but the day after that, after over 2 years, I shaved off my beard.

I was over Lori.

During the period between those two foolish moments, I convinced myself to try and play the field a bit, if only to increase my odds of finding someone who wanted to spend time with me. As it would turn out though, the more girls I tried to date, the more cruel and unusual rejection I would face. I went full tilt.

There was Tarryn.

I met Tarryn at the MySpace party a few years back, and we only saw each other once after that, as she was nice enough to come to my birthday dinner a year after. But I was always attracted to her exotic features and on this particular occasion, I couldn't find a date for the rock band Live's concert, and posted a message online asking if anyone wanted to join me. Unexpectedly, she volunteered. It was the first time we went out just the two of us. We had a great time together, and she even managed to convince me to come to a club with her after the concert. Thinking I was her date for the evening, and obviously her ride home, I felt I had to stay until she was finished partying so I could do the gentlemanly thing and make sure she got home safely. Or so I thought, she eventually came and told me I can leave when I want, she was going to stay with some friends and get a ride with them. We never saw each other after that. She also eventually deleted me off Facebook as I was "too negative". I guess maybe I was.

There was Lorin.

A petite coloured girl and an old colleague from my Heat days. When I left the magazine, I invited her out a few times. She always canceled, rescheduled or had a reason she couldn't make it. Then, she moved to Barcelona for a few years. Every time she came back to visit SA, she promised we would do coffee. We never did, and before I knew it, she was back in Spain. She eventually came back to SA permanently, and I tried one last time. She stood me up a few hours before our lunch date. I deleted her.

There was Bianca.

Bianca was a former Idols contestant with whom I stayed in touch. She was a beautiful blonde Afrikaans girl, who was normally not the type of girl I would be attracted to, but we got on well on a conversational level, and decided to try going to dinner and movies together to see if there was anything there. We actually had a nice time together on our date, and though she was much younger than me, it was never awkward. I even got a goodnight kiss on this particular night. A few weeks later, I invited her to the Celine Dion concert, where she, being a huge fan, had an amazing time. When I invited her out the week after that, she suddenly said she was seeing her old boyfriend again, and then deleted me off Facebook.

There was Melanie.

Melanie was a tall Indian girl who I had met after the Miss Earth pageant early in 2009, we flirted for a long time online, and since we lived so close to each other, she invited me to her birthday dinner. I went, made a great impression, and hoped that we could hang out again some time. She then told me I was too forward, and it scared her, and would prefer I don't message her again. Ouch!

My confidence and heart was taking a knock with each and every rejection. It was coming in thick and fast. There was also a big misconception that because of all the girls I was showing an interest in, I was just looking for sex all the time. Now, I'm as red blooded as the next guy, but that has never been a dominating factor in my interest in a girl, but I was well aware that I was fast approaching 30, and had yet to have sex with anyone. It was frustrating, but not from the point of sexual frustration, but rather, that I started to feel unwanted, and that the thought of even touching me seemed to disgust people.

Now, I'd like to think I was a decent looking guy, and in some cultures considered attractive, but with my confidence waning, I was beginning to feel as inhuman as a person can get.

I most certainly didn't want my life to end, without knowing what sex was like. I began to feel like the only person on the planet who couldn't "score" someone, and even as a man, I was beginning to feel inadequate.

Everyone had their own theory as to why I couldn't get sex, and everyone had their idea on how to get a girl. Most of them involved either I, or the girl, being drunk. It was at this point that I realized I didn't have anyone who really understood me.

Loneliness comes in all forms, and this was yet another reminder for me...