At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 46

For all intents and purposes, 2012 could be considered a banner year for me. I made a comeback in every sense of the word, but the universe wasn't having any of that, and 2013 would become the year that tried to destroy me.

Financially it was probably my own doing, as between the trip overseas and my December holiday in Cape Town, I was in no position to do all that. I felt the repercussions almost immediately. And January started off as financially strained as ever.

As a result home was tense, and just keeping the electricity on every month was a challenge.

I was at the point where I couldn't even get through 3 weeks of the month on what I was earning. For me, the priorities were simply food, transport and electricity. Having all three in the same month was becoming a luxury. I always ensured that my mom was eating, even if I had to say I grabbed something to eat on my way home, just to make sure she had something that evening.

Some days I had to consider sleeping at the office because I hadn't raised enough money before the last train home left for the day and I was left stranded. Other days I would plan ahead and gather what I could the night before, so I could sell it at the local pawn shop just to make enough money to get to work, or to be able to contribute to a work birthday collection that always seemed to come around at the same time you need to try bring bread home.

Bad luck just seemed to follow me around, and it seemed every day something would go wrong. Whether at home, or with the car I was driving, which sometimes broke down three times in one week, to everyday poor service from banks or debits which resulted in some crazy scenario that left me without money for the month, and even to the ever present criminal activity that one became accustomed to as a South African. It always seems to flow my way first.

I found myself very quickly becoming that "negative" person I was so often labeled as by the naysayers. The more vocal I was about how things were going wrong, the more people condemned me for "perceiving" my life to be bad. It was a no-win situation, and once again I felt depression trying to force its way into my life. There were even those who made it their mission to let everyone know I was bipolar and needed medication. It was a laughable situation, if only I could see the humour in it.

There was a genuine concern about my "fragile" state of mind. I was constantly asked by friends both casual and close if I was planning to do something stupid and that I should talk to someone. Sure, I should have been the most suicidal person on the planet, and if you knew even a little about my life, you'd know I probably have every right to be. But I'm not. I had my one moment of weakness many years ago but I'm not even negative as it's commonly misconceived. I am perhaps the most logical person. I just refuse to see the world with blinkers on. I say and see things as they are. The world I live in just happens to be a very dark, unhappy one. I've lived with suicide and its effects first hand, and on a daily basis I still see the effects. It's not to say I'm not at peace with nature taking its course, however, in fact, I was very much okay with my time being up.

I even prayed every night that I wouldn't wake up every morning and have to suffer through another day. But, since God does not listen to me, I awoke every morning, and did what I do best: survive against the odds. The mere fact that I did that should have shown people how positive I was, but it didn't. It drew an ever-increasing amount of ire and hate against me, as people constantly criticized the way I conducted my life and my refusal to appreciate how good I had it. Heck, how could I not appreciate this brilliant weather South Africa had. A running joke that my friend Justin and I would use whenever something went horribly wrong in our lives.

The greatest of all ironies was that as bad as my life was becoming, I had a sudden an unexpected surge in love interests. So without financial backing, or transport, I tried my best to kick start my love life despite these very obvious shackles.