This is me

The feelings

The affection

: a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something
: feelings of love : a person's romantic feelings

*****
Nv:

One day he asked me...

"Sam, bakit ako?"

Then I answered,

"Actually hindi ko din alam basta nagising nalang ako then I have feelings for you na yaaay!!"

"Eh ikaw, bakit ako?"

"Seryoso Sam hindi ikaw yung ideal girl ko. Pero ewan ko, nahulog ako sayo eh"

Shocks.

*****

I've been thinking things carefully before making a decision. Before ako magbitaw ng mga salita. Baka kasi di ko mapanindigan, makasakit pa ko lalo.

"I like you. I like you but I'm not yet inlove with you"

That's what my mind keeps saying.

I don't want to love you not until it is the right time. Not until I'm sure. Not until I'm sure that we wouldn't just end that fast. That fast as if nothing happened. As if we're just once best of friends but never a boyfriend - girlfriend. I don't want to love you just yet because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that someday, I'll wake up and you're gone. That someday I'll wake up without really accepting that everything was just a beautiful dream.

I want to say I love you too when you always say I love you, but I still can't. Not because I don't love you. But because I don't want to say and do thing so fast that I might miss the little things. I wanted to feel your love 100% but still I'm afraid that I'm not enough.

*****

I adore you for not giving up. For always saying "head's up" whenever you're down or you lose on a certain game. I'm comfortable with you. I feel safe. I'm happy. I enjoy half of my teenage years because of you. You made the last days of classes of mine memorable and worth cherishing.

I like you.

*****
Nv:

"I like you. You like me. Does that mean we're --"

"Agad-agad? Di pwede chill?"

"Ay sorry. Hahaha!"

"It means we're MU"

"Malanding Unggoy. HAHA"

In the end?

We're committed but without any label.

And that's hard.

There's no official "us" because situations aren't with us just yet. Because I want to be his when the right timing and situation comes. That's why I only said that we're "committed but without a label" because in the end we realized that we didn't just like each other. We are more than that stage. We are more than just friends who you can misunderstood as boyfriend and girlfriend. We act like we're in a relationship wherein we really are but only without a label.

And again, it's really hard. Because I don't have any assurance that I'm his and he's mine. We're not officially together and there's a big possibility that he can find another. That he can still choose between me and the new girl.

I hate to imagine things like that but in reality, there's this big possibility that it can happen. And yes, it's his life. His own choices.

Our "us" could just end between the words "ikaw at ako. Walang tayo"

*****

"I love you" him

" **sends a BIG heart** "

"Bat walang I love you too? Di mo ba ko love?" him

"Love kita noh"

"Eh bat walang I love you too? 😔" him

"Love you too!!!"

"Love you more...Love you mooost!!!" him

Daya!!!

"Wah talo ako. Okay lang, ang mahalaga mahal mo ko at mahal kita"

"Nuks!"

I said "I love you too" not because I want you to stop asking me to answer you back. But because I'm sure. But because I love you that much to not be able to say it proudly to you. But because I'm afraid of losing you.

One real reason is that I can now feel the feeling of being loved by an unexpected person. I then love you for a reason of making me happy. Your presence is enough. Your voice that I'm always longing.

The idea of God creating you is one of those things that I'm thankful for. I know He let us bump into each other with a purpose.

*****

I believe in the plans of the Lord...