This is me

You or Them?

The A and B

What if ikaw yung choice ko?

What if I choose them?

What if I choose the both of them?

What if I won't choose between the two of them?

What if I didn't risk things?

What if things won't work out?

What if he choose me now but won't choose me after?

What if he leaves me?

What if I lose him?

What if I'm not good enough for him?

What if one day he realized that his love is not strong enough to fight for our love?

What if he meets another girl better than me?

What if he doesn't really deserve me?

What if.

What if he didn't really love me?

*****

It's hard to choose when both of them is your treasure. It's hard to choose when both of them puts a big mark in your heart. It's hard to choose when you're choosing between those people who let's you feel that you are unique. Who let's you feel that you're welcome in them. Who let's you feel that you're loved.

It's so hard to choose.

It's so hard to choose lalo na kung tatanungin kang...

"Sam, kung sakali, sino pipiliin mo sa dalawa?"

Of course I wanted to choose my friends.

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But I badly wanted to choose you too.

Can't I just choose the both of you? Can't I just choose the both of you and then be happy?

I can't, right?

No.

I can.

But its not yet the right time.

It's not yet the right time to choose. It's not yet the time to decide things. It's not yet the right time to love and accept both.

*****

You or Them.

THEM.

Them, who is there to guide me in my own ways. My own decisions.

Them, who makes me laugh and just be me.

Them, who insults me in a joking way.

Them, who rides along with my jokes.

Them, who are K-POP and K-Drama addicts like me.

Them, who can understand what I feel. Sometimes.

Them, who welcomes me wholeheartedly.

YOU

You who be friends with me no matter what flaws I have.

You who treated me differently with other people.

You who treated the real me true.

You who makes me happy.

You who I am longing for.

You who I dreamed of having my first times.

You who gives up things for me.

You who isn't afraid to take risk.

You who is hurting but still choses what's best.

You who prioritizes my happiness before yours.

You who chooses me.

And also YOU who left a big mark in my heart.

*****

Complicated? 

Why?

What's with my friends that they are oppose to me having a relationship with him?

Want to know the reason?

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It's because my bruh is the 'ex' of one of my friend.

They got mad at me for not telling them earlier that we had a thing going on. That I should have told them earlier before pa nila malaman sa iba. They "got hurt" because I broke their trust for a reason that I didn't tell them earlier.

Ok, so how in the world should I tell them if every time I tried to, they'll act as if I'm a no one. Like I don't exist. Every time I tried to, they always looked at me with those eyes ready to kill me.

Why are you so mad and called me hurtful and very offensive names when you didn't even know the real story. I thought that you guys knew me... But then I'm wrong. Kung sino pa yung kaibigan ko, yun din pala yung unang unang tao huhusgahan ako. I kept thinking why'd you said those words. I kept asking myself if ever I took him away from the 'ex'? But still 'ex' na nga siya eh. Or maybe may gusto yung isa sainyo sakanya? But I know hindi din. So why?! 

I wanted to get mad because I got hurt so much, but still I stayed low and understand you guys.

Maybe kasi diba nadala lang kayo sa galit kaya niyo nasabi yun. Baka di niyo lang talaga kinaya. Nagulat kayo ganern. And I'm regretting it from the start on why didn't I take the risk to talk to you guys. And on that part, yes I admit that I'm the one who's wrong. I should have done everything I can to explain myself.

*****

Nagmahal lang naman ako. Di ko rin naman inaasahang magmamahal pala ako, diba? Di naman kasi mapipigilan yun...

P.s

Not saying or typing those to humiliate them. I just expressed what I feel. I love them so much to hurt them even though they have hurt me too.