This is me

It pains me...

The Bipolar

I'm crying while laughing. HAHAHA

"You don't deserve me"

Awts!!!

Of all those things he had said, those words literally stucked in my head because it hurts. Yes nasaktan ako sa words na yan HAHA

Eh kasi naman, like halur, sasabihin niya sayo yun? Layk yung taong mahal mo?

And he always says those words when he feels that the situation isn't right. That we had to stop everything. That he doesn't want anyone to fully loved each other to avoid being hurt too much.

He keeps on saying that he deserves me and he knows that for sure.

But everytime he says that, laging may kasunod na

"But you don't deserve me. You don't deserve a guy like me. Ang gulo gulo ko pa, Sam."

Out of all those mahabang messages na sinesend niya sakin everytime we had to cut everything off, hindi ako naiiyak or nasasaktan or whatsoever, tanging sa isang phrase lang ako talaga naiyak and I don't know why I cried HAHA

"You don't deserve me"

Kaines lang diba HAHA

Ok ang paulit ulit na ng "You don't deserve me" line. Eh kasi naman, it's mashaket. Charet HAHAHA

Everytime na sinasabi niya yan iisa lang lagi kong sinasabi na parang advice na rin in case makahanap siya ng iba

"Huwag na huwag mong sasabihin sa isang babae na hindi mo sila deserve kasi sobrang sakit samin yun, Bruh. Ako nga nasaktan eh, pano pa kaya yung iba, diba?"

Eh totoo din naman kase. Sa ating mga gurlaloo, we're somehow thinking that we deserve the guy na ibinigay saatin ni Lord. That we deserve the love they can give. Except na ngalang kung tayo na yung nagsabi na di tayo deserve ng pagmamahal na binibigay na koya. Pero either ways, sino man magsabi sa dalawa ng words na yun, masakit parin yun. Kasi malay mo someday kayo pala talaga pero sinabi mo yun before then one time after ilang years nagkita ulit kayo? Ang masakit niyan pag sinabi niya sayong

"Thank you for letting me go. At least nakahanap ako ng taong talagang deserve ma-receive yung pagmamahal na ibibigay ko at hindi itataboy"

*****

I wanted to say sorry to my seatmate. Biri biri mats HAHA

Shoutout sa seatmate ko. Sorry na Vans huhu. Alam kong muka na kong baliw everyday. Sorry kung napapalo kita out of the blue pag bigla siyang nag aappear sa nakakaloka kong memory of the past. Charot.

Eh kasi naman, alam mo yun. Pag fresh from "break up" ka palang na hindi clear kung ano ba talaga label niyo, impossible talagang maka move on agad. Minsan mapapaisip ka nalang na

"Pano kaya pag di ko o namin ginawa to in the first place?"

"Pano kaya kung walang issue na kumalat hanggang sa naging totoo?"

"Pano kaya kung ganto ganiyan..."

*****

After 5 months of officially not together, eto ako mukang tanga na naman. I thought I was okay. I thought na moved on na ko ng bongga. But in every angle of it, hindi parin eh. Ineexcuse ko nalang lagi kay Vans nun na hindi kasi ako madaling makalimot ng mga bagay-bagay which is totoo naman, kaya hirap ako maka- move on. Then one time I was busy editing one of these chapters when I saw that one phrase that made me remember on why did I ever said that to him

"But then I'm asking myself, am I not enough to be at your side?"

Right then and there, I started to regret things. Ay no. I started to regret that moment when I said that to him. Nakakahiya. Layk. Why would I said that to him. Ano, siguro masyado lang ako nadala sa closure nung night na nag usap ulit kami...?

Bakit, Sam.

BAKIT???!!!

Then I shared that to Vans and he only said three words...

"Nasasaktan ka, Sam"

And in that moment natigilan ako and for a little while I answered him

"I don't know. Di ko kasi alam yung feeling nang masaktan"

And that's true. Normally kasi pag nasasaktan ako, it's either, I'll just laugh it all off even though I'm crying inside. Or just be the usual optimistic and very positive gurl who is always smiling and not talk about her worries.

Ayoko kasing makita nila akong mahina. But at the same time, gusto mong may magtanong sayo kung okay ka lang then sasabihin mong hindi.

I asked my friend in front kung paano ba masaktan, and his answer shocked me a little

"Pag masaya ka"

"So masaya ako ngayon, means nasasaktan ako?"

"Possible. Sa nakikita ko kasi sayo ngayon, oo eh!"

*****
"I wouldn't be like this if I didn't love you in a wrong way. I loved you more that you loved me"