This is me

I LOVE YOU AND I HATE YOU

I STILL LOVE YOU AND I HATED IT.

You are the FIRST.

The FIRST guy who annoys me.

The FIRST guy who I wanted to kill back then.

The FIRST guy who looks like not into studies but is very smart.

The FIRST guy who is smart and yet lazy.

The FIRST guy who always asks for my help with matching pa-cute face.

The FIRST guy who approached me that way.

The FIRST guy who I became close "that way".

The FIRST guy who always pinch my cheeks.

The FIRST guy who always wants to show off that I'm small and yet I am.

The FIRST guy who I had involved in an "issue" with.

The FIRST guy that confronted me.

The FIRST guy that chooses me.

The FIRST guy who I wanted to be with.

The FIRST guy who I can call mine.

The FIRST guy who leaves a mark that says "First love never dies"

But then.

But then you're gone.

But then I thought it's you.

But then I ask myself, am I not enough to be at your side?

But then I'm still assuming.

But then I'm still expecting.

But then I wanted to feel your warmth.

But then, my eyes are always looking for you.

But then I felt empty.

But then I wanted to run into you.

But then when I see you, I always wanted to hug you.

But then you're gone.

But because of that.

But because of that I became strong.

Because of that, I matured.

Because of that I changed.

Because of that, I realized that I really love you.

Because of that, I realize that if we're meant for each other, someday we'll have our own time together.

Because of that I decided to be happy and contented without you.

Because of that I started to move on and let go.

Because of you, my life has changed.

I missed you so much. Even though we always see each other. You're so near yet so far. You won't say any word to me but is always leaving me thinking if you're okay. You always do those things that you always do to me before. You pinch me. Pat my head. Looked at me. But still without any word of confrontment. I'm waiting for you to say something because if ever you wanted to bring us back together, these doors in my heart is always open and ready to welcome you. Again. You said before that I shouldn't wait anymore. That I should move on and let go even if it hurts you so bad. You've mustered up all your courage to tell me that you've decided to stop and let go for me to stop and let go too even though it hurts you real bad. I respected that and be happy, especially for you.

You made me proud that day because you've been able to decide, make decisions by yourself. Others are asking me why. Why would you have to let me go while you fix yourself? They say that I might be a big help to you. But then I stood by your side and said that you needed it. If we're meant to be then it will be. If not, then we'll just be happy and contented to where we are right now.

I loved you so much and it hurts me knowing that I attached myself to your morning greetings, your cute nagging about my outfit, you being mad and all if I haven't eaten any food yet or even not drinking medicine when I had cough or just a little sneeze. Everytime we fight over our scores who wins in making "pakilig" of each other and yet you being so competitive to win my kiss, you did all your best, cut me off everytime I speak just to push your pick up line. And you are leading then, not until it's all done. Those days when you wanted me to go to your place, basketball court actually, to see you play and win over the other team. But then I couldn't that's why I only cheered you from afar and always wishing you the best and let's you believed that you can do it. That win or lose doesn't matter as long as you love what you're doing and always saying "heads up" when you lose. You always say that you'll win it for me. But the funny thing is that, when we're still together your team loses. But after we broke up, your team won 2nd runner up. I greeted you congratulations and then you said that it was for me. I didn't take what you said seriously and just be happy because you're happy.

Summer passed and I know to myself that I'm ok. That I've already moved on. But then I saw you. I saw you in school and you approached me by pinching my cheeks and walked away. Patting my head like it's nothing. I get nervous and all when I see you. When I always pass by your classroom. Whenever I saw your friends during breaks because any minute you'll be there to join them. Everytime I always sit and look up and saw you sitting too facing me. That's why I always looked down.

In there I realized that I still have feelings for you. Screw that first love never dies thing. Screw it up all I can but I can't. I still love you and I hated it.

******

Sabi nga ni Jollibee, "There's a perfect time to find your perfect pair"