This is me

Almost.

Almost - I didn't.

"I almost committed suicide"

"I almost let those blood stain all over the floor"

"I almost wanted to die knowing that I'm a member of a community of Christ"

"I almost run away from home"

"I almost wanted to die from crying"

"I almost wanted to sleep and not wake up forever"

*****

Yes. I Almost.

But then, I didn't.

Why?

Because of these questions that the Lord had asked me.

(G means God for me hihi!)

*May 6, 2017 - Youth Camp 2017 (I'm the Team Head)*

"Pano ko ba naramdaman yng pagmamahal ni G sakin?

Simple lang. Sa tuwing ginigising niya ko sa umaga. Sa tuwing pagmulat ng mga mata ko yung matingkad na araw ang unang nagpapaganda ng umaga ko. 

Sino ba si G para sakin?

Lahat. Siya yung lahat ko. Tatay, nanay, kapatid, beshy, teacher, doctor. Lahat. 

Pero kung siya ang lahat ko na wala na kong hahanapin pa....

Why did I ever think of committing suicide?

I wanted to commit suicide. I wanted to commit suicide kasi nag doubt ako kay God. I wanted to take away my life kasi ang bigat bigat na. Diba, coming from a repsected, well-known, model family, nagawa ko yun? Nag doubt ako kaya nandilim ako at kinuha ko yung gunting sa tabi ko nung time na yun. 

But Praise God kasi nung time na yun may nag chat sakin. 

"Kaya mo yan Sam. Makakabawi ka. Galing galing mo eh. Alam kong kaya mong umangat. Martin ata yan!" 

And in that moment I knew that that is God who had spoken to me. It is my closest guy friend whom God used to wake me up from that nightmare.

As a YFC that is serving God for three years, of course hindi naging madali. Ako, yung family ko, yung Martin. It is known to many as "A family of leader". Kilala ang pamilya ko bilang isang modelo sa ibang pamilya. At dun ko naramdaman kung gaano kasarap ang magserve kay God. Hindi dahil anak ako ng leader o ang mga kapatid ko at ako ay leader.  

Actually yun yung nagtulak pa sakin na magserve kay God,gusto ko mag serve sa YFC hindi dahil anak ako ng leader at kailangan kong mag serve. Nag camp ako, nag serve ako beacuse that's what I wanted to do. Yun yung gusto ko. Ako at a young age, still I am praying that I can send many people who is ready to love and serve the Lord with all their heart.

Kanina I mentioned that I wanted and almost did commit suicide. And in that moment nag grow ako.

Hindi man physically HAHA!

But I grew Emotionally and Spiritually with God through YFC. I grew with the Holy Spirit that God had sent me. I am now a strong and courageous daughter of God with the Holy spirit growing within me."

*****

I almost take away my life because of an ultimate pressure (only for me tho) 

"Of all my children, Sam is the smartest and the most responsible!"

"Anak, I want your name to be called as one of the top ten in class in your coming moving up (graduation going to senior high school) next year (March 2018)"

"Anak, you have to do your best especially to your grades, you'll soon going to take your entrance exam in a university"

"From 93 to 73 in Math"

"What happened?"

"Fix yourself!"

"I'm very disappointed in you!"

And so am I. 

I am also very disappointed in myself that I even think of committing suicide.

*****

Everyday I'm always laughing and be happy all day on the outside. But inside, I'm crying.

Every night I'm crying and asking for help. 

Everyday, when I'm just all alone, my mind would always reflect on what am I really doing with life. My mind will let me remember all those painful memories, embarrassments, disappointments and situations in which I would behave like the opposite me.

*****

Sometimes I don't feel being me. Or if I am literally me. Or if this soul is lost and just finds any body she can see to get into it and act like that is her.

One of my motto in life is just to be me.

But I, myself can't even feel or realize that I'm being me.

That I'm just a lost little girl in the woods, finding a way back home.

*****

Maybe I'm just tired. I know I can get through it. I know it. It's just not the right time"