This is me

If ever...

I choose to..

**

~6:30 am..~

"Nay..

Bakit ka ulit pinapili?

Nay..

Bakit ka niya ulit binitawan?

Nay..

Hanggang ngayon ba ganon parin nararamdaman mo?

Nay..

Gusto ko siya para sayo..

Nay..

Kung bibigyan ulit kayo ng pagkakataon.. Pwede bang maging kayo ulit?

Nay..

Ramdam kong meron pa.. Pero sa isang banda depende nalang..

Nay..

Napapansin ko sa tuwing kakausapin mo si L*** at aalis ka susulyap siya sayo..

Nay..

Nakita ko siyang tumingin one time sayo nung may kinausap ka sa section namin..

Nay..

Tinignan ka niya..

Nay..

Hindi na ba pwede?

Nay..

Wala na ba talaga?

Nay..

Ikaw at siya ay hindi tao dahil BAGAY kayo..

Nay..

Alam kong wala akong karapatan mag salita..

Pero..

Nay..

I saw the both of you having a good relationship..

Nay..

Yun ang nararamdaman ko para sainyo..

Sana Nay..

Dumating na yung oras na lalapit siya sayo the way you did."

**

Yan ang bungad sakin ng close friend ko na tawag sakin ay "nay" kahit mas matanda siya ng ilang buwan. Mas matured kase ako HAHA

And early in the morning this is what I answered

*

"A classmate of mine said "kung magmomove on ka na at bibitawan na siya, wag mo isasara ang pintuan ng tuluyan sakanya.

And I did.

He left a big mark here in my heart.

Like I said everyday sainyo last year, everyone deserve a chance. A second chance kung kelangan nila.

One time tinanong ako ni M gurl kung sakali daw ba sino pipiliin ko.

In my mind, I clearly choose them.

But in my heart?

It's him.

Pero wala eh.

Ganun talaga yun

May magmamahal.

May masasaktan.

Katulad nga nung sabi mo diba

Baka lumapit ulit yung tao sakin katulad nung ginawa ko. Noon.

Things might happen the way it should be

But at least you get to learn something new everyday."

**

I woke up 6:30 in the morning and I don't really know the reason why at that time.

While reading those sunod sunod na messages I suddenly remember why I woke up 6:30 in the morning.

I remembered him.

He used to message me at 6:00 or 6:30 in the morning to say that he'll just going to play basketball. That after I got up from bed I should eat some breakfast.

I remembered his good morning messages. It's short yet sweet. In every moment at that time, I feel special. I felt that I'm part of his priorities back then that he'll make time to message me and say that he's tired. That he's hungry. That he's mad because of these and that. That he misses me. That he's happy because he loves me and I love him. So much.

I missed him. Again.

I thank that friend of mine when he messaged me that early in the morning. It's a sincere thank you by the way.

The way how he attacked me with those messages leaves me hanging like I'm wounded. That I'm still assuming that we'll turn out to be okay again. Again, I'm sincere with the thank you.

***

Nay..

Tinignan ka niya..

Nay..

Hindi na ba pwede?

Nay..

Wala na ba talaga?

*
"Hindi na ba pwede? Wala na ba talaga?"

Meron. Pwede pa. Pero parang di na muna dapat. Baka nga di na talaga dapat.

*

"Tinignan ka niya" yes, I know. Tinignan niya ko and it also happened to be that I'm also looking at him. Nagtama ang mga mata namin but I didn't smile. He didn't smile. We just looked into each other in a second then walked passed through to each other. And it always happen after our "closure" is done.

We we're so happy when we get to talk to each other again. Say "Hi bruh!" when we see each other at the hallway. Smiling at each other and patting my head when we walked passed by each other.

But every beginning has its end.

One day before we know it, we're just walking passed by each other again but without "Hi bruh!". No interactions. None. It ended in there. It ended just like that.

"Sam, tinignan ka niya ulit"

I know. But sometimes you just want to go after him and say

"Ano hanggang tingin nalang tayo dito?"

But I can't. I can't because I'm afraid that he'll think different from me. That maybe I'm not the same Sam he knew before. And I'm afraid na magmuka akong naghahabol.

There's many questions popping inside my head that I've been willing to ask him. But I can't. And I don't want. I'm afraid as to what his answers are.

I'm not afraid when I'm watching horror movies. Or walking alone in the streets at night. Or put me at the highest floor of the building then look down at a glass floor, I'm not afraid. It's exciting actually. But here I am, afraid of what could happen if I ask those questions. Actually, I only have three questions to ask him

"Do you still like her?"

"Did you really love me?"

"Or, am I just a rebound?"

Simple questions yet hard to ask. Simple questions and yet pag kaharap mo na siya hindi mo na matanong. Simple questions but in the end you'll just ask

"How are you?"

Bull.

*****

"How are you?...If ever you wanted to ask me... I'm not fine, thank you"