This is me

Bye?

I, SYRM, an optimistic girl. A strong girl. A person whom you can be proud of. A person you would wish to be with. A person who is always happy. A person who can cheer you up when you're down. A person who'll always be there to support you and will never leave you. A person who can be your tissue whenever you're crying. You're diarty to tell you're storiaes. Your pillow that you can hug all day. A person who will never ever break your trust.

I, SYRM, is a aslo a loser. A downer. A negative girl. A girl who'll make you cry. A girl who always cry at night. A girl you can be angry with. A second choice. The option. A failure. A dead end. A naive girl. A weak girl. A rebel. A girl who wants to take away her own life. A girl who is tired of being the good girl. A girl who is being abused because of kindness. A person full of doubts. A person who might end up breaking your trust.

I, SYRM, has two personalities. Two personalities that is very hard to deal with. That even the owner of that body is having problems. A girl who can't sleep at night for mental issues. For her, she thinks she's useless. For her she thinks she's nothing but a worse human being ever created. For her she feels like she's not worth loving. Not worth trusting. Not worth leaning on. Not worth it as a person. Samantha who is having a hard time dealing with his mental issues that makes her cry everyday, everynight. Samantha who is a cute lovely girl with a jolly personality but is dealing with something that pains her the most. Samantha who is always smiling but is broken and crying inside. Always. Samantha who always tries to give a full positive energy but on the inside she's full of negativity. Samantha who always thinks that she's nothing but a worthless person. Samantha who always asks why she was even born. Samantha who is born a Catholic and is a member of a Youth for Christ Community, that always thinks of committing suicide.
Samantha who is a famewhore. A slut. A snake. An idiot. An irresponsible person. A lazy person who only do was to use gadgets and watch tv.

Samantha who is a good girl. A responsible girl. Samantha who is a top student. Who is best in a certain subject. An athletic girl who wins medals. An outstanding student. An independent person. A reliable one.

But I'm still useless and wanting to die.

Everyday I'm thanking God for giving me a life and that's the greatest blessing He could ever give me and I'm thankful. I'm thankful but still I'm a sinner. I get sinned everytime I always say that I wanted to end my life because I'm useless.

Ever since I was little, I kept on asking myself the same question, "Back in the year 1995, if my sister's twin would have been alive, would I still be given a life with my present family in the year 2001?" I don't want to doubt Our Creator or to question Him as to why have He created me in the first place because I know that He has a reason and that I have a purpose as to why my mother gave birth to me in the year 2001. But you know that feeling when that question will suddenly just pop right in your mind and your whole existence will just blow up because you keep on trying to stop yourself from being that destructable one.

I get jealous at people who has freedom. Freedom to be themselves. While me, I'm being restricted by something or someone.

I fell in love.

I fell in love to a boy who is unlikely me. A boy who is free. Who always live his life as if it was his last. A boy that smiles as if it was the happiest day of his life. A boy who is very comfortable to be with. A boy whom you can be yourself. A boy who introduce you to the word "freedom". Who opens you to a world you haven't gone. A boy who let's me escape from a nightmare and brings me to a dream where you can see that I'm happy and free. That I'm just this simple little girl longing for freedom and love.

One time he told me that I'm unique and that I'm the kind of girl you wouldn't want to get hurt. That I am worth loving. Worth caring. Worth prioritizing.

He makes me his priority. He would assist on going home with me than staying with some friends and have fun (galaaaa). I get touched by his actions but I also feel like it's unfair. It's unfair for his part for in the first place, who am I? Who am I to him for him to do those things? I'm just his neighbor. His classmate. His friend. I felt like I was the one stopping him from having fun because I needed to go home alone. And I hated myself that I'm actually relying myself on him. I hate the feeling of being a burden to someone who has nothing to do with me in the first place. And that's a bummer 😕

I've always wanted to have that feeling of being someone's priority. Parang nagiging babae ka kasi pag ganun. Yung babaeng babae ka talaga na kung paano ka dapat itreat as a person, as a girl. Parang paimportante ka ganooon HAHA. And somehow, I've felt. From you.

I, once again, fell in love to someone who wouldn't be mine.

*****

Hindi ikaw.
By Samantha Martin

"Hindi ikaw.
Hindi ikaw.
Hindi ikaw."

Ilang ulit.
Ilang pilit.
Nakakapagod na
Pwede bang tigilan na?

"Hindi ikaw."
Bakit kasi pag nagmahal ako ang babaw?
"Pigilan mo"
Oo, kaya ko.
Pero minahal na kita.
Ang sakit makitang nakangiti ka sa iba.

"Tigilan mo na.
Hindi nga kasi ikaw, ano ba?"

Sabi nila
"Ikaw na. Ikaw na. Ikaw na"
Pero sabi ng puso't isipan ko'y
"Hindi ikaw. Hindi ikaw. Hindi ikaw"

Umasa ka kasi.
Umasa ka at ngayo'y nagsisisi.
Nagsisi akong nagpahulog sayo.
Alam ko namang hindi ako ang iyong masasalo.

Nahulog ako
Pero ang saya lang kasi hindi naman ako ang sasaluhin mo.
"Alam mo namang ganun lang yun sa iba"
Bakit ka padin nagpadala?

Umamin ka sakin.
Napaisip ako na "sana ika'y maging akin"
Tila nagliwanag ang aking puso
Ng sinabi mong ako ang iyong gusto.

Pero noon yun.

Makalipas ang isang linggo
Ang lahat ay parang nagbago.
Di parin pala ako.
Kaya bakit umasa na naman ako?

Nag usap kayong muli
Heto ako at nag iiba na ang ugali.
Liwanag sa aking mukha
Ngayo'y mapupuno na ng mga luha.

Gusto kita.
Mahal kita.
Mas gusto mo siya.
Mas mahal mo siya.

**

Don't fabricate or plagiarized my work peeps. Akin yan. HAHAHA