First Love

Back Stories and Apologies

I cannot believe I already wrote this, I feel like I just updated. Anyway, I know about how I want this story to go from here and it will probably only take about two or three more chapters to get there, then this story will be done sadly. I absolutely love writing it, and I hope that you all love reading it. If you do, I hope you comment/vote/share this story with other people you think would enjoy it. Thanks for reading!
-------
***Castiel POV***

Dear Castiel,
        There's a lot that you do not know about me and my past. I feel like a fool for doing this to you, putting you through this. If I had just been honest from the beginning none of this would have happened. But better late than never, I guess. Alright, here it goes;

I take in a deep breath as I get the courage to continue on reading. I move over to my bed and lay down in the softness of the sheets. I take Dean's sweatshirt that I'm wearing and hold the hood to my nose to breath in his cologne. He told me once that it was Moonlight Musk or something like that, but I think it smells like cherry blossoms. I looked back at his letter as I pictured him in my mind. I continued to read.

When I was 11, I fell into the wrong crowd. It was some older boys, around 16, and they recruited me and my friend Justin to hang out with them. They gave us drugs, alcohol and they gave us anything else we asked for as long as we did whatever they wanted us to do. I got addicted to cigarettes and marijuana within the first few months of hanging out with them. My parents caught me smoking one night and immediately sent me to rehab for teens across the state. I sobered up and I wanted to get my life back on track but as soon as I got back, I ran into Justin. He was looking sick and smelled even worse, but he had what I was craving for months, cigarettes. I took his pack and hid them in my bedroom, swearing to only smoke on a week. But soon that turned into one a day and I was out within two weeks. I was desperate, just itching for another one and I knew no one in their right mind would sell them to me, so I went crawling back. They welcomed me back with open arms, they immediately gave me cigarettes but this time they came with a cost. I had to become a member of the gang and do whatever is said, or else I would be kicked to the curb. I agreed and they gave me the official brand of the gang, I have their sign permanently etched into my skin from a hot poker right under my left collar bone. For a few weeks everything was as it was before until one of the older boys, Rob, asked me to help him get some more cigarettes. I said yes, but I didn't think that it would include breaking into a gas station and robbing it. About three minutes after we had picked the lock and got in, the police were there arresting us both. I was hauled off to JUVY for my first time at 11, I had never been more ashamed. I was sentenced to ten months behind bars and 30 hours community service. When I was released, I went crawling right back to the gang, who promoted me on the spot. I had earned my way towards the top, I was 13 and was best friends with the leader of a gang. Later that same year, a party I was at got busted for underage drinking and I was thrown in JUVY, but they only gave me 6 months but because of good behavior, I only served for 3 . Once I was out, the guys decided it was time for me to do my first drug deal. It was a big thing in the gang, but they trusted me enough, or so I thought. They got a tip that the client was an undercover cop and I was the bait. It was a cop and I got thrown back in JUVY for possession, this time I did six months and two years parole. I cleaned up my act once I was out and on parole. I was good, no one bothered me, I got close with Sam, I really had pulled my shit together. Then, I got a bombshell, my grandpa died. I was really close with him when I was little and I had started to reconnect with him and by this time, I was off of parole and I was wanting to take the pain away. I went back to the streets and Justin saw me one day and he took me back to the gang, that he now runs. I gladly accepted everything they handed me from cigarettes to marijuana to cocaine. I just wanted the pain gone. I started to slip into a deep depression and I had just turned 16. I began to skip school, spend all my free time with Justin and spent less and less time at home with my family. Then one night, my parents told me that they knew about the drugs and I freaked, they wanted to send me back to rehab. I ran upstairs and lit a cigarette, but I threw it on the ground when Sam came into the room. We went downstairs and was watching a movie when the fire alarms went off, we got outside but I climbed back up to my parents room from a ladder and watched my dad die in front of me from smoke inhalation. I didn't even see my mother anywhere but I was rushed to the hospital and later saw on the news that a cigarette caused the fire. I caused it. My cigarette caused it. I killed my parents. That was enough guilt to make me quit all together. Bobby took guardianship of us and I convinced him to let us live on our own and he said as long as I did not mess up we could. So I didn't mess up its been only a year, but I didn't mess up. I'm glad I'm living with Bobby now though, it was hard raising Sam. When Crowley said that about my parents, I snapped. I live with that guilt in my mind every single damn day. I want to go back and fix it, but I can't. It's not possible, so I have to face everyday head on. I'm so sorry I did not tell you sooner, Castiel. You deserved to know before I fell in love with you. I love you, Castiel. Please don't hate me.
                                              With love,
                                                      Dean