fire and rain // forheadedrose

58. Therapy

D E J A

"So she sleeps through the whole night?" Cahill asked about our baby daughter, I sat with my legs crossed in the middle of the couch.

"Yeah, she does. But that doesn't mean I do. I wake up crying or sweating or sometimes screaming." I spoke anxiously.

"What do you dream about?" "I dream about being kidnapped by the cartel for over a month, about the shooting in our station, and about my best friend taking her last breath when I wasn't there to hold her hand and talk her through it." I spoke wiping a tear away quickly.

"I am falling apart." I spoke softly.

Cahill gave me one of those sympathetic looks as she lightly leaned forward.

"I am being held together with tape and glue. And he's just so perfect.. But for the past few weeks he just has been so reckless and crazy.. He's so sweet and caring and selfless and I'm so broken and dependent on him. Sometimes I wish he was being held together with tape and glue so he would get what I'm feeling. ." I confessed since this was a safe place.

"How do you know he isn't being held together with tape and glue, too?" She asked and I looked up at her.

Her point sticking with me, "Have you asked how he is?" She asked and I looked at her, all sorts of guilt washing over me for not even thinking about that.

--

M A R T I N

"I'm fine. I just want her to be okay, you know? I'm really fine. The only thing that hurts is seeing her hurt everyday, every night." I explained as I sat in Cahill's office, on the comfy couch.

"You're not okay." Cahill said and I slightly tilted my head as I looked at her as she tilted her head.

"I think I can determine if I'm alright or not." I said with a plastered smile.

"Actually, that's my job." Cahill smiled.

"Do you know anything about her ex-husband?" I asked leaning forward, my elbows resting on my knees.

"I met him a few times. Seemed like a decent guy." She lightly shrugged.

I sighed because I wanted real dirt on him, "What's your professional, psychological opinion on this guy?" I asked because little did Deja know, I was being partnered with him for a case with his department.

"He's very put together. He's never had any kind of psychological damage or any inappropriate impulses like jumping off a building or going into an armed robbery." She smirked and I lightly chuckled.

"Other than breaking Deja into two, he seems pretty sound to me." She assured me and I thanked her for the session before leaving her office.

All the glass was replaced in the month since the shooting.

"Hey mama," I greeted Deja, kissing the top of her head, "Are you ready to run?" I asked and she looked up at me, a small smile on her lips.

She stood from her desk she gently held my arm as we walked out of the office, passing by a few familiar faces.

Our drive was quiet, until we got to this small restaurant that we've come to more and more frequently.

We were seated and we gave our orders to the waitress before Deja sighed loudly.

"So how was last night?" She asked and I huffed lightly, "I knew this would come up." I said leaning back into my chair.

"What? I'm asking how you enjoyed your night in jail." She said crossing her arms over her chest.

"It was surprisingly pleasant." I smirked and she scoffed.

"You are unbelievable. Let's drop it." She spoke quietly.

"No, lets talk about you leaving me in jail after getting arrested for "reckless endangerment"." I used quotation marks because I wasn't endangering anyone.

She glared at me before standing from the table and leaving the restaurant in a speed walk.

I breathed deeply before following her outside, "Deja-" "Just leave it alone, Martin. It was one night in jail." She turned quickly as we stood in the parking lot.

"You drive too fast, just forget it." She sniffled but she wouldn't show any sadness, "I don't want to talk about that. Don't worry about that." I assured her as I lightly held her shoulders, I wanted to talk about what was eating her.

"Don't worry about it? All I do is worry all the time." She spoke loudly as she pushed my arms off her shoulders, "I spend every minute of everyday worrying that I'm gonna get a phone call that you wrapped your car around a pole." She spoke, breathing heavily.

"That's why I left you in jail, so that just for a little while, I would know that you weren't dying like you were dying on that couch." She spoke with tears streaking her rosy cheeks.

"That's what I think about every time you pull out of the driveway." She finished, wiping under her eyes.

"I'm right here. I'm okay." I assured her.

"Are you? Because you don't seem okay. I know I'm supposed to be the damaged one, the one who has mental breakdowns and problems every other freaking day," She paused with her eyes closed, "But I know when you're hurting. I know you, Martin. You drive cars at 112 miles per hour a-and tell everyone you're fine, just happy to be alive, but you're not sure. You're not sure if you're happy to be alive with so many bad things, so many bad people in this world."

"I am falling apart, Martin. I'm unraveling and you're not making my life an easier. We have a kid. We're married. We should be making each other's lives easier."

"I know, I know. Maybe I'm not totally fine.. Why didn't you tell me how you felt instead of us barely talking?" I asked breathlessly.

"I'm scared I'm going to make you want to run away, and if you did, I'd be paralyzed with incredible fear. I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, let alone take care of our child by myself--" "Hey, hey." I said grabbing her hands, "I'm not going anywhere." I promised her and she inhaled sharply before she hugged me tightly, sobbing.

a/n I made the manip and I'm proud of it 😋