Beautiful Disaster (Dem and Hope)

Chapter 16 (Cut)

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 16

Cut

Hope

Three months. Three very long and lonely moths. That's how long he's been gone. That's how long I've been living with Kristy and Danny. After that night I decided to move in with them. After all, they needed me more than my family did. I would never admit it, but I needed them, too. I looked up from my bowl of cereal as Danny walked into the kitchen and grabbed and apple for breakfast.

"What?" She asked because I was still staring at her.

I shook my head.

"Don't just shake your head, Hope, you obviously want to say something so spit it out." Danny snapped before taking a bite of her apple.

"I was just thinking you should eat more than just and apple." I spoke in a monotone.

"I'm not that hungry. Plus, I have a pack of crackers stashed in my purse just in case. Besides, I'm more worried about you at the moment." Danny looked me dead in the eyes.

"Well, you shouldn't worry about me I'm fine." I told her.

"But I do, and Mom is really worried about you. Hope, you hardly eat, you're not going to school, and you don't show any emotions anymore. It's like you're numb." Danny looked at me with worried eyes.

"That's because I am." I picked up my half eaten bowl of cereal and dumped it out then walked away signaling the end of our conversation.

I went to Dem's room where I now slept. I laid down on the bed and smelled the comforter. It smelled just like him because every time I washed the covers I sprayed them with some of his cologne. Being able to smell him brought me some comfort, but it didn't take away the numbness that I felt. I'm tired of feeling so numb. I just want to feel something, anything. It feels like I died inside when Dem died. Danny and Kristy are starting to get back to normal in some ways. I doubt I will ever be normal.

I look to my right and see a picture of Dem and I on his night stand. I feel the tears streaming down my face but I don't stop them. When I cry is the only time I can feel. I pick the picture up and squeeze it to me. I hear the frame crack and pull it away crying even harder. A piece of glass falls on the cover and I pick it up. I gasp as I feel the sting of the cut. I stare at my finger as the blood pools up and trickles down my finger. Without thinking about what I am going to do I get up and walk to the bathroom.

I search the medicine cabinet until I find what I'm looking for. I almost give up looking for it until my eyes land on it behind some gauze. I pick it up and stare at it for the longest. I debate on whether or not I should do it. All I wanted to do was test my theory. With a shaky hand I pull my sweat pants down exposing my hip and place the razor to my skin putting pressure on the spot. I gasp when I feel the pain. Then I look up in the mirror and smile. I can finally feel. What a relief.

That night I dream of Dem. We are sitting on our branch in our tree and he's smiling his beautiful smile at me. He leans in to kiss me and I close my eyes. When I don't feel his lips on mine I open my eyes to find that I have changed locations and I am standing in Dem's living room. I feel something wet on my cheeks and I wipe it away realizing it's tears. I look to the fire place and see the demon dragging Dem away. I scream out for him and he lifts his head up looking me dead in the eyes. Before the demon pulls him fully into the fire I see his lips moving. He's mouthing 'I love you.' to me.

I sit up in bed with sweat and tears pouring out of my body. I can feel the tears. Only this time the tears aren't enough. I need something else. I get out of bed and go to the bathroom to splash my face with water. As I'm turning the faucet off I see it sitting there on the counter it was like it was taunting me, calling me. Without giving it a second thought I pick the razor up and cut into my other hip. I sigh a breath of relief as I watch the blood ooze out of the new wound.

After a few weeks my newfound relief from the numbness had become a nasty habit. I found myself doing it without thinking about it. I needed that relief from the numbness. I didn't even realize it was a problem. I kept the cuts hidden and I never cut where it would be seen. One night after i woke up from another nightmare shaking and went directly to the bathroom to cut i realized it i hadnt even thought about what i was doing I just grabbed the razor from it's hiding place and placed it to my inner thigh. I suddenly stopped my self and looked in the mirror at myself with a horror stricken face. What was I doing to myself.

All around me everyone was back to as normal of a life as they could live. Not me. I had become more introverted than I ever was. I purposely avoided Chelsea, Mindy, and Holly whenever they were in town visiting. Kristy and Danny were getting more worried about me as time passed.

"Hope, sweetie maybe you should go out. I heard Holly and Jace and the others were in town." Kristy suggested.

"No, I don't want to see them. Why do you and Danny insist that I go out. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to go out. I can't go out. Not without him." I broke down.

"Oh Hope, honey you have to realize by now that he's not coming back. Sweetie, you need to live your life. It's no use wasting away. Dem wouldn't want that." Kristy pulled me to her and rubbed my back in what should have been a soothing way. Only I didn't feel anything.

"I can't. I feel like a part of me died when he left. He took my heart and I have no way of getting it back." I cried. It was the first time I had ever expressed my true feelings.

"I know it hurts. You just have to take it day by day. Isn't that what you always told me and Danny? We've been so caught up with dealing with Dem leaving that we forgot about you. I feel horrible for not noticing you were falling apart while helping us pick up the pieces. You helped us, now it's our turn to help you." Kristy said.

"You can't help me. I'm too far gone." I gave her a sad smile.

"Don't say that. We're here for you." Kristy said firmly.

"I know. I just don't know what to do. I feel so numb. It hurts to cry, and the only comfort I find will eventually destroy me." I told her.

"What are you talking about?" Kristy pulled away and looked at me.

After my realizing that my newfound sway of relief was dangerous I had tried to quit, but it was like an addiction. It was then that I had started debating on whether I should tell someone. But I couldn't do it, I was too ashamed. Being ashamed only made it worse. Now that Kristy was sitting here in front of me offering help, I knew I needed to tell her before my dangerous habitt got even more out of hand than it already was. I stood up and slowly pulled my pants down to reveal my hip. Kristy gasped covering her mouth with her hands. Tears glistened in her eyes as she gently traced each mark.

"Oh honey, why?" She cried.

"It's the only way I can feel. It takes the numbness away." I sobbed.

"We've got to get you some help." She said.

"I don't want to go see some shrink!" I exclaimed angrily.

"But you can't keep doing this to yourself Hope." Kristy replied in a calm voice.

"I don't want anyone to know. I'll stop I promise. Just please don't tell my parents or anyone else." I begged.

"You have to make me a deal. No more cutting. I'll research ways to help you, but you have to stop." She said firmly.

"I can't promise that it'll stop immediately, but I will try." I replied honestly.

"Ok, as long as you try." Kristy nodded.

"Thank you." I said grateful to have someone like her in my life.

"And Hope, I want you to start going out. Maybe you should find something to do in your spare time." Kristy suggested.

"Ok, I'll think of something." I hugged her.

"I love you just as much as I love Danny and Dem." Kristy whispered in my ear.

"I love you guys too." I smiled a real smile.

I kept my word and started going out more and cut less. At first I would just offer to go to the store for Kristy or go see my parents. Eventually I got to where I would hang out at home with mine and Dem's old friends from high school. I still wouldn't go out to socialize but I was making progress. I also started working at the local animal shelter. It was there that I met the one person who would eventually help me heal.