i couldn't really tell you when the last time i wasn't sick was. it was a long time though, a very long time since i was actually healthy. atleast, i thought i was healthy.
it's been about forty-eight hours since i have been admitted to the hospital. well, im considered admitted, but my doctor is letting me leave today to go home and gather some things. because apparently, having stage three lung cancer means i have to live in the hospital for who knows how long.
for the first time in two days, the IV drip and heartbeat censor was taken off of my body, as well the oxygen tubes from my nose, an the sensor that kept track of my breathing so we knew my lungs weren't trash.
my mom went to the front desk to sign me out for a couple of hours, an as i was walking through the entrance to the doors, i looked around and seen people who looked much worse than me. i wondered what was wrong with them, or what they were here for, or even if they were healthy. i longed to be healthy again. just to be able to walk without getting winded, or coughing for minutes on end. i don't want my chest to be heavy everytime i breath. i just want to feel normal. normal and healthy.
my mom caught up to me an smiled before putting her hand on my back. she led me out to the car and helped me into the seat.
"mom really? i'm not that sick, i can get into the car on my own."
i'm not that sick. Pfft, i have goddamn cancer and i'm saying i'm not that sick. okay Josh, keep telling yourself that.
we drove for about ten minutes before my mom spoke up.
"you know, if you want to go to therapy or to a group to talk to kids about this stuff you can. i can set up an appointment, really it's so simple-."
"mom."
she looked over and glanced at me quickly before returning her eyes to the road.
"sweetie i'm just giving you options."
i cough and she looks back over, taking a hand from the wheel an rubbing my back as i hunch over.
"yeah well, i'm not that sick yet mom. we just found out. i'm gonna be fine, everything is gonna turn out fine and everything. i didn't even start taking the medicine they gave me."
my mother was silent for the rest of the ride home. i didn't mean to sound pushy or aggravated or annoyed. i just don't want everything to be about cancer right now.
we got out of the car and she didn't help me, probably because she knew i would say something to her about it. i probably would have, but i probably could have used the help. because by the time i made it up the driveway, my lungs felt like they were on fire.
we walked inside and my mother went to the kitchen and i went to my room. i sat on my bed and looked around. i probably wont be here for a long time. i walk to my closet and take out my backpack. i took all of my notebooks and textbooks, and various pencils out of the backpack. it's been awhile since i went to school and once again, i probably won't be back there for a very long time either.
i packed some clothes, mostly sweatpants and tshirts, along with some movies and my laptop.
i dropped my bag by the door, an went back over to my bed where i laid down. i stared at the ceiling, wondering how things could go from bad to worse so quickly.
i wondered if my friends missed me. i talk to them, but i haven't seen them in awhile. they're all graduating this year, except for my friend Brendon. Brendon's highschool career went downhill since he was a sophomore. he failed more classes he should have because of the constant partying and slacking off he did. he looked alot older than his age. eighteen, just like me. but looked years ahead of his real age. he's really funny, an we always joke about his huge forehead. i call him Beebo sometimes. i've known him since middle school, he's probably my best friend.
my other friend, Pete, was pretty cool as well. it's very surprising to see somebody like him graduate. most people would look at him an think he wouldn't be the type of person to be the school-type. he had tattoos and would constantly get thrown out of class and always joked too much. but he's actually into school. surprising, i know. i've known him since freshman year, an we've gotten pretty close.
my last friend out of the VERY small circle of people that i talk too, is my friend Dallon. Dallon is pretty cool, he's been around for a couple of years. literally, he's been in highschool for like, five or six years. nobody really knows how he has failed, but he still hasn't graduated. and surprisingly, he is this year. i guess him and Pete are in the same boat, if that's what you wanna call it.
i decided to call all of them into a group chat, where i told them exactly what was going on with me. the call was filled with, "oh my god" and "how are you feeling" and ' dude are you gonna die". it was honestly pretty funny at some of the things they said to me. i didn't take any of their jokes to heart though, i know they love me and want the best for me. they all said they would come and see me at one point, once they had days off or the weekend.
my mother called me into kitchen. i sat up and grabbed my bag, looking behind me at the bedroom i was about to leave for a long time. i closed the door and headed down the hall.
i sat down at the kitchen table, and my mother brought over a glass of water and a bottle of pills.
"you'll have to start taking these Josh, they'll make your chest feel less heavy."
i sigh and grab the bottle, taking a pill, swallowing it quickly.
this is my new life now i guess, how fun.
