Tyler was extra quiet when he came into the room. he must of thought that i was sleeping, which was good because i didn't really want to talk. i'm not in the talking mood right now.
i couldn't tell what time it was, but i knew it was sort of late because it was dark outside.
i lay still as Tyler moves throughout the room. walking from his bed, to the bathroom, to his dresser, to the shower, and back to his bed. each time, i can feel his eyes on me. looking for any sign of me being awake. but i tried my hardest to make it look like i was asleep. and thankfully it worked.
minutes passed and both of us were just laying in our beds. i could hear Tyler tapping on the screen on his phone, and his heart monitor beeping with every thump of his heart. his sick-but-getting-better heart. i could hear him pull the blankets over himself, carefully moving them over the tubes and wires.
though i seem asleep, Tyler seemed to sense something. he probably knew i was upset, or maybe he actually thought i was asleep. it's whatever at this point.
i look out the window, seeing the moon peer through the clouds; but my focus on the moon disappears when the glare from the lamp behind me goes out. Tyler switched it off before climbing back under the covers.
the room fell silent, almost, besides the monitors besides our beds, an the television playing at a low volume. and, for the first time, i felt my heart skip. not once, not twice, but three times. which, couldn't of been good at all. but i ignore it, i already know i'll be getting worse soon.
Tyler was quiet for some time, giving me the idea that he was asleep. but that soon changed when his small voice sounded over the machines.
"night Joshie, i-i love you."
i so badly wanted to turn around and jump onto his bed an just wrap my arms around him. but i couldn't. i didn't want him to find out about this. i have to be strong for him. i have to be as strong as possible, and i will try. i will try my hardest. i will fight this.
but, Tyler didn't say a word after that. he fell asleep, his soft snores filling the room, only to end up being drowned out by the beeping of our monitors.
just as i was ready to fall asleep, my heart started to thump. not like it normally does though, a hard thump. it hurt, it hurt alot actually. but i was going to tough it out. because this is the just the start of this, i can't be a crybaby over it now.
i push my pain aside an close my eyes once more, focusing on my breathing or Tyler's heartbeats more than the pain. which, to my surprise, brings me to sleep fairly quickly.
-
i woke up first today, as always. it felt like today was going to be a good day. except it wasn't going to be a good day, because we had chemo. and this meant that my dosage was being strengthened. which will only mean i'll get even more sick. wow, i certainly can't fucking wait.
Tyler wakes up from all the commotion from me dragging my IV cart all over the room. he sits up an rubs the sleep from his eyes, watching me as i pace across the room.
"goodmornin' Joshie."
i look over to see the cutest most precious boy ever sitting in one my t-shirts, which is huge on him by the way. he bats his eyelashes at me an smiles before puckering his lips, giving me a sign that he wants me to walk over an give him a kiss.
"does my sunshine need some lovin'?" i say with a smile across my face as i walk towards his bed, dragging my IV stand behind me, plopping down infront of him, "you are the cutest thing alive, i swear."
he takes his freezing hands an places them on both of my cheeks, pulling my face closer to his. his plump, cold lips press against mine, an i can already feel total bliss. our lips fit perfectly, more perfect than anything i could describe. his lips are soft and sweet. he is entirely love.
"whatcha doin' today Joshie?" he looks up at me with a sparkle in his dark brown eyes and a smile across his face.
"well, we have chemo today, remember?"
a small 'oh' comes out from his lips, which automatically turn into a pout.
"i don't wanna go for chemo today, it's nice when we have breaks from it."
i run my hand over his head, feeling the short stubbles on my fingerpads. i lean down to place a kiss onto his forehead, carefully placing my lips against his skin.
"i also have an examination today, so that should hopefully be a good sign."
it wasn't though it isn't. it's too see how soon i'll need a transplant. for my heart and my lungs. great. just great. which means i'll have to tell Tyler sooner or later.
"i go for that in a few minutes, just a small checkup before chemo. easy peasy lemon squeezy."
a grin spreads across his face as he leans up to place a kiss onto my nose.
"i hope everything goes well Joshie. you deserve it for being better lately."
he smiles at me, and i smile back.
if only he knew.
