i ended up waking up later than i thought. Jenna still had to come an ask me basic questions and take me to my first chemo treatment. which is gonna suck, because my mom can't make it due to work.
i was never a "momma's boy", but whenever my mom can't make it to anything because of work, it really is a bummer. she's always tried to be at as many things for me as possible since my dad left. i don't like talking about it but she really tries her best. she always tried to go to all my school concerts since i was in the band. she would always come in last, standing in the back of the auditorium, waving to me as i play the drums in the corner of the stage. i could never wave to her though, so i would usually smile to her, which she knew was my way of waving back.
that was four years ago though in my freshman year of highschool. things weren't exactly easy that year, but she always wanted to make things as happy as possible for me. i'm forever grateful for that.
i sat up in my hospital bed and turned to the right to look out the window. it was a rainy day in Ohio, which is never a surprise. i sigh and rub my eyes, trying to get rid of any sleepiness left over before i had to get up an start one of the hardest days of my life.
looking over at the nightstand, i notice i have a text from my mother.
MOM: goodluck sweetie ! i'm sorry i won't be there today, but i have faith in you that you will do just fine ! let me know how it goes, i'll see you tomorrow afternoon. i love you joshua !<3
How does someone reply with a happy answer, when the only thing going through their head is that very soon, their body will be pumped with poison that will hopefully kill the cancer?
JOSH: i love you too mom, thanks an see you soon.
i place my phone back into the same spot it was before. i put my hands on my knees and push myself off of my bed, forgetting about some of the tubes an wires connect to my body. i grab onto the portable hanger, dragging along the stand that has my IV's, heart, an lungs monitor on it all the way too the bathroom.
by the time i reach the bathroom, i am absolutely out of breath. i didn't even walk that far, i walked maybe ten or fifteen feet. i can't even walk to the bathroom without looking like a total idiot. i wash my face an comb my hair, and attempt to put on a new shirt. which, in order to do this, i have to unhook my IV bag from the stand and pull it through my shirt holes in order to not tangle myself up. as for my heart an lungs censor, they stay underneath my clothes so it isn't too difficult to deal with.
i walk back out just as Jenna walks into my room. she's carrying a tray that has cereal on it, water, and of course, my pills.
"goodmorning sunshine. how'd you like me letting you sleep in this morning?", says Jenna cheerfully.
i walk back to my bed and sit criss-crossed, reaching out an grabbing the cereal.
"well, it was very nice because i haven't been able to sleep in in ages because, well school. but it's nice," i scoop cereal into my mouth, "hey, what time is my chemo today? i thought about it when i woke up. my mom can't make it today so i was just curious about everything."
Jenna walks over to me an wipes off the cereal that has fallen all over my bed from me talking with my mouth open.
"well, first off young man, you need to slow down with this," she points at me up and down, scolding me for the mess i made, "don't give me that teenager stuff. be a grown man." she laughs, so i know she is joking with me, per usual, "but i moved it up to 11:30am because i have the questions i never asked you yesterday. they won't take that long. i just gotta go get my clipboard. an in the mean time, take your pills." she takes them off the tray an hands them to me, switching the bowl in my hand with the bottle of water.
i pop the pills into my mouth before taking a huge gulp of water, swallowing the pills that are suppose to be making things a little bit better until chemo.
we'll see about that.
Jenna walks back in with a clipboard an pen an sits down on my bed with me.
"alright, so the first part of the questions is like checking off a box type of thing, which is for you to do first. the second part is me asking you to elaborate on them. if you're confused about any of the questions, just speak up and tell me." she hands me the pen and clipboard, before reaching infront of her to grab her laptop to catch up on other patients charts.
hmm, now lets see what kind of questions we have here.
FULL NAME: joshua william dun
YOUR AGE: eighteen years
ANY ILLEGAL DRUG USE IN THE LAST THIRTY DAYS: no maam, clean as a whistle. checking no.
ANY MEDICAL ISSUES IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS: ehh, sure. checking yes.
IF SO, WHAT WERE THEY: eesh. this is so fun. depression, anxiety disorder.
ANY ABUSIVE ACTS IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS: thankfully, not anymore. checking no.
ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITIES IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS: it's been years since i had a relationship. an that's when i was straight. checking no.
ARE YOU WILLING TO SUBMIT THESE ANSWERS TO THE LOCAL MEDICAL CENTER FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL PURPOSES: might as well since i'll probably die soon. checking yes.
tapping Jenna on the shoulder, i hand her the questionnaire an prepare for the real questions.
"alright. so this set of questions basically elaborates on what you answered on that paper. it's also a neurological exam, like testing your eyes an hearing. easy stuff. and after this, we can get you to chemo, alright?" i nod, an Jenna looks down at the clipboard, "so by what you answered here, you said you had some issues? tell me about that please? you don't have to go into detail, just a brief description for evaluation purposes."
i'm glad she isn't having me go into huge detail, i probably wouldn't be able to finish the questions if i had too.
"so probably before i started highschool, my mom and dad started fighting. like, it wasn't too bad of fighting. they fought over who was buying groceries or who was getting me from school, or who was putting gas into the car. then it kinda escalated. he would get mad for her not parking right or buying the right kind of cereal, which was pretty pathetic if you ask me. eventually it got to the point he would yell at me and push me an such, but my mom always got the worst of it so i would be safe. i always felt guilty of that. sooner or later my dad left us because my mom told the cops and he didn't want to get caught or anything."
Jenna was writing something down, i couldn't read it, but i only hoped it was something good.
"and after that my depression came because i didn't have a father figure in my life anymore, even though he was pretty shitty at that. i just didn't have any other man in my life because it was just me an my mom afterwards. as for the anxiety, i've always had it but it just got worse as time went on. the relationship thing, i haven't been in one since freshman year actually. at the time i liked girls, or though i did. me an the girl dated for like a few months, an then when he had sex i was like, uhh i don't like this. an that's the story of how i found of i was gay."
at this point, Jenna wasn't writing anything down, she was just listening to me. she gave me a smile an reached over to rub her thumb over my cheek.
"you're such a honest boy, you don't deserve any of this sweetie. i'm glad you know who you are, and i've glad that you seem like you're doing a little better mentally."
we give eachother a smile before Jenna stands up, taking the clipboard an various papers with her. i continue to sit on my bed, playing with the tube that is pressed against my nose to help me breathe. Jenna walks back in with a wheelchair an signs.
"sorry that the easy part is done. it's time for chemo."
well, if my life could get any shittier, now is the time.
