play the song now :) it's important for this chapter ! this is a really important chapter because it's purely Josh, nothing else in this chapter has anyone but Josh. it is solely what he is thinking. because of this, the chapter will be somewhat shorter but itll be worth it, i promise!
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an hour went by an i didn't move from the couch. i didn't know how to feel exactly. i still haven't cried, even though crying is one thing that'll probably make me feel better or even less stressed out.
i can already feel my anxiety getting the best of me, because before i know it i'm up on my feet pacing the room. i'm holding onto the fucking IV stand, dragging the drugs that are suppose to be helping me.
but no, here i am. a walking ticking time bomb. with cancer swimming through my body and attack my lungs and my heart.
my chemo dosage will probably go up. its plausible.
i'll be even more sick, i'll lose every strand of hair on my body, i'll get skinnier, and i'll get weaker. i'll have no energy to do anything, i'll just be sick.
my mother was notified not too long ago, because i could hear Jenna in the office outside of my room on the phone. it was only noticeable because she had said Ms.Joseph. my mother hates being called that. she prefers Mama Joseph. but, even though she had found out over the phone that her son's cancer had gone up to terminal, she still hadn't come to see me. neither has Brendon. or Pete. or Dallon. but i don't expect them too because they graduate soon. they shouldn't let some cancer boy ruin their lives.
i ended up walking to the bathroom. i hooked my IVs to the hook in the shower before turning it on. i didn't even care that it was cold, i just stepped right in. i ran my hands over my head slowly, feeling what little hair i had left. because pretty soon, there will be no hair on my body at all.
i pressed my back against the cold wall, sliding down an sitting on the floor. i let the water run over my body, hoping an hoping that the water would be enough to wash the cancer away, but it would never be able to do that.
the possibility of surgery rushes over me. i won't just need a lung transplant at one point, i'll probably need a new heart too. the cancer was aggressive too, atleast the spots of it on my heart. so soon, my heart will be a cancerous organ keeping me alive, even though it will be killing me. what a coincidence.
i got out of the bathroom an pulled on boxers and sweatpants, not bothering to dry off. i didn't look in the mirror either, because i knew that i now had baldspots. i couldn't shave the rest off because what was used to cut my hair before couldn't get my hair perfectly clean. we also couldn't have razors in any of the rooms. especially mine, because i'm on their watch list for my, "past events".
i walked to my bed an laid down, pulling the covers up an over my body. i turned toward the window an watched the rain fall from the clouds.
before i felt like death was close, but now i feel like death is closer.
Tyler probably deserves to know. he deserves to know that i'm getting sicker.
but i'm not going to tell him. i'm not going to do that him. i can't hurt him like this. because i know that he'll be even more effected than i am. an i wouldn't want that at all. he already has problems of his own; dealing with the cancer he has.
i wanted Tyler to be here to help me feel better, to make me happy. but i couldn't bring it up, because it would make him upset. an he doesn't deserve to be upset at a time like this. he needs to get better as i get worse. that is just how it has to be from now on.
and i'm okay with it.
i feel as if my body is glass, an i'm cracking piece by piece. parts of me have chipped off an parts of me have fallen off. i feel as if my life is falling apart. i feel as if my body is being surrounded by negatives, an that i have no positives. even though i have Tyler.
Tyler is the only good thing in my life. he's the motivation i have to wake up in this god forsaken hospital bed everyday. he helps make the chemo treatments less painful. he has given me the feeling of love. the feeling of hope an happiness. i need him in my life more than anything, even more than chemo. i'd rather die than have to go through extensive chemo an surgeries.
even though that's what my life will consist of now.
as i lay in this bed, i watch the IV drip over and over. and i watch the heart monitor beep with every beat of my heart. and i watch the monitor for my lungs light up in time with the way my lungs inflate. even though they're shit, they're working. for now anyways.
i feel tears well up in my eyes at the thought of me losing my life. the thought of me not being able to have Tyler by my side, or to feel his lips or his hands or his beating heart.
i start to cry, because of the thought of me being gone and dead terrifies me.
i start to sob, because soon i will be filled with cancer that will eventually be the death of me.
i close my eyes an press my face into the pillow, slowing my breathing down just how Tyler would help.
breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out.
as i finally calm down, i turn back onto my side towards the window. i close my eyes, hoping that i fall asleep so i can forget about everything.
but this idea fades as i hear Tyler's voice outside in the hallway. the door nob twists, the door swinging open to allow Tyler to get wheeled in.
i love him, but i just wanted quiet. i wanted to be alone.
i just wanted to be by myself.
i just wanted to get used to the feeling of being alone.
alone.
