the ICU was extremely lonely, let me tell you. it's only one person per room, the visiting hours are limited, the food is even worse, an you barely get any communication from anyone, including the nurses. you have a ton more tubes an wires hooked up in here too, like i can barely move, an they don't even like me get out of bed, which is annoying.
breathing has been a million times better, which i'm extremely happy about. like i can breathe an not feel like i'm gonna die or anything which is a plus.
surprisingly, my mother called me. she asked how i felt an if anything hurt, which was a dumb question. obviously things hurt, not terribly, but things hurt. i just got my fuckin' lungs taken out an got new ones back in. which is insane, to think about. she apologized for not being around because of work and all which i understood. she was always working which i was used too, but she hasn't really been here at all since i was diagnosed which is okay i guess. i have Tyler, that's all i need.
periodically Jenna would come into the room an check my incisions, which are healing quite fast an nicely considering i got surgery almost a day and a half ago. i even get to go back to my room which is nice.
i would occasionally fall asleep which is nothing to complain about. there was nothing in here to do, so sleeping was the best option at hand.
though i wasn't tired, i tried falling asleep until i heard the glass door slide open.
"hiya Josh, i'm here to check your incision one last time before i bring you back. when we get to your room i'm going to have to change the bandage on it though, so just prepare for that." Jenna spoke softly but cheerfully.
she was always happy which i was thankful for, she's always able to brighten the mood wherever she is. so being in a hospital with her really helps.
i hate when she changed the bandage on my back. it wrapped around my waist so it took forever to get off, an my back had staples and stitches because the incision was from the side of my ribs to my back on both sides. it's really uncomfortable honestly, but it's better then being filled with sick lungs. whenever she switches bandages, the stitches or staples would sometimes pull which hurts, an my back an chest are somewhat bruised which isn't fun. i'll be recovering from this for a few days before being put onto the list for a heart transplant.
Jenna finished checking my back before hooking my IV stand to my bed an kicked the brakes up. she pushed my bed down the hallway. she knocked on the door, an seconds later Tyler opened the door with the brightest smile.
"Joshie! you're back! i'm so so happy.! thank you Jenna thank you!."
Tyler was practically jumping up an down, but didn't actually realized he was in the doorway, in my way from going into the room.
"hey uh, Ty babe, you're in my way. Jenna can't get me through."
he stopped jumping an rubbed the side of his face that glowed red, embarrassed from how excited he actually was to see me. Jenna pushed me to the side of my actual bed. she had Tyler help lift me up an onto it, an rolled the other bed into the hallway. she came back an instructed me to sit with my legs over the side of my bed. she brought over a wheeled-table with a roll of bandage on it an sterilized wipes.
Tyler sat on his bed an looked an seen me wince as Jenna unwrapped the bandage from me. he leaned over to hold my hand an watched as the bandage came off, revealing purple-yellow bruises on my body an stitches lining my body. he was in awe, admiring how such a procedure resulted in so many things to hold me together. he leaned over an kissed my hand an rubbed my hand with his thumb.
i gasped as a slight sting went through my body, looking behind me to see Jenna wiping down my incisions to clean them. a staple was pulled an blood began running down my side.
"aw man, not again." i slapped my forehead an sighed as Jenna held a bandage against it an cleaned the blood that had ran down my side.
"it's alright Josh, you're fine. you went through a lung transplant an that's what you worry about. not rejecting the lungs, not the coughing, but the small blood. really now?" Jenna snorted at her own sarcasm.
she took the bandage an wrapped it around my chest an stood up to throw away the dirtied bandages an wipes.i turned around to lay down onto the pillow; Jenna waved goodbye an said she would be bringing food in a little bit but wanted to give me an Tyler some time since we haven't been alone together for a bit.
once she shut the door, Tyler immediate got up an sat next to me, carefully, not to hit my stitches too much or be ontop of my IVs so they wouldn't pull. he laid back an put his arm around my stomach. he didn't say anything for a few, which was okay. he missed me, an i missed him.
he moved back a bit against the bed railing an looked down at my side at my bandage. i looked down at him before reaching over an placing a finger under his chin to lift his head.
"i am perfectly fine, Joseph. no need to stare." i smiled at him.
he carefully dragged his fingers over the bandage an looked up at me. he leaned down a bit to kiss the bandages before coming back up to kiss me. he looked as if he was about to cry, so i put my arm around him an pulled him close, even though a small dull pain shot through me.
"don't you cry now, okay? don't you cry. i'm okay, i promise. i'm not going anywhere Ty, i'm here." i kissed the top of his head, the small wisps of hair poking at my chapped lips. i kissed his forehead as well as he lifted his head up, his eyes slightly red from crying. he sniffled an wipes his eyes on his sweatshirt sleeve. our beds were pretty big, so i moved over a bit so he had room to lay down next to me.
i placed my hand on his shoulder an rubbed it slowly to sooth him. he eyes started to flutter shut, clearly showing he was tired even though he was jumping with joy not too long ago.
he closed his eyes, though he was awake, speaking seconds later.
"please never die, okay?. i don't know what i would do if you left Joshua. i need you alot."
hearing this caused a feeling in my heart that i never felt. not a cancer pain, but a emotional pain. i can never answer this with a positive answer, because there is always the possibility that i could go. i could slip away in my sleep tonight, or i could have a heart attack in the shower. it could be any time.
or maybe i'll live till i'm old an grey with Ty. happy as can be. married with who knows how many children, in our own home.
i can't make these promises.
"i'll try Babyboy; i always fight for you, but you know that i can't make any promises an i'm sorry about that." i spoke quietly, rubbing his back in circles.
he was quiet for a bit more again, before opening one of his eyes.
"Joshie?"
i open my eyes an look down at at him, "yes Tyler?"
he yawned an closed his eyes again.
"i love you."
i smiled an kissed his head an leaned back.
"i love you too Babyboy."
he didn't say anything back, which wasn't a surprise. because he was sound asleep next to me.
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