we got up early this morning; sadly not to leave yet for our Wish Trip, but for follow ups to the chemo two days ago. they weren't the quick and easy follow ups either, they were x-rays that took forever to complete. we couldn't move and we couldn't speak or else we would have to redo each scan.
Tyler was getting scanned at the same time i was, but he was in a different room. we were both hoping that the scans would improve since the last time due to the different chemo we had received this week; we were both praying for a miracle. or atleast a miracle for this trip, we wanted to go so badly.
i have never been on a plane, nor have i ever been anywhere totally far, like anywhere outside of Ohio. i'm kinda nervous, but i mean when will i ever be able to go to the east coast again? im excited but my anxiety has been raging lately; what to pack for clothes, what to bring just incase, what things do i ACTUALLY need, it's all so complicated!
an hour passes an my scan is just about up. the machine slowly moves me out, allowing me to sit up an stretch. i sit on the bench for a few seconds more an look to my left and out of the x-ray room to see Tyler sitting in his wheelchair with Sarah, waiting for me. i push myself up off of the bench an walk to the exit; i could actually walk this week, sometimes the chemo gives off a dizzy effect but thankfully, i feel so much better than usual.
"hey Ty, have you felt better lately? this new chemo makes me feel ten times better than with the other one!" his face lights up at how happy i am; he reaches out with grabby hands, urging me to walk closer. i do, an he grabs onto the top of my shirt, pulling me down so he can bring me into a kiss.
"i do infact feel better Joshie. and by the way, your hair is starting to grow a bit," he takes his hand an places it ontop of my head, feeling the small hairs sprouting," you will look so nice with yellow hair. though it'll never replace bald Jishwa, you always look nicer without it."
i shake my head and laugh, "bald Joshua, really?" he nods and grins, making himself laugh at his own joke. Sarah begins to walk down the hall, bringing us back to our rooms. i look down at Tyler who's still looking back at me, smiling like her has never seen me before.
"you're cute y'know."
his face turns a light red, but it disappears as he brings his hands up to his cheeks.
"stop it Joshie you're makin' me red!"
we eventually make it to our room, both of us sitting on our beds.
"Ty?," he looks over at me, "do you think my scans will come back alright? i mean, my last scans were better but what if they didn't get better? what if they got worse and what if i'm dying and what if i can't go and-"
"Joshua."
he never says my full name, so hearing it from him instantly makes me stop rambling.
"you will be fine, okay? they will come back better than before or the same, and they will clear you. you will be able to go, okay?," he says as he stands up an comes over to my bed. he sits down next to me, and i know he can see the tears that had started to pool in the corners of my eyes, "everything will be okay, okay?"
i blink, sending the tears down my cheeks an onto the fabric of my sweatpants. i soon break into a sob, my anxiety getting the best of me, once again.
"i just- i just wanna, be a-able to go with y-you Ty. this i-is your t-trip, i don't w-wanna make it suck for y-you."
my breathing gets quicker, due to letting myself hyperventilate over nothing.
it's nothing, right?
he reaches over an wipes the tears from my eyes an my cheeks, before wrapping his arms around me. i cry into his shoulder, hiccuping every so often.
"it's gonna be okay Joshie," Tyler cooed, his voice barely a whisper, "it's gonna be okay, you'll be just fine. whatever happens, i'll be by your side, okay?"
i raise my head from his shoulder, blinking as my eyes were stained red, and give him a small nod. he kisses my cheek before ushering me to lay down. though, he didn't get up an leave when i was done crying, he stayed.
time passed an Tyler still laid with me; we talked about how i was feeling. how i was scared and anxious an excited all at the same time. i told him how what i had was a anxiety attack, an how i haven't had one in awhile, an how they always used to be a huge bother in my day.
we stared at one another for a bit after that, soaking up the presence of the other, even though we are with eachother every single day. but i couldn't complain. i loved his company.
he lifted his hand, reaching out for mine. i brought my hand up to his, tracing the prominent bones that were pushing up against his pale skin.
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i traced his fingers a few times before slipping them into his palm, feeling the warm of his skin on mine. i grabbed his hand an moved it to my lips, pressing kisses on each of his fingertips, and then the top of his hand. i moved over slightly, an placed a kiss on his rosy lips.
"you're beautiful, and i love you Ty."
he giggled as he was complicated, his face growing red again.
"and i love you too, my handsome boy."
we smiled at eachother, until Jenna and Sarah had walked into the room. they both held folders, most likely with x-rays and test results inside. we both sat up and held out grip on eachother, our hands squeezing tighter as we grew more nervous.
Sarah and Jenna were expressionless. they said nothing. but they looked at one another before looking back at us.
"we hope you boys have your bags packed; we're leaving tomorrow. you both are cleared. congratulations!
huge smiles grew on our faces as we turned to one another. we wrapped our arms around eachother's body, squeezing an holding on for dear life.
"you did it Joshie, i told you!"
i could tell he was happy-crying due to the occasional sniffles.
"you did it too Babyboy, i'm so so happy."
Jenna and Sarah left a few minutes afterwards, but me an Tyler barely pulled apart.
