step into the sun || c.m

chapter thirteen

Connor could barely breathe, and he wasn't sure if it was excitement or extreme nerves or excitement. Anticipation would probably be the correct word. He stared at that dark blue duffel bag that he had shoved enough clothes for three or four days, some essentials, money for food in case they couldn't steal it from the gas station (some times it was hard), and other things he had thrown in on a whim. He even packed a swimsuit in case Cierra insisted on going swimming. She had texted him the night before saying she had put the chairs and towels in her car, which stressed him out. He really didn't like swimming all that much, and he wasn't a huge ocean person. But he knew Cierra loved the ocean and had wanted more than anything to go. She hadn't gone since her father left, he was the one that always took her. His hands started fidgeting, his fingers cracking and popping as he messed around with the fabric of his black joggers. He hated them, the joggers that is. Everyone at his school wore them, they made him feel sick, he hated looking like everyone else. But they were comfortable. So he would wear them sometimes. His fingers that were obviously restless moved from the fabric of his pants to his hair that was down and hanging at his shoulders. He took in a deep breath and looked at the clock on his bedside table, that was barely readable due to all the times he had thrown it on the ground. 

6:15. 

Cierra would be here in fifteen minutes. He had been standing here, staring at his bag for a half an hour. He had read the books, he had seen the movies, trips like this always end with something happening. The two kids hooking up, one confessing love, a kiss, anything. He hated the idea of any of those things happening, knowing it would not be reciprocated. He heard the familiar piano notes of his cell phone ringing. He paused for a moment and closed his eyes, taking in the first few notes. He loved piano, especially this song. The notes flowed very well together, it was sad, but a sadness that was like a longing. A longing to be happy, a longing for someone or something. He had been watching a youtube video on how to pierce your own ear and it was the background music. Goth kids were kind of weird. 

He quickly snapped out of  it, pulling his phone from the pocket in his joggers and pressing the answer button without even looking at caller I.D. 

"Hello?" He mumbled, his voice still groggy as he hadn't said anything at all this morning. He had only gotten up, showered, and dressed himself, which was a hassle all in itself. He heard a laugh, a laugh he heard almost every day, a laugh that could end wars. 

"Did I wake you up?" She asked him, he heard wind rushing in the background. She was in her car. "I'm sorry." She didn't even wait for him to respond. "I'm on my way, I'll be there soon. I'm really excited, this is going to be great." He opened his mouth to respond, but the line clicked off before he could even utter a syllable. He grabbed his duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder and he tried to make as little noise as possible in his heavy combat boots as he walked down the hallway. It would only be thirty minutes until everyone in the house would begin to wake up. He had to make sure he didn't wake up his sister or his mother, knowing they would stop the weekend plans he and Cierra had made. He made his way down the stairs with minimal creaks, and opened the door without hearing a single family member stir or ask him where the hell he was going. He stood on his wooden porch, the air not quite cold but not hot. Typical April weather in his hometown. He crossed his arms, since he was only wearing a thin grey t-shirt the slight chill running through the air was getting to him. The sun was just starting to peak over the clouds, and all he could think about was flying into them, looking at all of the beautiful trees and plants, the people so small and tiny that he couldn't hear them telling him to come down. 

It was early and he was tired. He probably shouldn't be thinking like this. But he didn't really care. He continued to think of what it would be like, soaring above the sky. He loved the idea of only him being up there, he couldn't even seem to fit Cierra up there. Maybe she was on the ground cheering him on. Or in Wisconsin, with another guy whose name is etched in his combat boots. Maybe he loves her just like Connor does. Maybe she is the only think that makes sure his heart keeps beating and his wrists stay clean. Maybe she feels the same way. Maybe she sees him and sees the stars. He felt himself falling from the sky when he heard the honk of a car horn. He jumped a little, seeing that mess of curls fall at her shoulders as she hopped out of the jeep. She crossed her arms over her white tank top, she looked freezing. 

"Aren't you gonna come drive us to Florida?" She smirked, starting to slowly make her way over to the other side of the car. Her legs weren't all that long, since she was actually pretty short, or short compared to Connor's towering six foot one stature, but they looked as if they could flow on for days. She never wore anything that would show her legs, but she was wearing jean shorts that he swore he had never seen her wear. He had seen the pink and white marks that cascaded her thighs, but he had never seen her wearing clothes to where anyone could see. He wished she would. All of her flaws were perfect. 

"Aren't you going to get cold?" He smirked, taking his usual gigantic strides towards the car, hopping in where she had left the door open. She followed quickly behind, her smile spreading across her face. 

"Not when we are at the beach!" She smiled, all of her teeth shining bright and happy. She clapped a little, and clicked on the radio. She never did that. They never did that. And when they did, it was usually classical music or some kind of indie band. This was pop music. This was SIRUS XM. Connor looked over at her and raised an eyebrow and  let out a chuckle. 

"Now what in the hell are you doing Cierra." She was smiling with her teeth. She was wearing shorts. Her hair was down, and it even looked like she tried to straighten it a little. She must have given up, cause it only looked half of the way finished. And he was listening to Ariana Grande sing unholy high notes through the radio of her car. Her smile fluctuated ever so slightly, but she pushed it back up. It almost looked fake. 

"We are going to be actual teenagers. We are going to do all that shit they do in the movies. We are going to go to the beach, get drunk, do stupid shit, all of it. This is our last spring break together. We're gonna do it right, okay? So slap a smile on your face, Connor Murphy we are going on a fucking roadtrip to the beach and it's gonna be fun." Her pale fingers moved to the sound dial as she twisted it up to an ear curdling volume. He did smile though, her happiness wasn't quite artificial. Forced and probably pushed to an extreme of what it actually was, maybe. But it was real nonetheless. He loved more than anything to see her happy. 

"Okay, so we're ready?" He asked, placing the key in the ignition and pulling out of the driveway. 

Connor was tired, so he wasn't able to get quite as hyped up as Cierra was. He drove, and drove and drove. After a while, Cierra got kind of tired of singing at the top of her lungs at an unholy note and she turned off the radio. So she talked. Connor didn't respond all that much, but he could listen to her talk for hours upon hours, and that is actually what she did. She had kicked off her flip flops and put her feet up on the dash. She even ended up putting her hair back in a bun. He knew some of these things wouldn't last. Her legs were stretched out, and he cold tell she was doing everything in her power to pretend not to care that the marks on her legs were out in the open. She just talked. She talked about all the thing she was going to miss, which mainly consisted of Connor and all the things they did. The fact that she wasn't going to have this amazing best friend that would do anything for her, that would buy her a camera and help her make a scrapbook. She then went off for a moment explaining how excited she was for the beach polaroids. She got back on track after a moment, going on about the things she wouldn't miss. Like the girls at school who are mean to her, and call her names, and caused those marks that decorate her legs. The girls who told her no one would ever love her. The girls she believed until she met Connor. She said they still got to her sometimes, but she was glad to be rid of them. She kept going, eventually talking nonsense, her eyes getting heavier, the sun starting to set in the horizon. They had only stopped a couple of times for food and bathrooms, and they were making great time. And he just kept going, even when her voice started to fade away, he thought of her. Even in the few hours that she was asleep, he was thinking of hearing her voice again. He was thinking of how excited she was going to be when he woke her up and they were there. They were at the place they had both been looking forward to for what felt like forever.

And when he saw that sign he was so excited he didn't have to wait any longer. 

author's note// hot damn this chapter sucks ass but hey guys how are u i was gone for a hot second but ya bitch back hope this didnt guve you hip canncer !!!!!