step into the sun || c.m

epilogue

It had been a year and a half or so since Connor killed himself, and it still felt odd. The way Cierra found out was completely unconventional, and made her sick to her stomach almost. She was simply leaving the house, on her way to school, hating the fact she had to drive there herself, when her mother stopped her. 

"Was Connor Murphy that boy that was always at our house back in Kentucky?" She spoke as if their old home was years ago, not a week and a half ago. 

"Yeah." She couldn't stand to have an actual conversation about Connor with her mother, hoping more than anything this exchange was almost over.  

"He killed himself a week or so ago." Cierra basically ran out of the door, she knew for a damn fact she wasn't going to school that day, or any day for the rest of this week honestly. He hadn't been answering her calls, her texts, anything. She assumed he was sad and needed space, she had never thought that it was he wasn't breathing anymore. 

The grieving process was hard and long, she still hadn't completely gotten over Connor's death. She had decided to go back to Kentucky for college, knowing she would be somewhat close to Connor. She never visited the ledge, but she was told a lot of people did at first, which made her incredibly angry because they didn't know him. She never wanted to see where Connor had decided to end it all, tainting a place she used to love more than anything. For a while, she was mad at Connor, mad at him for leaving without so much as a warning text. She stayed away from online, knowing she'd just see people pretending to know Connor, but she did hear about some Evan Hansen kid, who Cierra had never even met other than passing by in the hallways. All she knew was that Connor had apparently signed his cast and he said they were friends, which was the saddest fucking thing she had ever heard. 

She was pretty shocked when she got a call from Evan Hansen himself a couple days before the start of her sophomore year of college. 

"Hey, it's Evan Hansen, this is Cierra Vass, correct?" She remembered him being incredibly anxious, her most vivid memory of Evan was in her freshman year honors world lit class when he stopped breathing during a presentation. He sounded a lot calmer than she could possibly remember. 

"Yeah, why are you calling me?" She hadn't spoken to anyone from her old high school since the day junior year ended, other than Connor of course. 

"Well, um the Murphy's are moving out of their house and they found a box of photos and they didn't really um, know who you were, and Zoe told them who you were and they assumed you wanted the photos." He coughed a little, waiting for your response. "Since you obviously meant something to one another." He mumbled. 

"Can you get them to me today? We can meet in two hours." She stated, knowing it would take that amount of time exactly to get back to her high school. 

"Um, yes! How about um, the apple orchard?" He suggested, and she simply said yes and hung up the phone. He was almost painful to talk to, but she didn't care. She wanted those photos, hell she needed those photos. More than she needed air. She jumped into her jeep, and she drove as fast as she possibly could. Her heart lurched when she pulled down the sun guard and saw one of the polaroids she had kept taped to it. Other than that, the entire ride all she thought about was getting there and getting that box. She pulled up to the orchard, actually never having been here before, but she almost passed out when she saw 'Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard' written in big red letters. She decided not to ask about it, not really caring to know the absolute bullshit reason. 

"Thank you so much for coming." She had barely noticed Evan was standing at the entrance as well. She nodded, seeing that white box in the boy's hands. 

"Why didn't the Murphy's just give me the photos." She took careful steps towards Evan, and she could see his eyes were glued on the big handwriting Connor had written his name in across the toe of her boot. 

"They um.." He was seemingly almost panicking. "They had a big issue with someone who said they were Connor's friend and they couldn't deal with another so-called best friend of Connor's or.. Or whatever." She tried not to get angry with the so-called comment, she was Connor's best friend. There was no doubt in her mind that she was the most important human in Connor's life. She simply nodded, and she saw Evan break a sweat. "It was me, I pretended to be Connor's friend because I-" She cut him off simply with a wave of her hand. 

"I don't really care, can I please just have the photos." He quickly handed the box over to her, waiting for her to make the next move. She didn't quite yet, she looked out across the expanse of unfully grown apple trees. She knew one day they would be beautiful, one day this sight would possibly be as beautiful as the one they had looked out upon a year or so ago. She felt a pang of sadness, but tried to suppress it until later. She just kept her eyes on the skyline, seemingly going on for forever. "Yanno, Connor would have really loved this. He liked trees a lot." She sighed, not really expecting much of a response. 

"R-Really?" Evan stuttered. "I really like trees too."

author's note// thank you, for everything.