step into the sun || c.m

chapter eighteen

tw// cierra was raped, and while i won't go into great detail there are parts of this chapter that may be deemed very triggering to some. while this entire book is a trigger warning, this one is supreme trigger warning like seriously if you wanna know what happens in this chapter basically, cierra was raped connor makes her feel better she's damaged and he helps her move on!! 

Cierra was crying by the time he sat next to her. She had reason, he would soon find out. 

"Cierra what the hell is going on?" It was formed more so as a demand, than a question. He wanted to know what in the hell was causing her to feel this way. 

"Connor I need you to know that." She paused for a moment letting out a couple of sobs. He couldn't stand to see her this way and not be able to hug her. Make her feel comforted, make her feel better in general. It hurt him physically and emotionally that there was nothing in the world he could do to help her. "I need you to know that there is nothing to be done. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it." And with that, she told him every single detail that she could remember from the second she walked into the club, to when she got out of the man's apartment. She told him she was certain he had slipped something into her drink, and she said she realized that she didn't care. She told him that there was no one there to help her but herself, and she couldn't even help herself. She choked out that even as he violated her, she couldn't even force herself to fight back. But he didn't care. She admitted that the entire time she wished Connor had been there to save her, to get her out of the mess she had put herself in. 

"You need to fucking press charges." He hollered, he felt his blood about to boil over. 

"Connor, I don't even know what he looks like." She stopped the heavy sobbing, only letting out chokes as she wiped away her tears. 

"You have to have some DNA, somewhere lik-" She cut him off. 

"Connor, I tried I burned the clothes I was wearing, I showered so many times, it was two weeks ago. I have no idea who he is, and there's nothing left of him. I've thought of it all." She told him, and it made him angry. 

"I wish..." She lot it in another fit of sobs, but this time he couldn't quite stop himself from reaching over and taking her in his arms and pulling her in. She kept sobbing, and she never finished her statement on what she wished. Neither of them could seem to care. Her fingers locked around his forearm, and she let the tears continue to fall down her cheeks. 

And it was like, in that exact moment, everything switched back to the Connor and Cierra that they had been a month ago. Of course, the events over spring break would always linger in the back of their heads for a while, and maybe even forever. But it was easier to push it back, not think about it whenever they would make eye contact. 

But Cierra was brokem, shattered even. That night, they drove up to the ledge, because they wouldn't get to do it on the first day, they should do it on the last day of school instead. They sat on that ledge for what felt like, and was, hours upon hours. It started with Cierra telling him that she felt disgusting and used. That she had started cutting herself again, since there was no one out there to stop her. Her mother had walked in on her, but she was too drunk to know what she was doing. She went on and on, about how times she felt like breaking into a million pieces, but other times she forgot completely about it, she forgot that he had touched her body in places that no other person had ever touched. She told him every detail of how his fingers traced the scars that littered her body, as if they were beautiful. He had said he had never seen a girl wear scars like she did. She would forget. And she loved forgetting about those things, they weren't things she enjoyed remembering. She told him that now more than ever, she actually wanted to die. He kept it to himself that he identified with that statement. These past few weeks had been the first time in a long time that he had actually wanted to kill himself. 

"Have you painted anything recently?" Cierra questioned once she was tired of discussing the topic, or she couldn't handle the topic any longer. Connor could barely handle the topic any longer. 

"No, but I can." He told her. He had no muse anymore without her. He had nothing to paint, no one to show his paintings to. She was the reason he kept on painting. He was more than happy to paint again for her. "Is there anything in particular you had in mind?" He looked down at their feet swinging off the ledge. He missed this sight. He missed being able to look at her, look at this view, everything about moments like these he missed. 

"Yes." She looked over at him and smiled. She reached over and grabbed the polaroid camera, showing it to him. He let out a laugh. She took that polaroid camera just about anywhere you could imagine. Even if she didn't deem anything worthy of taking a polaroid, she always had it in her bag and in her hand. Tonight was no acceptation. 

"Oh god." He groaned, and she nudged him. Her smile looked strained, and even pained. He couldn't blame her. She had reason. 

"Come on, Connor you're the one that created this monster." A little bit of herself leaked through, but he knew that moments like these may be forced. He understood that there was going to be helping and growing with this. 

But then he remembered that she was going to be gone in two months. That for two months he was just going to have to help her as much as he possibly could. And they'd figure it out from then on out. 

"Lay back and put your feet up." She demanded, and he did just so. He looked over at her, so focused on getting their feet perfectly center with the sun just about down on the horizon. He smiled to himself, thinking about how lucky he was to have met this girl. She clicked the photo, and let the ink space out, creating a perfect photo. 

"Paint this, but yanno give it your style. Make it pretty. I don't even care if I get to keep it, I just want you to paint it." 

He happily obliged, and she did in fact get to keep the painting. 

author's note// yall so much drama on instagram and twitter like i almost quit the deh fandom and i still may you're all fucktards tbh JK I LOVE U LOL !!! no one bothers me on here thanks for all being so great!!! aside from one person fuck u but yeah i love u all so much omg youre wonderful i adore everything about all of you god im so thankful sorry this chapter was a sucky filler!!