step into the sun || c.m

chapter fourteen

As he looked at the beach, he smiled to himself. He decided to wait a moment before waking Cierra so he could just look at the view for just a moment and soak it in for himself. It was late into the night, and there were only a couple of cars parked in the lot. Probably some teenagers having a late night bonefire or something of the sort. But the view was beautiful. He made sure to park in the perfect place where he can see the moon gleam over the ocean. It really was beautiful. He wished his town had something this beautiful. The closest thing they had was the ledge, but it wasn't necessarily beautiful or anything. It was just calming, and it was just theirs. Maybe it was better, whatever, but right now this was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

After a while, he kind of forgot about Cierra, but she started to stir in the seat next to him. He sucked in a breath and looked over at her. Her clothes were all messed up from moving around in her sleep, her hair was falling out of its bun. Her eyes started to flutter open, the green glimmering slightly even though the only light provided was a street lamp and the moon.

She looked around, slightly panicked for a second, but he could see the reality sink into her. He let out a light laugh, careful not to let out his usual loud chuckle. She had just woken up.

"You okay?" He asked, looking away from her for a second and back to the ocean. It was just so beautiful. And for a moment, he wished that the ocean could be the only thing he saw for the rest of his life, no matter how long or short that may be.

"I'm tired." She mumbled, and he looked back over at her.

Maybe he'd be fine with only seeing two things in his life.

"Yeah? Well go back to sleep. I'm about to." He grumbled, even though he knew it was a lie. She looked back at him, and he swore he saw galaxies in those green eyes. Now that he thought about it, he'd much rather look into those eyes than the ocean, and it wasn't even a close tie.

"No. I wanna take a walk on the beach." She sat up and unclicked her seatbelt, stretching her arms out. There were tiny marks drawn across, as if done with white paint, but he knew that the tool used to create those lines were much harsher than any paintbrush Connor owned. He wanted to pull her arms to his lips and kiss up her forearm all the way to her lips. But he didn't.

"Right now?" He felt the air get hot, so he pulled his long hair into a bun. He was still wearing what he left the house in. So he was kinda hot. He hoped she would say no, because he couldn't say no to her.

"Yeah." He let out a sigh, making sure she couldn't hear. He slipped off his sweatshirt he had put on after he finished tying his hair up. He sighed again and looked over at Cierra again. She was fixing her hair, pulling the loose blonde curls back into a bun. She reached over and grabbed his sweatshirt. She always wore a sweatshirt, no matter how hot it was. He hoped she didn't put it on, she didn't need it. She didn't just yet, so he was slightly content. She looked at herself in the rear view mirror, making sure she looked decent enough. Eventually, she looked over, a smile on her face.

"What?" She had noticed he was looking at her. His face turned bright red and he hoped to god that she couldn't see it in the semi darkness. He started to stutter and mumble out some words.

"It's nothing it's just you're..." He didn't wanna call her pretty. He can't recall the last time he called her pretty to her face. Maybe homecoming. That was a fun night. They didn't go. She didn't wear a dress, she wore what she usually wore. They played instrumental music and danced in Connor's living room, since Zoe was at homecoming and his parents were out. He told her that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. "You don't need the sweatshirt. It's kinda hot, you aren't good need it." The cover up wasn't all that great. But she bought it.

"Connor... I may.." She looked down at the sweatshirt. She still hurt herself sometimes. He knew that. She always called him afterwards, and she usually didn't even say it he just knew. They never talked about it. He only rarely saw the marks, she didn't really try and hide it in front of him.

"If you want it, take it. It's just... It's just me. And if you wanna go in the ocean, you can't wear leggings and t-shirt in the ocean. It's practice I guess." He shrugged. He knew she was just pretending not to care about that. There were people at the beach most of the time. There would be teenagers, adults. They'd see. He saw her nod.

"You're right. If i'm gonna wear that hot swimsuit tomorrow I gotta wear a tank top first." She sighed and quickly got out of the car. He chuckled a little, getting out of the car along with her. They both started making their way to the sand, meeting together where it began. They didn't really say much at first, until they got down to the water. Cierra smiled to herself, and Connor could see just a little of it. She wasn't showing her teeth, and he knew it was real. She spread her arms out and let the wind hit her body. He just stared at her. She was so lovely. Her arms stretched and it seemed as if she didn't care if everyone could see every single mark ever placed on her arm. She didn't care she was some random girl standing at the water looking kinda stupid. Connor smiled to himself as well, he was happy just to see her happy.

After a while, she pulled her arms down and looked at Connor. He saw her cheeks turn red and his stomach dropped a little, remembering earlier when his did the same and he just hoped she didn't see.

"Yanno what Connor Murphy." She looked at him, the blush going away. She said it as if it were a declaration, and he started to panic. She did this a lot. She would make a huge declaration, a huge statement that meant so much and it would physically hurt Connor he couldn't say what he wanted, so he'd say some stupid shit.

"What, Cierra Vass?" She winced a little. She hated her last name since it was still legally her father's last name. He mentally kicked himself, knowing she hated it but he did it anyways. She didn't say anything, she just kept on going.

"You are so important. Connor, you matter so much. I know I am being hypocritical because I think I don't matter. Like I know now the whole cutting myself shit has come back since I'm leaving and I'm sad and..." She looked down for a second, slumping a bit, but she quickly straightened her posture and looked back at him, straight in the eye. "I know we don't talk about it, and I know now it's coming back and I know I'm trying to get over it. But I want you to know you make my life better, and I know you think you don't matter but you do Connor. You matter so fucking much. Because I wouldn't be here if you weren't here. I love you so much. You mean the world to me.. You are my world I know it's cliche and gross and you hate shit like that, hell I hate shit like that but fucking hell Connor it's late, I'm tired and you're my best friend." He let the words sink in, he let the words seep into his skin and take over every ounce of his body. And he decided instead of saying something dumb like 'eh love you too fucktard.' He decided he was going to say something sweet to her.

"Yanno what, I'm gonna say something to you and we probably will never mention this again." He stated and he saw another smile creep onto her face and she nodded. "Cierra, you mean the world to me too. I love you more than any word in the english dictionary can say. I probably would've jumped off that fucking ledge if you didn't put your fat nose in my business." She laughed a little, crossing her arms over her chest. "Borderline, you are important to. I'm sorry I don't say anything about the stuff on your wrist... And I should. I should be there for you but I'm not. Just know every mark breaks my heart Cierra, and please next time you even think about putting anything to your wrist or thigh or anything just fucking call me and do it to me." She gasped.

"No, Connor I w-" He almost instantaneously cut her off.

"Then don't fucking do it to yourself. I love you, okay? Now shut the fuck up and let's walk this nice ass beach." He reached over and grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers. He had never done something like that, initiating romantic contact. But fuck, it was nice. They started walking, their legs moving in perfect sync.

"Connor?" She sighed, kicking some sand.

"Yeah?" He watched the thick, damp sand fall down to the ground making a small squish sound.

"That was disgusting." She stated, referring to his little spiel.

"Shut the fuck up." He smirked, and they walked until they saw the sun start to come up, barely saying a word. And he became excited for the day to come, and little did he know what would happen that next day...

author's note// i wish the book could just fickinh end here everyone happy i made a bad decision tonight yall fuck me square in the ass bitches i lobe u