mended vs. settLed (a FOURTRIS love story)

Chapter 11: Moving Forward

Chapter 11: Moving Forward

^^ Four weeks since Tris Returned ^^

*Tobias POV*

As I am rushing to the cafeteria I think about the letter I sent via messenger this morning. I worked on finalizing it for many hours last night, and then carefully rewrote it early this morning while still at home.

I did call therapist White a few days ago, she did my initial intake session but she pointed out that since she is Tris's main therapist it would be a conflict for her to see me as well.

So I have been working with another therapist, one of the women that was present for the meeting that Tris had with Christina and I. So at least this woman seems to be fully up to speed on the situation. We had a long discussion about how Tris and I are not communicating effectively and how it turns into a battle of words and misconceptions.

I determined that my biggest regret is that I have so many things I want to explain to Tris, to help her understand me as the man I am now. But whenever I am face to face I manage to upset her so much that she shuts down. I also recognize that I am either too pushy, or nervous and anxious that I become tongue tied when talking to Tris now.

The therapist had suggested that I write a therapeutic letter. I could start the letter as a note of what I want to say to myself, as I work out all of the feelings I have been dealing with.

And that is just what I did. My letter turned into a detailed explanation about what I went through when Tris was gone, how I wanted to disappear as well in my desperation to end the pain. I talked about my nightmares. I wrote about the day she died, and how I had specific dreams of what I wanted my life after the war to look like, and that image had Tris at the center of it. And then she was just gone. At the end of the letter, I really put myself out there. I explain what it means to me to love her, and only her. I hope that one day she can forgive me, even if that will not result on us having a future together...her forgiveness would mean the world to me.

After many many drafts, I decided that I would rewrite the letter to give to Tris. I love her, and even if she really will never forgive me, I need her to know the man I am now. I need her to read this letter.

The letter was finally complete, and it was the only thing I have that could explain to her how I really feel. Maybe it will even bring her some peace to know how I really felt and feel about her still. I carefully labeled the envelope to Tris and I process it through my office and use one of the bureau's top messenger services, it is the company we use for all of Johanna's delicate correspondences.

I am so nervous for her to read the letter. I paid for the letter to require her signature upon acceptance. So when she does sign off, I will know she is reading my innermost thoughts.

No pressure.

++o++

I get up to the front of the cafeteria lunch line just as the hamburgers run out. I purse my lips as my stomach rumbles in frustration. I guess that is what happens when you work all morning and afternoon straight without any breaks, and barely make it to the cafeteria before lunch stops being served. I crane my neck to look over what slim pickings are available to me.

Fish sticks.

Disgusting.

I force a smile and point to the fish sticks when I hear a chirpy voice cut right in line next to me, "Hi Judy! I finally made it out of my meeting. Please tell me you saved those burgers for me. I don't do fish sticks!"

I look down and see Jessica, Tris's good friend. She is tiny and I doubt would eat two burgers by herself, I wonder if she is here with Tris.

"Hello, Tobias." She says coolly.